Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

There was a thread with this same question last year, got quite rude and nasty,hoped this one would be more civilized. Haven't trawled the whole 13 pages. I was going to revert to my maiden name when I divorced,,(he tried to kill me) but it wasn't a good time.My DKs,2 of the 3 have changed their names because they didn't want any association with him
Have always wondered,folk who haven't changed their names,do you put Ms Mrs, or anything in front of it. My SIL put Mrs in front of maiden name, insisting "but I'm married" caused no end of problems at airports and the like. My youngest DS has been debating whether to change his or not. Probably would have been sensible to have had discussions with them and all changed to 2nd DHs name.

My SIL put Mrs in front of maiden name, insisting "but I'm married" caused no end of problems at airports and the like.

How could it cause problems in an airport? Your title isn't part of your legal name, you can pick anyone you like.

[quote SaltyPepper]@ExceptionalAssurance

You realise the vast majority of women changed their names upon marriage and still do. Are you saying they’re all ignorant?[/quote]
Of course not, which is why I didn't write anything remotely resembling that. Utterly batshit interpretation on your part there.

Don't want to get married but would never change my name. It's my name!

I was happy for my children to have DPs name though.

But in real life I don't come across others who feel the same as me, everyone I know and live around changed their names and thought nothing of it. It's still very much normal.

@nannybeach I use Ms. I see it as the equivalent as Mr.

If Mr was used the same as Mrs then I would not feel strongly about it after all I have no issue with people knowing I am married but I have never understood why a women's marital status must be advertised when men are just Mr for most of their lives.

I have a german friend and she is unmarried but is Frau as in Germany that title now just indicates an adult woman rather than a married one. I believe Madame is now used the same way in France.

I changed my name. Married a long time, since it was still relatively unusual for a woman to keep her own name. The issue for me was about being a family team, raising children, all sharing one name. Plus my maiden name was unusual and confused everyone, my married name is easier. Not Easier, obviously. That would be weird. 🤪

Changed mine, never gave much thought to the whys and wherefores, just knew in my heart that I wanted to take my husband's name. Our daughter has my maiden name as her middle name.

Changed mine. Thinking about it, I don’t know anyone who didn’t.

I changed mine wasnt that fussed with my maiden name and actually prefer my dh's name. I also wanted a family name so that when we had our children we all had the same surname.

I dont know any female who has kept their maiden name.

Not a fan of double barreling names first or surnames. I personally think most are ridiculous sounding .

I find it incredible that so many people here don't even know one woman who kept her name.

It's extremely common among my friends, family, coworkers, etc.

@DirectionToPerfection

I find it incredible that so many people here don't even know one woman who kept her name.

It's extremely common among my friends, family, coworkers, etc.

Like a lot of things, it's partly generational, partly social class and education level.

I didn’t change it the first time I married. I knew on some level I wasn’t committed.

Second marriage I changed it.

My mum refused to change her name and told my dad to if her wanted to be the same as us kids. I hated being different to my half brothers growing up.

Plenty of friends and acquaintances who’ve either kept theirs or double barrelled and I think whatever you like is fine!

Interesting on the generational.
I'm 49, changed on my 1st marriage in mid-20s mid-1990s@ didn't on my 2nd mid-40s mid-2010s.
I work in a professional services office with lots of younger staff.
Of those who have married recently all late 20s / early 30s.
1 male: both he & new wife changed their names, double barrelling.
2 female: both changed their name to their new spouses.

I didn’t change it the first time I married. I knew on some level I wasn’t committed.

Why would renaming yourself with your husband's surname have any bearing on how committed you were to your marriage?

@JadeTrinket

I didn’t change it the first time I married. I knew on some level I wasn’t committed.

Why would renaming yourself with your husband's surname have any bearing on how committed you were to your marriage?

Quite.

If men don't change their name on marriage, are they not fully committed to their wives?

@JadeTrinket

It just does for many, did for me. Not changing it would have been like having one foot out the door in my mind. It feels like a family name when you both have it and dc’s do too.

It’s just a hunch but I wouldn’t be totally surprised if those who keep their maiden or double barrel are more likely to divorce. Perhaps someone should survey that. I feel like it says something about your life priorities and that your own independence counts for more than your marriage and married family life.
Which is fine if you look at marriage like any other romantic relationship which you end when it gets a bit tough, whether you have children or not, but a name change just seems to say “this person is the love of my life and I’m in it for the long haul” as opposed to a DH being just another boyfriend but one registered with the state.

Also to be perfectly honest (even though I know it will get ripped on - whatever I don’t care) I would have felt like I was emasculating DH by keeping my name or double barreling (which I also find silly sounding and impractical for the next gen) and I wouldn’t have found that attractive in a DH. I would hate being introduced by seperate names for that reason.
I think many women (even if they won’t admit it or don’t post here) share those feelings.

Which is fine if you look at marriage like any other romantic relationship which you end when it gets a bit tough, whether you have children or not, but a name change just seems to say “this person is the love of my life and I’m in it for the long haul” as opposed to a DH being just another boyfriend but one registered with the state.

So men are never with the love of their life and in if for the long haul, then?

I can tell you without looking it up that statistically women who don't change their name will be less likely to divorce because I already know that they're more likely to be highly educated and older (that's a fact, not a dig at women who change their name before anyone gets cross! I've got a journal reference! www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00277738.2016.1197645?journalCode=ynam20) and higher education correlates with lower divorce rates.

Because many of those cultural backgrounds where it's not traditional to name change on marriage are also groups with lower rates of divorce than average, eg Somalis, Pakistanis etc, that probably makes it more likely that name changers will divorce. Not aware of research, but there would need to be something going on elsewhere to balance this out for name changers to have lower divorce rates. Not that I think attributing much significance either way is a very bright idea.

@Hardbackwriter

Obviously men would have the same name as their Wives so I don’t follow?

Your wrong with your theory about them being less likely to divorce because of having a different name though - what you don’t take into account is lower educated women are more likely to be left by their husbands comparative to higher educated women.

Higher education rates may correlate with lower divorce because the higher educated usually are more likely to have money and financial struggles are a leading cause of divorce. However that says nothing about whether the husband or wife are higher educated and high earning. For instance most divorces (70%) are initiated by women - but amongst college educated women that jumps to 90% (shocking really). So it would seem that the women who choose not to change their names are more likely to want to divorce their husbands - even if overall the divorce rates of the better educated are lower because they don’t have the added strain of financial pressure on their marriage. Like I said, one foot out the door. What would be interesting though is an exact breakdown of the divorce rate of those with different names opposed to those without. And that’s the only thing that could actually prove what seems to be clearly true.

How did it cause problems at the airport, because she was making problems, saying she was Mrs but maiden name which didn't say Mrs. Only people I know personally who haven't name changed on marriage are doctors, because they said it confuses older patients

The word 'clearly' is taking a lot of abuse there.

@nannybeach

How did it cause problems at the airport, because she was making problems, saying she was Mrs but maiden name which didn't say Mrs. Only people I know personally who haven't name changed on marriage are doctors, because they said it confuses older patients

That all sounds rather odd, not least because you are a Mrs if you say you are. It's not a legal title. Doesn't mean anything, which no doubt is why you're not asked it when you fly. I wonder if perhaps this happened some years ago?