Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

@aimss4777

Personally don't see why you wouldn't change your name, changing mine when I marry next year.

@aimss4777 You’re perfectly free to do as you wish, but this is a silly and goady comment to make on this thread. I’m not changing my name for the exact same reason my fiancé (and yours) won’t be changing their names. Does that clear it up for you?

There’s also thread full of hundreds of people giving reasons why they chose not to or regret doing so. So, if you want further clarification, feel free to read it.

@Thatsthewaytis Fair enough.

I took his name.
I personally felt that taking his name and having the same name as any children we had would make me feel like part of a little unit.
I personally love having his last name and the same name as our 2 DCs.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I think the issue of race/ethnicity/cultural heritage is an important one. It’s really important to me that my DC have both parts of their cultural heritage in their names (his Britishness + my ‘forrinness’). Particularly as they are almost certainly going to be visibly mixed race. So I very much get that as a reason.

I think the rest of your comment is super honest. Thanks for sharing.

Whats odd is that most people are happy to share their name choice with no implied judgement of other peoples choices. For whatever reason others feel the need to judge others choices…. It’s bizarre…. Like why does someone else’s name even matter to you.

I changed mine officially as was keen to have one family name and our surnames don't sit well together. I did keep my maiden name for work though so am referred to by my maiden name a lot too. Feel like I've got the best of both worlds this way.

@SickAndTiredAgain Indeed. And these people never seem to realise that if name changing is ‘the point’, then the men can do it if they are so bothered. It’s very silly reasoning.

What I have got from this thread is that men rarely
think their names are horrible
want to be part of a family unit by changing their names to their wives'
think there is no point to being married if you don't change your name.

@MooncakeandAvocato Roughly same age, now I would probably have to own to 'mid' 30s at 35 and DH is 37.

As I said I was surprised - I honestly expected that group to be the ones that did not even think it was worth mentioning and yet that was the only time I felt I had to 'justify' my choice rather than just state it as what was happening.

During a conversation about names before we were engaged one of my cousins (female) did at advise my DH not to worry and that I would change my mind once he presented me with a ring - but she has always been a prat. DH set her straight before I got the chance too!

No- I just cba. DH took mine though so I’m Mrs A-B (already double barrelled and love it), DH was Mr C but is now Mr B-C. Kids will be B-C. I’ll consider changing when we have kids if it annoys me

[quote mrsplum2015]@jadtrinkett

Sorry what do you mean do unpick this?

My experience! Are you saying my experience is wrong !!!!?????[/quote]
No need for the plethora of exclamation and question marks.

I'm asking you to explain your statement. How does it make life easier if children and parents all have the same name?

@thinkhorsesnotzebra My DP is about to
turn 34 and is refusing to accept mid 30’s! 😁

Your cousin does sound a bit of a twit.

Anyway, how exceedingly curious! Possibly, if things change in a few months, when we’re actually married, I’ll be sure to report back!

Yes my dad's a cunt and my H's name was much easier to spell.

The whole concept of family names is interesting when you think about it.

I took my DH's (very embarrassing) surname but use my maiden name at work. He wasn't bothered about whether I took it but I wanted to share a surname. I wish we were progressive enough for him to take mine, it was way better.

I couldn’t wait to change my surname when I got married. 3rd surname from birth that I had had. Had my married surname longer now than the past two unmarried surnames.

having the same name as any children we had

Did you know it's actually possible to give children their mother's name?

I use both for professional reasons. My DC have my husbands name ONLY because my DB brought shame onto the family name and I was fired from one job because of what he's done. It was the right decision then but it bugs me and I will talk to DH about putting my maiden name as a name just before his surname.

I double-barreled as at the time we were living in a country where women could not keep their own names. Had to take husband's or double. Typically they changed the law the next year...

I've not changed mine, at home or at work. I sometimes refer to myself as 'Mrs Childrenandhusbandssurname' normally when doing something like ordering from a shop when my husband will collect the item, or when telling the school office who I am. But I'm happily Dr Surnamefrombirth 90% of the time. DH finds it most odd that I ever use his name, but I do sometimes like to be part of the same surname gang (our kids have his name, it would be ridiculously rhymey as a double barrelled moniker).

It does appear to cause confusion with the older generation. MIL refuses to use my title alongside my husband's Mr, or to use my own surname. I am simply Mrs Husband'sfullname. My father addresses post as Dr/Mrs Husband'sfullname, which is frankly bizarre.

I changed mine to DH's surname. That was back in 1993, and I just didn't really think to question it.

I do like both names and I do like that as a family we all have one name, so I don't regret it as such. However, I have become more questioning as I have got older. Why is it nearly always women who are expected to part with a name that has been such a large part of her identity for many years? Unless she has a horrible or embarrassing surname or something like that and wants to shed it.

After my Dad died earlier this year I became a little nostalgic and a little bit sad that I hadn't retained my maiden name in some form or another.

I kept my name and it does seem to confuse a lot still, even these days. I have a non-English name so even though I've spent my whole life having to spell it out to people I wanted to keep it as it's my name.
Decided not to double barrel as would have been way too long, so kids have DH surname. This is not unusual as in many parts of the world women keep their family name, (hate the word maiden name!)
Really shouldn't matter at all these days, surely anything goes and it's your choice - there's no legal requirement to change it after marriage either.
Then there's the whole are you a Ms, Miss or Mrs- just call me Melinda de Santiago

I changed my name as I was ashamed of my family name (brother in prison). It wasn’t a big deal to me and I haven’t changed it back after divorce, I can’t be arsed as it’s my professional name. Both names are patriarchal anyway. If I had my time again I would have changed to my mum’s or a granny’s name.

I did because my dad is an arsehole and I had no love for my name. I also liked my h's last name very much and love having the same name as him.

I did not change my name which is making life much easier now we're getting divorced 😂

@aimss4777

Personally don't see why you wouldn't change your name, changing mine when I marry next year.

Brave of you to advertise your ignorance like that.