Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

Kept my maiden name, it's unusual and I'm well known professionally around the world. Many of my friends are academics and have kept maiden name for similar reasons. Double barrelling would have been tricky as both names already a mouthful and tricky to pronounce. Children have DH's name for that reason.

DH wasn't bothered, but then he's very secure. In his culture a woman can keep both husband's name and maiden name anyway. Our calling cards are in his name, and so I tend to get that name at weddings etc, but I'm not bothered. His dad grumbled a bit.

@mrsplum2015

You would consider me terribly old fashioned but I happily took my husbands name and gave it to our dc.

I just don't get the whole double barrelling thing as it's so egotistical to think that child is bothered about having two names. It's an encumbrance in life and they then can't do the same thing for their kids as it just would end up with future generations having 8 then 16 names and so on.

Personally my identity is in my first name so I liked being x Smith when I was a kid the same as the rest of my fam (mum dad and siblings) just the same as I like.being x Jones now (me ex h and our kids) and most of our friends are the smiths or the.Thompsons or whatever.

I will keep my "ex's name" until my kids are no longer dependent on me as it's our family name and that's more important to me than my own identity. My identity is probably more about me as a mum in importance than anything else anyway despite having a v successful career.

I'm considering remarriage with my current partner and will stick with my current name but when my kids grow up I'll probably change to share a name with my new husband.

I don’t think you’re old fashioned, women’s right to choice has been the overarching theme of this conversation. You can go with any naming convention you like.

I go, however, consider you rude and close minded for this nonsensical statement “ it's so egotistical to think that child is bothered about having two names. It's an encumbrance in life and they then can't do the same thing for their kids as it just would end up with future generations having 8 then 16 names and so on”.

Firstly, this may shock you, but cultures other than yours exist. Many of them have different naming conventions. The millions of people with double barrelled names do not consider them ‘an encumbrance’ and it is extremely ignorant to say they do. To call people ‘egotistical’ because they want parity of importance in their children’s names is deeply internalised misogyny.

Secondly, the ever increasing number of last names topic has been addressed in detail. As you’d know if you’d taken the time to actually read the thread.

You are entitled to define your identity in any manner you choose, but do not denigrate the choices of others. It’s stupid and regressive.

I didn’t change it but no judgement on those who do- whatever you want to do, as long as it is your choice.

@mymumwouldntapprove If you RTFT, this has been addressed.

I would also ask, if you wanted to all have the same name, was the option of your DH taking your last name discussed? If not, why not?

@Hardbackwriter You predicted it. The ‘what happens when double barrelled kids have kids?’ gotcha squad are out in full force. Great stuff.

@JadeTrinket

Can I ask the people who say, as they do in large numbers on these threads, that their DH's surname was far nicer than theirs, hence them changing it -- what did your DH's sisters do when they married? Did they keep their lovely birth surnames? Or only marry men with even nicer surnames?

Sometimes it not about nicer in isolation, but with the other names. My DH’s surname was more suitable for us as a family with the same name. It wasn’t necessarily nicer than mine, both fairly standard run of the mill names. But DH’s first name was my surname, and I wouldn’t expect him to change his name to, for example, William Williams. The fact that this is unlikely to be an issue for women because it’s far less common for a women’s first name to be a surname is of course a separate issue on its own.

So when people say nicer/better/easier etc they may not mean specifically as a name in isolation (though I’m sure some do). I would never have changed my name to something that sounded silly with my first name, even if arguably it was a nicer name on its own.

@CherryRedDMs

My sister-in-law and her husband both have two surnames. They picked one each to give to the kids.

We did exactly this. So we all have a different 2 surnames. Works well in our family, no regrets.

Double barrel is sometimes fine but what about when those kids have kids, do they double the double barrel and have four?!

I know quite a few people who have old longstanding triple and even quadruple barrelled names, with some vons vans and de thrown in.
Think 'Constance de Wimpole von Allaheim Tadpole' (I totally made that up, but it's fairly representative)

They usually take the first of the last names and use that for every day, but I pity them when form filling.

I changed mine as I wanted the same name as my children especially as I travel internationally with them without my husband. I do however regret changing my name and if I had my time again I wouldn’t change it. I’ve often thought of changing it back but I don’t want the effort or cost of doing it and my family/friends would all think something was wrong with our marriage and I don’t want to have to answer questions.

I kept my name when I married. I really like it, and I wanted to make a feminist statement.

@Sahgah Can I ask why you decided to give DC his name instead of yours?

[quote MooncakeandAvocato]@mymumwouldntapprove If you RTFT, this has been addressed.

I would also ask, if you wanted to all have the same name, was the option of your DH taking your last name discussed? If not, why not?[/quote]
Yes we discussed, but as he already had children from a previous relationship if he had taken my name there still would been children with a different name which defeated the object.

I am so sorry for not reading the full thread

Nope, and kids have my surname as it's a cooler one!

@mymumwouldntapprove If you’re going to wade into a thread with over 100 comments, drop the asinine ‘what happens when double barrelled kids marry?’ question and then refer to my stated choice of naming convention regarding my children as ‘silly’, then I will tell you to read the full thread.

I kept my name when I got married. I love my name, it’s who I am. I also find the notion of getting married and taking on your husband’s name to be an old fashioned and sexist notion that didn’t sit comfortably with me.
My children have their dad’s last name and at school I get called ‘Mrs Children’s last name’ but that’s to be expected and I have no issue with it. Everywhere else I am ‘Ms Tanqueray10!’ same as i’ve always been.

@tanqueray10 I’m asking this loads, as I think it’s interesting. Was there a reason you gave DC your husband’s name instead of your own?

I had this conversation with my husband the other day.

I kept my name for work when we got married (more than 30 years ago) but changed it when I moved to a new company as I didn’t want anyone ringing from school/childcare looking for ‘Ms DHsname as Baby DHsname is unwell’ and being told there was no such person. Obviously this was before mobile phones! So, I’ve been Mrs DHsname for a long time.

Now I would want to keep my own name and, importantly, I would want my children to have the same name as me too. In our hindsight discussion, DH was fine with the idea of me keeping my name but struggled with the idea of the children not taking his.

For me, 30 years on, it seems ludicrous that women carry the babies, take the career hit, the health and financial impacts but society expects that the children should be given their father’s name.

I have daughters so will be interesting to see what they do.

Don't call me stupid because I'm not.

I absolutely know and love people of many other cultures but you are talking probably white British and certainly double barrelling is not a cultural choice here.

And no the double barrelling infinitely hasn't been addressed other than a superior kind of comment about children being smart enough to work it out themselves.

Totally not misogynistic I'm afraid. Simply an experienced parent and know they kids and parents find life a lot easier when they all have the same name :)

Simply an experienced parent and know they kids and parents find life a lot easier when they all have the same name

Do unpick this truly remarkable statement.

I didn't change my name. The only reason was because I couldn't be bothered with the faff. I was going to do it eventually but after 10 years I've still not done it. DC have father's surname.

@MooncakeandAvocato We talked about double barrelling the children but my name is already double barrelled from my parents so it was tricky and the names didn’t really blend together. I don’t feel strongly about having to have the same surname as my children, as far as i’m concerned it doesn’t make us any more or less of a family. My husband felt more strongly that he wanted the same name and also his family are quite traditional so we gave them his name. x

I kept my maiden name. No regrets. I always said I would. For me my name feels like an integral part of my identity and it felt weird to change it. I remember the moment I decided I would keep my maiden name if I ever married….it was in 6th form when one of my teachers told me that due to being married and divorced twice she had several name changes. I just suddenly though no I want to keep MY whole name throughout my life.

I had some odd comments. Oddest of all were the ones asking if my husband was ok with it…. We’ll we couldn’t have got married if he wasn’t. As it was my husband did question it, but it wasn’t a bit deal.

My children have double barrelled names. It’s never been an issue. What they do with their names when they get older and marry will be up to them.

I’ve heard a few stories of people inventing their own surname when they get married. I like the sound of that.

@jadtrinkett

Sorry what do you mean do unpick this?

My experience! Are you saying my experience is wrong !!!!?????

How is my question asinine?
Nobody has addressed this other than one poster who assumes their Dc will choose to drop one of their surnames. If you can't decide what name to give your children, then you're just passing the buck by double-barrelling.
Call it old fashioned if you like but I like that All members of our family have the same last name, including both parents and the half-siblings.

[quote MooncakeandAvocato]@Bowlofhotslop I think it’s really up to the kids in question to decide what they want to do as and when the time comes, as we’re doing now.

However, in cultures that traditionally double barrelled last names, the custom is for people to keep their birth names upon marriage and give their kids a double barrelled name that comprises one name from each parent. So, for example Maria Sanchez Ortega marries Eduardo Fernández Garrido and all of their kids are XX Ortega Garrido. Historically, the father’s last name came first, but that’s no longer the case, so you can do them in whatever order you like.[/quote]
@mrsplum2015

-If you go about calling people egotistical for making choices you haven’t made, I will call you the things you say stupid. If you don’t like it, stop saying stupid things.

• At no point has anyone said anything about the thread being white or British. I, the OP, am neither of those things. If that’s your default assumption for any conversation, that’s really a you problem.

• As has been illustrated by multiple comments, double barrelling is, in fact, a cultural choice for quite a few ‘white British’ people. They are fine with it, it doesn’t make them ‘egotistical’ and their children are not ‘encumbered’.

• Double barrelling was addressed, in detail, here. As you’d have seen if you bothered to RTFT.

• If you think it is egotistical for both parents to be equally represented in a child’s name, then you are misogynistic. Your experience as a parent does not impact on that.