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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ludicrous teenage situation in 37 year old woman. please help.

133 replies

anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 18:27

I have fallen in a massive way for a man at work. It is a complete non starter. He is married and so am I. My marriage is shaky at the moment, and I imagine that this severe crush, which has been going on for a year, has happened because of this. I think he knows how I feel about him and is being very polite and kind, whilst making it clear that he is not interested in betraying his wife. Clearly this marks him out as a mensch and doesn't help me get over him.
My problem is now this. I want to be normal with him and have an easy colleague relationship with him again. However, every time I have to talk to him, I blush, my voice goes squeaky and my brain empties. I haven't been in this situation for about 25 years. It's completely ridiculous, and I veer between laughing about it and wanting to cry because it's so painfully stupid. I have to work with him for the next four months and I would love to be able to become friends with him. Failing that, I would like to get back some of my dignity and begin to forget about him. I am normally fast, funny and verbal,so I hate being this mimsy girlie. I have told no one at work about this, but I'm afraid of it becoming obvious. I really feel about 13. Please help.

OP posts:
candypandy · 16/02/2008 10:23

YES!
god I'm so happy for you
it was a kerpoof after all!

stay with it.. even if you still have wobbly moments

and I hope everything works out with your dh but I guess that's another story

but in the meantime

ohmylife · 16/02/2008 20:23

I searched for crush and here I am, a 41 year old also in a ludicrous position - HUGE CRUSH on a man at work, a bit older, two children of a similar age to mine, it's so ridiculous and I almost manage to snap out of it then bang, bump into him again and right back where I started. It's been creeping up for about a year then he emailed me six months ago, the emails were just 'haven't seen you around?' type thing, once a fortnight, now it's every day, but nothing suggestive, just friendly and well, just like correspondence would be if you were falling in love (sun's out, where would you rather be now? what music have you got on your ipod') etc, etc. There is honestly no way I would actually DO anything, I mean that. I love my husband dearly and there is no way I would knowingly inflict pain on my family, yet, what's going on? Actually I'm quite shocked about the depth of feeling I have for a man who isn't my husband! Sometimes I think, did I marry the wrong man? It's almost not sexual (which makes me worry more in a way), I would actually like to open a bottle of wine and talk to him all night and watch the sun come up. I know, I know, pull myself together, I am being ridiculous, verging on playing a dangerous game. I'm OK if I keep busy but at the moment I'm up a few times a night with one or other child (bed wetting, coughing etc) and it's him I'm thinking of when I fall back into bed. I'm hoping it's just the fantasies of a tired housewife and if I sit it out it will pass.

toomanydaves · 03/03/2008 13:31

Hello y'all. Guidance needed. I am off on THE foreign work trip in two days and am getting somewhat in a state. My minge is wonderfully Hassidic - the minge of Moses - but my resolve is faltering.I am worried about because I still have feelings for Man X and although I don't want to shag him any more (ewwwwwwwww) I still want to BE with him iyswim. And I am worried about getting upset and doing another Britney. My conscious aim is to try and enjoy the trip - I don't get many days off parenting, nor do I go abroad a lot, so I should really make the most of it - it's an amazing opportunity, really exciting. But my subconscious aim is to make Man X realise how brilliant I am. That is shit, right?
Please give me stern talkings to asap. I go on Wednesday.

toomanydaves · 03/03/2008 13:39

bumping

mummybrains · 03/03/2008 13:52

Speaking as someone who has been there recently (see 'So guilty and confused over a fling..' about 12th Feb), I would say categorically please don't do it. I ended up totally smitten after finally falling into bed with my Man X and of course - realised too late that this was all he had been after all along. A quick f*ck and nothing more.

I have spent the last three weeks popping prescription pills like sweets, have partially fessed up to dp - which has been very painful for him - and it has thoroughly screwed me over.

Don't do it - you are asking for pain over what - a few lovely shags at best?

Your mental state will fluctuate with regard to your feelings for him - he's a nob, he's wonderful, I want him, no I can resist this.

Resist - please. Sending you strength xxxx

toomanydaves · 03/03/2008 18:53

thanks mummy brains. I am very sorry to hear about your position. That sounds terrible.

BUMPING FOR STERN EVENING CROWD..........

toomanydaves · 03/03/2008 19:49

bump
bump bump bump

CountessDracula · 03/03/2008 20:12

Don't go
Simple as that
Feign a last minute mystery bug or something

toomanydaves · 03/03/2008 21:58

not an option.
I have to go. I just want advice on staying strong.
And dignified.

screwedup · 04/03/2008 13:18

Don't do it. Go on the trip BUT be strong and show him you are over it (even if you're not).

I agree with Mummybrains, been there too, quite recently. Still feeling totally screwed up over it. Haven't told DH and never will.

I wish I had listened to my RL friends before getting in too deep. (We didn't go all the way but might as well have done.)

Good Luck.

green · 04/03/2008 17:45

TMD!!!!!!!
You ok? Think the only way to do it may be to keep on top of the drink? That way you will maintain some control and not do a britney? Also much pep talking and bigging yourself up before seeing him so you feel superhero cool.

CountessDracula · 04/03/2008 17:49

It is an option
of course it is

If one of your children was ill you wouldn't go

If you were ill you wouldn't go

The world would not stop turning

You are kidding yourself. You are going becasue you want to be with him.

Sort out your shaky marriage. Don't put yourself in this position. It is unfair on your dh. If you don't want him then end it. don't try and boost your own flagging self-esteem by trying to make yourself feel desirable and wanted which is what you are trying to do by putting yourself in close proximity to this man.

Get yourself some help to sort out your head.

Sorry if I sound harsh

Earlybird · 04/03/2008 17:56

She has been given all sorts of wise advice on the thread, but so far is ignoring most/all of it.

Toomanydaves - am feeling v. frustrated with you. You seem determined to remain on this potentially disastrous path. I suggest you go back and read this thread from start to finish, and then find your willpower and use it.

Think I may have to 'hide' this thread, as sadly I predict an unhappy outcome.

boudoiricca · 04/03/2008 18:14

oh COME ON TMD!

We have been through this...

It's about retaining your dignity more than anything, surely?

This is a work trip (which you claim is utterly essential). Will it really do your career / reputation any good to be associated with this man?

Set the rules in stone now. (If you REALLY HAVE to go). Do not spend any time with him, other than in a professional capacity. Don't sit near him / talk to him any more than is entirely necessary. I would say don't drink at all.

Do you really want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that he could just "have" you after all. And you KNOW he'll drop you faster than a hot potato afterwards. In front of all your colleagues. And your DP/H will find out. Think of your DCs.

You say the bubble is burst and you don't want to have sex with him. So don't. JUST DON'T. You have too much too lose. I really, really hope you are intelligent, strong and have sufficient self-respect to be able to stick to this and prove early wrong.

toomanydaves · 04/03/2008 19:33

Thank you all. I need this dressing-down. Early I particularly like your referring to me in the third person. You would make a great headmistress. .
I understand your various frustrations. The very reason I am posting again is because I feel in real danger and because I massively need and appreciate your talkings-to. The fact that I am posting is a sign of how seriously I am taking this, not the opposite. And if you had seen me day to day over the past few months you would not think that I am being glib about this. I have been working my arse off trying to move on and trying to repair my marriage. I have been doing ok, until now.This is the last hurdle.

I really, really HAVE to go. If I don't I am throwing away 5 years of hard work. It is literally a once in a lifetime's opportunity. Why should I not go, and Man X go? Why should it always be women who end up sacrificing themselves on the pyre of goodness? I can't imagine many men doing the same. I have to go, and I have to behave.
That is why I am just asking for your vibes to help me stay strong. I really, really want to come out well out of this. Thank you.

boudoiricca · 04/03/2008 19:37

Don't just WANT to come well out of this. Go into it knowing that you WILL do. The alternative is not to be considered. Even for an instant.

I am still not convinced you have convinced yourself, tbh.

rachaelsara · 04/03/2008 19:47

Picture you dh's face when you tell him you've shagged a slag and you're sorry.

toomanydaves · 04/03/2008 19:50

Oh - should have said - I am NOT staying at the hotel with the others, but with a friend. This is for self-protection.

rachaelsara · 04/03/2008 19:52

In a twin room with your friend?

toomanydaves · 04/03/2008 19:53

Pretty much. And far far away from the hotel.

rachaelsara · 04/03/2008 19:58

Surely that would make it easier because of no witnesses? If you have any compassion for your dh, just imagine his hurt and pain.

You wanted stern, imagine if dh surprised you and joined you on the trip and caught you even talking to someone about how you feel. What if you did the dirty and he caught you? You'd have to hate a person to want to inflict that much pain.

motherinferior · 04/03/2008 19:58

If it's a work opportunity, a once in a lifetime one, yes, you HAVE to go.

Think about it as work. He's not the one you have to impress. If this is a crucial career opportunity, treat it like one. Don't drink. At all. (Seriously. I have had many a conference fling - in my relative youth, before I took up with Mr Inferior - and booze was ahem instrumental in them all.)

If you don't go/do go and make a twit of yourself you are, either way, letting him win.

I've fallen for many a horrific chap in my time. IME the best, absolutely most stonkingly best revenge there is, is (a) to show you don't give a flying fandango about them (b) to do really rather well professionally.

toomanydaves · 04/03/2008 20:00

fighting talk MI I LOVE IT THANK YOU.

motherinferior · 04/03/2008 20:04

Also, I suspect it might backfire in the current situation of your marriage if you did tell Mr TMD, and he might do some horribly hurtful 'oh did you' lofty act again. Which should also be avoided.

Earlybird · 10/03/2008 13:45

Checking in to see if you're back from the trip, and if so, what happened....