Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

For instance most divorces (70%) are initiated by women - but amongst college educated women that jumps to 90% (shocking really)

Offtopic but I don't think this shows women 'want' to divorce their husbands. The person who 'initiates' the divorce is the one who files the paperwork. In all divorces bar one I know of (I used to be a family lawyer, so I know plenty), yes it has been the woman. Not because they actually wanted to leave the marriage, but because the husband had left. In several cases also already moved in with the OW or started a new family. But they were just so used to wife doing all life admin, that they couldn't even be arsed to do the paperwork for the divorce either. So the women finally had to.

Never changed my name to my married name as too much paperwork to do it and I am glad I did not do it since I am now divorced. Kids have their father surname and they has never had any issue with me having a different surname. I know someone who did changed for her married name and when they divorced it was a nightmare for her to revert back to her maiden name. It is stressful enough having to go through a divorce without having to add more stress due to name changed. My advice don't bother changing to your married name!

@HeavyHeidi

I don’t doubt there is a fair amount of truth in what you say, though anecdotes aside obviously a lot of women also are the ones who want to leave. But the main point was a 20% increase in female initiation of divorce in the more highly educated group (of women) is difficult to read as anything other than those women being more likely to want to divorce - unless the husbands are just that more confident in their wives divorce paperwork filing skills because of their education level.

But amongst that group (and across society) it would be interesting to know if women who don’t want their husbands names for themselves are more likely to divorce because it reflects a lower value placed on marriage and a lower value placed on parents raising children together on their part.
Obviously I can’t prove this, but I think it does. Just my opinion no offense to anyone.

[quote SaltyPepper]@JadeTrinket

It just does for many, did for me. Not changing it would have been like having one foot out the door in my mind. It feels like a family name when you both have it and dc’s do too.

It’s just a hunch but I wouldn’t be totally surprised if those who keep their maiden or double barrel are more likely to divorce. Perhaps someone should survey that. I feel like it says something about your life priorities and that your own independence counts for more than your marriage and married family life.
Which is fine if you look at marriage like any other romantic relationship which you end when it gets a bit tough, whether you have children or not, but a name change just seems to say “this person is the love of my life and I’m in it for the long haul” as opposed to a DH being just another boyfriend but one registered with the state.

Also to be perfectly honest (even though I know it will get ripped on - whatever I don’t care) I would have felt like I was emasculating DH by keeping my name or double barreling (which I also find silly sounding and impractical for the next gen) and I wouldn’t have found that attractive in a DH. I would hate being introduced by seperate names for that reason.
I think many women (even if they won’t admit it or don’t post here) share those feelings.[/quote]
Whoah, you might really want to examine some of your ideas about gender and what constitutes 'emasculating'.

And your basic logic, in fact, as you seem to be suggesting that if changing your name on marriage is proof of your commitment to 'the love of your life', then men seldom, if ever, approach marriage in the right spirit.

Didn't change my name, kept my maiden name for a whole host of reasons. Didn't double barrel our children's names, we had two of them before we even got married, and I just didn't like the sound of our names double barrelled. I don't particularly feel the need to have the same name as my children though I know a lot (most?) Women feel differently. I don't share a surname with my mum or any of my siblings (complicated boring reasons why) though so shared names is less of a big deal for me in terms of determining family.

But amongst that group (and across society) it would be interesting to know if women who don’t want their husbands names for themselves are more likely to divorce because it reflects a lower value placed on marriage and a lower value placed on parents raising children together on their part.

Or here's a wild idea given that women who don't change their names are more likely to be highly-educated and professional, hence with the capacity to be high-earning, that they may not be stuck in that situation which is all too common from even a quick skim of the Mn Relationships board, the deskilled SAHM with few or no financial resources who stays in a marriage she longs to leave because she has no money or earning capacity and worries about keeping a roof over her children's heads?

Wow @SaltyPepper I’m actually astonished by all the internalised misogyny in that diatribe. So many things to unpick. Marriage is about legally joining assets and having other rights like next of kin, and yes, the element of symbolising the relationship is lifelong (although that can’t be guaranteed). But it’s history is in subjugating and owning women and passing them around like property.

In the modern day, there is absolutely no need to continue the tradition of a woman rescinding her name and identity for a man. If he’s so hung up on a family name, why not take hers or both choose a new one? Why is only his bloodline deemed worthy of continuing?

Marriage also shouldn’t compromise your independence or make you less of an individual. You might be legally joined and have made a commitment to one another but I’d really hope that most women nowadays still feel able to look after their own needs as well as their family’s, pursue their own interests, careers, achievements etc, and retain an identity as an individual. I’m not sure why you think a woman has to give up the very essence of who she is if she gets married? You don’t morph into one person!

Again, do you think a man should do this? Or do you think he gets to impose his name/identity/values etc on the wife and family, rather than compromising and meeting in the middle?

I genuinely cannot fathom why anyone thinks it’s acceptable that this is expected of women but not men. Cry “it’s tradition” all you like, but it also used to be tradition for people to watch public executions. Not all traditions are good or worthy of preservation.

“Also to be perfectly honest (even though I know it will get ripped on - whatever I don’t care) I would have felt like I was emasculating DH by keeping my name or double barreling “

This made me chuckle. I wouldn’t ever be with anyone whose sense of self was so fragile they needed me to valid date them by having their name. Wanting a family name is perfectly understandable but making a choice on the basis of your partners weak sense of masculinity is pretty sad.

@JadeTrinket

Well we just won’t know without the survey will we? But that’s just what I’m thinking. That it’s a reflection of general attitudes.
That’s fine though if they can find men who are happy to follow their lead on the whole name issue and prefer a different kind of family role.
Different strokes.

But amongst that group (and across society) it would be interesting to know if women who don’t want their husbands names for themselves are more likely to divorce because it reflects a lower value placed on marriage and a lower value placed on parents raising children together on their part.
Obviously I can’t prove this, but I think it does.

A bit of a jump there but yes interesting theory. If I take the anecdotal evidence of one, I didn't change my name. I am educated with a decent career, and name recognition is quite important in my line of work.
This means also that I would be able to support myself and DC and I don't need to stay in a bad marriage because I can't afford to leave. So in a way you are right that I probably don't value marriage as such as highly as someone who must stay married because they cannot manage alone.

Why would a man’s surname or that of his wife alter his “family role?” I don’t want to get married, but I’ve discussed this with every man I’ve dated and not a single one of them had a problem with the idea of a woman taking their name or considering taking their wife’s. You must know some deeply misogynist men with fragile egos!

@Whatinthelord

Just my opinion, I’d appreciate not being insulted over it - after all I could just as easily say I thought other peoples husbands had a weak sense of their masculinity for doing something other than having a family name but I didn’t.
No need to take anything personally.

Yes took his name as I preferred his surname and still kept it after divorce

@TedMullins

“Tedmullins” I’d appreciate not being put down by a man over my willing choice to change my name. You telling me I can’t change my name is no different than telling another woman she has to. Women can make their own choices without your input thank you very much.

I’m not saying you can’t change your name, do what you like. I’m asking why you think the same expectations shouldn’t apply equally to men, and why you think a man who has a different surname to his wife or (god forbid) takes his wife’s name would have a “different family role”

[quote SaltyPepper]@Whatinthelord

Just my opinion, I’d appreciate not being insulted over it - after all I could just as easily say I thought other peoples husbands had a weak sense of their masculinity for doing something other than having a family name but I didn’t.
No need to take anything personally.[/quote]
The time to post this would've been before you told us you think keeping one's own name is suggestive of merely another boyfriend but one who happens to be registered by the state.

Also I’m a woman, I thought my post explaining how I’d discussed it with men I’d dated pretty explicitly inferred I’m a woman given the topic at hand…

@TedMullins

Whatever you say “Ted”
All I can say is that name changing continues to be the norm so obviously the people you date are outliers on this. And it’s not surprising that you gravitate or travel in the same circles as them given your own less marriage/family orientated views. That happens often.

I’m sick of arguing, this was supposedly about honestly sharing. You do you and I’ll do me and that’s all I’be got to say.

*I’ve got

Lol you do realise this is an anonymous forum where people can choose whatever username they want, and it doesn’t usually reflect any attributes of the poster… ted Mullins is a character from schitt’s creek 😂

I did not change mine. Which was less common thirty years ago.

Some landlords would not rent to couples “living in sin” so part of our tenancy applications included our marriage license!

The same with my employer when relocating me, they wouldn’t pay to relocate a boyfriend and bastard children, so had to send my marriage license into HR to get full family relocation package.

Going on holiday alone with my children, who have my DHs surname....had to travel with birth certificate, marriage license, and notarised letter of permission from him to prove I wasn’t a kidnapper trafficking children internationally.

It’s a lot better now. Just the odd bun fight with the school insisting on calling me mademoiselle and calling DH first about the DC because apparently they’ve assumed I’m a live in step-girlfriend and the DC are his from some other relationship. Sigh.

[quote SaltyPepper]@JadeTrinket

Well we just won’t know without the survey will we? But that’s just what I’m thinking. That it’s a reflection of general attitudes.
That’s fine though if they can find men who are happy to follow their lead on the whole name issue and prefer a different kind of family role.
Different strokes.[/quote]
Again, you seem to have some bizarre and entrenched ideas about changing names on marriage, and its relationship to family roles, emasculation and 'following leads'. My DH didn't 'follow my lead' about names -- I'm sure it never even occurred to him that I would change it. Quite apart from anything else, why would I distance myself from the professional reputation garnered under my birth name? I imagine if I'd announced I was going to use his surname, he'd have thought I'd been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with an impostor.

Similarly, the only conversation we ever had about what surname DS would have was which order our surnames sounded better in.

And I'm not even sure what you mean about 'preferring a different kind of family role' -- who do you mean? Women who don't change their names? Men who marry women who don't change their names? What relationship do you imagine it has to 'family roles', whatever that means?

@nannybeach

How did it cause problems at the airport, because she was making problems, saying she was Mrs but maiden name which didn't say Mrs. Only people I know personally who haven't name changed on marriage are doctors, because they said it confuses older patients

Airport staff don't give two shits about your title or marital status only that you mr identification matches your ticket and is genuine and contains a photo of you Either you or she are inventing problems that didn't happen

[quote SaltyPepper]@Whatinthelord

Just my opinion, I’d appreciate not being insulted over it - after all I could just as easily say I thought other peoples husbands had a weak sense of their masculinity for doing something other than having a family name but I didn’t.
No need to take anything personally.[/quote]
Where was the insult? Sad? If so I meant sad as in the emotion rather than sad in terms of being an insult.

My comment didn’t really have anything to do with anyone choice to keep their maiden name or not. More about your comment about the concern that someone choice would make a partner feel emasculated

Pretty odd to take issue with me mentioning a weak sense of masculinity when you were the first to comment on how a choice might make a man feel emasculated isn’t it? .

It’s just a hunch but I wouldn’t be totally surprised if those who keep their maiden or double barrel are more likely to divorce.

Given that half of all marriages end in divorce and
Most women change their names it would be impossible to extrapolate any meaningful data on this