Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

We did choose my partners surname over mine for the children, it was my choice actually, (we aren't married).

My reasons were, my name is long, very often misspelled and very unusual, it just adds another conversation when anything involves your surname. My partners' name is short and easy to spell, rarely misspelled and I just like it more. Double barrelling it would just exacerbate the problem! My Dad was a bit sad about it though 😕.

@MareofBeasttown oh! That's good to know. I didn't realise our names are also in the kid's passports! I wonder why that guy said that.

I changed mine.

DH was already double barrelled. I liked the idea of us having the same name.

So he swapped one of his for mine and both changed our names.

So say he was Mr Smith-Jones, and I was Miss Roberts, now we're Mr and Mrs Roberts-Jones.

I even let him chose which he was keeping, so we might have been Roberts-Smith instead (or Smith-Roberts, I can't remember what order we were thinking of)

If I could go back I'd go with Ms instead of Mrs though.

[quote headspin10]**@MareofBeasttown oh! That's good to know. I didn't realise our names are also in the kid's passports! I wonder why that guy said that. [/quote]
That;s so odd, my name is not in my DCs passports (They have UK passports). they were both renewed in 2018. It would make SO much sense if they were. Are they UK passports @Mare?

@MooncakeandAvocato

I am not on here to craft a perfectly well formed argument. You asked for personal experiences and opinions and I gave you mine.

You do come across as superior given I can see several more times you've referred to the number of degrees you have and which universities you, your husband and friends have gone to. There is a thinly veiled supposition that you know better because you're better educated.

I can assure you I'm not misogynistic because I took my ex husbands name. It was purely a matter of developing a family unit together and convenience of all having the same name. I guess you missed where I said he would have happily taken mine should I have wanted him to.

His surname is actually his mother's maiden name as she wanted to continue her family line (that was misogynistic in my mind as she related it to her dads name being continued rather than her own). She was married to my ex husbands dad and took her husbands name.

Anyway plenty of people may disagree with me about double barrelled names being a pain in the neck but it's clear many agree with me on that point, not only in my personal life but on this thread too.

My children are also dual nationality and have significant input from both sides of their families and both of their cultures. Their name is irrelevant in that sense. Both exh and I have a significant and deep respect for each other's gender and culture which our children have inherited and reflect in their daily lives.

People can have great values and education without feeling the need to make the same choices as you and it seems quite dogged the way you ask every woman on here who changed their name why she didn't get their husband to change his. Many people honestly don't think too much about it and those that do often make a choice to go with the convenience and what is nicer for them, whether that be keep name or change.

I changed my name as I was already pregnant when we got married and I wanted us all to have the same name. I'm not ashamed to admit (although these threads make you feel like you should be) that it was considered a given by my husband and he wouldn't have been happy if I hadn't taken his name. Immediately people can pile on about what a misogynistic arsehole he must be, but I know he's not, so that's all that matters.

In my group of friends (four married so far) nobody has changed their name. I won't be either, and neither did my MIL to be when she married.

I changed my name (but kept my family name as a middle name). I use Ms.
I like having the same name as my children, and I prefer the flow/sound of my married name, but I do regret it a bit and if I had my time again I think I'd keep my original name. I just feel a bit uncomfortable nowadays with the implications of a name change from a feminist perspective and I don't love the idea of my daughters doing it (though I'd completely support and respect their choice). But it's not something I think about much.

No @WinterFirTree I do not have a UK passport. I somehow imagined that this was the case in all passports. My sister is a US citizen, has not changed her name and her passports are the same, I think. Sorry to mislead.

No, don't apologise! I was just surprised and went to check in case I had missed it! It makes alot of sense in many ways for a child's passport to have parent names. It would make it easier I think. I've never had any major issues travelling even alone with mine. I have been asked and just shown the other documents.

Yes of course, was very happy to take my husbands name

@frilrubert you can identify as ms whenever you like, my mum usually calls herself ms although is married to my dad with the same surname.

When ex h and I separated I just started referring to myself as ms rather than mrs. The title is not a legally bound part of your name.

Just becauseyou’re asking for a bit of background- We’re 34 and live in zone 2 London, both post grad educated. Married for 4 years together for 14. I’m racking my brain trying to think of anyone else who didn’t take their husband’s name… one double barrelled, she left school after her GCSEs and is now 36, but married at 26, from London but moved to Surrey. I thought 2 others had kept their own names but I’ve just checked them on Instagram and their names have changed so, it’s just the one who double barrelled, which im quite surprised at actually! (I’m also surprised how quickly they change their Instagram handles and work email addresses too! Very efficient!)

@Helpel

I changed my name as I was already pregnant when we got married and I wanted us all to have the same name. I'm not ashamed to admit (although these threads make you feel like you should be) that it was considered a given by my husband and he wouldn't have been happy if I hadn't taken his name. Immediately people can pile on about what a misogynistic arsehole he must be, but I know he's not, so that's all that matters.

Misogyny doesn’t have to mean being actively hostile to women. The fact he thought it was a given and wouldn’t have been happy if you didn’t is in itself misogynist even if he doesn’t behave like an arsehole to you.

I don't know that men having a default assumption that women will take their names on marriage is misogynistic, ie coming from hatred of women. But it's undeniably and always sexist.

Yeah fair enough @TedMullins, that one act was misogynistic and represents some misogynistic opinions, but overall im confident that isn't representative of his wider being and views about women. So we're all good

@MooncakeandAvocato also you've said the experiences of my in-laws aren't relevant yet you've repeatedly referred to your sister, friends, uni peers, etc in canvassing support for your opinion.

Also perhaps you could check back your posts as I've seen two other references to your degrees, one very early on which has no relevance to demographic.

Additionally I am going by the fact that most people on this post chose one name or another for their children to indicate they didn't consider double barrelling a convenient option. You seem to take it as an indication they haven't even considered it or thought it a possible option due to the overriding misogyny in society. I guess neither of us can be sure which is the case.

@Frlrlrubert

DH was already double barrelled. I liked the idea of us having the same name.

So he swapped one of his for mine and both changed our names.

So say he was Mr Smith-Jones, and I was Miss Roberts, now we're Mr and Mrs Roberts-Jones.

I even let him chose which he was keeping, so we might have been Roberts-Smith instead (or Smith-Roberts, I can't remember what order we were thinking of)

If I could go back I'd go with Ms instead of Mrs though.

Your title isn't part of your name. You can start using Ms today if you want to.

I’m not ‘showing my true colours’. I’m responding to you in the exact same tone you’ve used with me. I can go back and report all your objectionable posts and get them deleted, as well. Perhaps I shall.

I haven’t referred to my sister (I don’t have one), my in laws or my uni peers. Nor have I canvassed for support of my opinion. You saying things doesn’t make them true.

There is very little chance you’re better educated than me and my single comment mentioning my education, to another poster, in context, wouldn’t rile you up so much if you were. It has exactly nothing to do with my conversation with you, yet you’re clearly very exercised about it.

You’ve friends from a range of backgrounds, but earlier decided I was white British based on zero context. You are also apparently unable to address any points raised. How interesting.

And, no, the fact that people haven’t double barrelled means that they preferred not to. This is a valid choice and not one I’ve any issues with. The issue is that you have referred to double barrelling as ‘egotistical’ and ‘burdensome’ to children. Contrary to what you state, there aren’t ‘lots’ of people who agree with that on this thread.

I haven’t called anyone misogynistic except you. Just you.

I’m addressing your points. Read back your posts and think about why you feel the need to doggedly argue with, insult and result to hyperbole on a post where everyone else is having a respectful conversation. And, again, look in the mirror.

Hi,

Can we draw a line now please?

@MooncakeandAvocato
Please do ask for my posts to be deleted. They aren't personally insulting in the way yours are and I openly asked mnhq to let me know whether my posts were inappropriate when I reported yours.

I am happy to share which of the top Uk and international universities I've got degrees from if you want me to. Again you're so superior insinuating that I wouldn't be as educated as you, why on earth would you make that statement when you have no idea? You've openly said you're not an Oxbridge graduate.

That's why I have no interest in further explaining my views to you. I am a person who judges people by their behaviour and not their education or values. Having personally attacked me with very derogatory statements that counts you out.

My mum had a term for this. It was "last word Annie" 😆 when two of them meet... Its murderrrr