Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

Haha funnily enough this never happens to me in person as I find people aren't as derogatory when they have to look you in they eye, and if they are you can walk away!

I assume the same goes for the op as highly educated people don't generally tell people face to face to open their little mind !

@mrsplum2015 I have. And, as I’ve shared neither where I went to university or what degrees I’ve got with you, it’s interesting that you’re still harping on about this.

And I’m superior for stating that it’s unlikely you’re better educated than me…in response to you stating the exact thing first? This makes sense to you? And, similarly, why on Earth would you make the initial statement if you had no idea? Finally, you’re aware that there are universities (in London and the rest of the world) that outrank Oxbridge in a multitude of league tables, right? If not, I’m glad to be the person to inform you.

Your very first comment, which started this whole exchange, called people egotistical and insulted their choices. Yet, you are outraged by my ‘derogatory’ comments towards you. So, you’re comfortable dishing them out, but not receiving?

You’ve been asked to go away multiple times, but keep coming back to tell me that you have no interest in engaging with me. There’s a level of cognitive dissonance here. Please, stop engaging.

@mrsplum2015

I was the one who accused you of being superior and nothing you have said since has gone anyway to making me think I was wrong.

It was also me that started talking about Uni and levels of education when explaining the different social circles I was talking about.

OP merely responded to me to point out she had had a different experience with the same demographic I was dealing with.

Perhaps you should use that phenomenal education you claim to have to make sure you send your comments the right way.

I changed my name when I got married in my 20s. When I remarried at the age of 50 I had planned to change my name but in the end I just couldn't be arsed! Do you realise how many things you have in your name when you're 50? Plus I'd actually had my married name for nearly 30 years - as far as I was concerned it was my name now. And it was the same name as my 3 children.

One of my 'friends' does insist on regularly getting her knickers in a twist over my insistence on keeping my name - 'oooh, doesn't your OH mind you having your ex-husband's name?' IT'S NOT MY EX-HUSBAND'S NAME, IT'S MINE! I'VE HAD IT NOW FOR NEARLY 40 YEARS!

FWIW, re a PP, my husband doesn't wear a wedding ring either. He didn't want one. I don't have a problem with that - doesn't make us any less married (10 years and counting :) )

@LilyMumsnet So, just to clarify, a line under the post or the conversation with @mrsplum2015?

If the former, I really don’t think I should have to stop engaging with a really interesting conversation because one poster is being unpleasant. If the latter, I’m happy to. Despite the fact that she appears intent on goading me, I will no longer be responding.

Why are you still engaging @MooncakeandAvocato ?

I'm fully aware of league tables and ranking of international universities.

I made a general statement about people in my opinion, not personally derogatory statements to you.

And you don't have the right to tell me to go away on a public Internet forum therefore I won't !!

Personally I didn't want to lose my name as I'm the last. My DH understood and said he didn't want to change his name. Officially I double barreled to have the same name as children but I don't really use it and have kept my name for work.
Don't make the mistake of booking a flight in one name with your passport in a different name....a right old ballache to change it!

@Gilda152

My mum had a term for this. It was "last word Annie" 😆 when two of them meet... Its murderrrr

That’s fair. I’m leaving it, now. 😂

@thinkhorsesnotzebra I am not disputing the fact my views may have come across as superior and if you can be bothered to rtft the op made mention of her multitude of qualifications very early on before you brought up the topic, which riled me.

@LilyMumsnet this thread seems to be problematic, maybe it just needs removing seeing as they're still squabbling?

@mrsplum2015 I have read the full thread thanks!

The OP used qualifications as an indication of a certain demographic - which is a fairly typical method - to see if there was a difference.

I am glad you know you are being superior I always like to find at least one thing to agree on

@thinkhorsesnotzebra agreed.

Right near the start of the thread the qualifications were dropped in and mentioned that it was irrelevant. The fact they were then mentioned again in a "too many to count" way just wound me up.

Not because I have a chip on my shoulder but I have spent my life developing success without once mentioning how many degrees I have and find it irritating when people think it's worth mentioning!

The very day we got engaged DH said he wouldn't expect me to change my name which is quite surprising as he's fairly traditional. If he'd expected me to I might have dug my heels in out of stubbornness but as he'd shown it wasn't a big deal for him I settled on the American way with his name tacked on to mine (no hyphens). The DC have just his name.

Yes and no - I’m maiden name at work and married name at home. I work away so work / home don’t overlap at all and there’s no confusion. I like having the same name as the rest of my family but I can understand why others wouldn’t want to change. I think it’s just a personal preference.

@ExceptionalAssurance

You realise the vast majority of women changed their names upon marriage and still do. Are you saying they’re all ignorant?

@mrsplum2015

Totally agree that this thread has a very superior air to it. The majority of women changed and continue to change their name upon marriage out of choice - and it’s fine not to as well. Yet OP is asking people who don’t know anyone who didn’t change their name to list their education status and location as though they are somehow strange and ignorant and she can prove it.

Either the thread was made to put those women (who are the majority) who took their husbands name down and “prove” then wrong or it devolved into that because women taking their husbands name was triggering.

*prove them wrong

It's funny as my siblings regret changing their names now. My children have my ex partner's surname (he was insistent but we weren't married) but my second name is their middle name so they will never lose it if they ever got married

Changed mine for a couple of reasons.

Firstly I was choosing DHs, I didn't choose DFs.

Secondly DFs is so incredibly unusual, especially where we're from, that everyone immediately knew who I was related to, and as oldest uncle and DGF are both complete arses it makes life difficult for the rest of us.

And thirdly I want any DC to have same surname as both parents.

As a bonus though my married name is same as DMs maiden name.

Another one saying kids hate to be double barrelled and lots choose to be generally known by one surname when teens (I teach).

I did not take husband's name and my children have my surname. None of us (including husband) agree with patriarchal bullshit. My surname is the nicer of the two. My girls, now young adults, have never had any problem with that. Nobody has. More women should consider it in my opinion!

[quote KurtWilde]@LilyMumsnet this thread seems to be problematic, maybe it just needs removing seeing as they're still squabbling? [/quote]
The THREAD Is not problematic at all, it's very interesting. Squabbling isn't against talk guidelines so they should not remove the thread on that basis. What are you doing, running to teacher? Obnoxious behaviour.

I find it a bit weird that the people complaining that the thread is so terribly rude to them are the people who changed their names - on this thread I've been told both directly and indirectly that I'm egotistical, that I care more about myself than my children, that my children will hate the choice I've made for them, that their names must be horrible and pretentious-sounding... That's MN for you, though, isn't it? I don't know what people want, the thread to be full of people congratulating them on how brave and wise they were to do the most conventional, uncontroversial and commonplace thing?

Another one saying kids hate to be double barrelled and lots choose to be generally known by one surname when teens

And why is that a problem then? They have both names in the passport so fewer questions when crossing borders with either parent, but can choose just one for day to day life. That's what mine did as well already in primary school.

Anyway, where were we? No. I did not change my name. Why would I?