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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ludicrous teenage situation in 37 year old woman. please help.

133 replies

anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 18:27

I have fallen in a massive way for a man at work. It is a complete non starter. He is married and so am I. My marriage is shaky at the moment, and I imagine that this severe crush, which has been going on for a year, has happened because of this. I think he knows how I feel about him and is being very polite and kind, whilst making it clear that he is not interested in betraying his wife. Clearly this marks him out as a mensch and doesn't help me get over him.
My problem is now this. I want to be normal with him and have an easy colleague relationship with him again. However, every time I have to talk to him, I blush, my voice goes squeaky and my brain empties. I haven't been in this situation for about 25 years. It's completely ridiculous, and I veer between laughing about it and wanting to cry because it's so painfully stupid. I have to work with him for the next four months and I would love to be able to become friends with him. Failing that, I would like to get back some of my dignity and begin to forget about him. I am normally fast, funny and verbal,so I hate being this mimsy girlie. I have told no one at work about this, but I'm afraid of it becoming obvious. I really feel about 13. Please help.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 13/12/2007 18:30

well there is no real question you just forget the idea of being his friend and minimse any time with him or leave..and give yoiurself a slap

and try and make some decisions about your own relationship either steps to sort it out or steps to end it

and then you will be able to move on at home or make new relationships elsewhere

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2007 18:30

Message withdrawn

JinglyJangly · 13/12/2007 18:33

yeah iCod is right .

Just look for another job, I know you shouldn't have to but I really think you need to.

HairyIrene · 13/12/2007 18:34

what's a mensch?

is ther anyone you can talk to in rl? girlfreind?

its a full time crush so it needs to be talked through and over and ad infintim..and so to death iirc..

esp if you have to work with him seriously for that length of time

i do feel for uyou and would try and fix my marriage first tbh

Original poster
anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 18:38

dp knows our marriage is tricky at the moment but has said he will talk to me about it in 6 months when he is less busy. I haven't mentioned Man x. No question of me leaving work, it's my project, I would have to sack Man x. If I can just get over the next 4 months without making a further twunt of myself....skiddies don't work sadly, though I have tried this. I am really badly gone on him. Sobbing to Amy Winehouse in car parks. Really pathetic. Going to get kids now will check out later.

OP posts:
JinglyJangly · 13/12/2007 18:41

I think most people go through life having a crush on someone whether you are married or not. I bet this time next year you won't even fancy him - well hopefully for your sake .

zippitippitoes · 13/12/2007 18:42

your dh said he will discuss the crap state of ur relationship in 6 months when he is less busy are u kidding

Original poster
anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 18:43

no

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 13/12/2007 18:44

well no wonder u are starting to fancy other people i'm not surpised at all

NotQuiteCockney · 13/12/2007 18:45

The crush will pass.

But wtf is up with your dp not having time to talk about your marriage for six months?!?

TotalChaos · 13/12/2007 18:47

mensch = decent human being.

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 13/12/2007 18:48

If I had a dp who couldn't timetable in a conversation with me for six months I would feel like you do too. Four months is not a long time to have to work with this man but I would avoid him a friendship is going to work.

TotalChaos · 13/12/2007 18:52

oh and I agree with NQC.

JinglyJangly · 13/12/2007 18:54

OP - What is it you like about this man so much? Does he flirt with you at all?

candypandy · 13/12/2007 19:01

So sorry for your sitch but I don't think you are alone in fact I know you are not . It's just awful isn't it. Is avoidance possible? I agree talk talk talk talk about it here or to someone miles and miles away from you and your marriage so that you don't have the extra worry of "what have I said they know my husband". Absolutely not in a position to give advice in fact wish someone had some for me. It's awful but the additionally awful thing is that it is absolutely electrifyingly exciting as well. I also deserve a slap. Avoidance good I feel. It helps it calm down a bit.

candypandy · 13/12/2007 19:03

erk should have changed name but don't know how

Original poster
anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 19:31

No he absolutely doesn't flirt, but we work in a very informal culture, lots of hugging and cheek kissing going on, lots of hanging out and drinking. It was about a year ago that I inadvertently let him know how I felt. We then didn't work together for about 10 months, and are now back in the mix again.
I was hoping it would have faded by now, but all that crying in carparks seems to have inflamed it rather than the opposite.
As for dp, without wanting to reveal who I am, I have been to relate on my own this year, as he was too busy to come. This has not helped, wildly. He says he will come if necessary in 6 months, when he is less busy. He does not know that this man exists.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 13/12/2007 19:35

I think i would have serious dounts about staying in the relationship tbh

the other is just a natural thing tghat is expanding to fill the gap

Original poster
anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 19:38

I don't know zippi. We have a lot that is good. Without going into detail it is hard to not paint Dh as a wnaker, and he isn't.
That there is a gap is undeniable however.
But my instinct to not fess up to the girls at work is right, right? Because as well as being a very informal culture it is also a wildly gossipy, slightly cruel culture.

OP posts:
candypandy · 13/12/2007 19:42

no not to the girls at work though do you have that horrible temptation to let him know somehow? if so i would advise not from personal experience

zippitippitoes · 13/12/2007 19:42

u clearly dont have enought hat is good or u wouldnt be so cut up about fancying someone else and it not being reciprocated

think u need to put the cards on the table for dh...as time goes on things get worse not better and no action is as bad as action

you will end up having an affair with someone if not this guy and that can be ugly

no dont tell the girls at work that would be silly

candypandy · 13/12/2007 19:49

second zippitippietoes

Original poster
anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 20:37

candypandy can you tell me what happened to you? I am sorry to hear you have been in a similar situation. I find mine really demeaning and ridiculous. What happened?

OP posts:
candypandy · 13/12/2007 21:00

ok i will and it started with feeling neglected, rejected, whatever you like to call it in marriage. When this nice, kind man came along I was very susceptible and felt knocked sideways, emotionally speaking. I felt like I was going to burst and at first didn't talk to anyone. Then I simply had to and asked a close non-dh friend about it. But it wasn't enough and eventually spoke to somebody v v close to all the parties involved. Result: disaster, embarrassment on horrific scale. The v nice chap thought I was unbalanced and a potential marriage breaker and gossip raged. In reality it was and still is a terrible internal struggle. I don't want to break up any marriages and certainly not my own. Apart from anything else THE CHILDREN. They keep me focussed on the right thing to do, which is obviously to bash on and focus on "the primary emotional relationship" etc. I'm now trying to pick up the pieces. And my dh is really a very very excellent chap. So I really can't give advice but I feel for you very much. I just wanted to run away from my part of the uk with my family and start somewhere new. But it's not an option. The only option is bashing on. I truly believe that doing the right thing can make one happy even if it costs in the short term.

Original poster
anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 21:05

God that sounds awful. Does your dh know what happened? Is your relationship better now? Do you still feel rejected? I feel for you.

OP posts: