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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ludicrous teenage situation in 37 year old woman. please help.

133 replies

anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 18:27

I have fallen in a massive way for a man at work. It is a complete non starter. He is married and so am I. My marriage is shaky at the moment, and I imagine that this severe crush, which has been going on for a year, has happened because of this. I think he knows how I feel about him and is being very polite and kind, whilst making it clear that he is not interested in betraying his wife. Clearly this marks him out as a mensch and doesn't help me get over him.
My problem is now this. I want to be normal with him and have an easy colleague relationship with him again. However, every time I have to talk to him, I blush, my voice goes squeaky and my brain empties. I haven't been in this situation for about 25 years. It's completely ridiculous, and I veer between laughing about it and wanting to cry because it's so painfully stupid. I have to work with him for the next four months and I would love to be able to become friends with him. Failing that, I would like to get back some of my dignity and begin to forget about him. I am normally fast, funny and verbal,so I hate being this mimsy girlie. I have told no one at work about this, but I'm afraid of it becoming obvious. I really feel about 13. Please help.

OP posts:
Dior · 30/01/2008 13:11

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anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 14:12

thank you, all. foxy i will cat you. Dior how did you cope at work? How did you hold your head up and be a gloria gaynor resplendent bird?

boudoiricca · 30/01/2008 15:22

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I am a bit concerned about your work trip away with him in March... There seems to be a kind of sliding inevitabilty towards everyone going for for dinner and drinking lots, you and he spending time together, him being terribly charming and you ending up in bed with him. Am I the only one who can see this?

If it's something you really don't want to do, and I think at this point in time it would be a really bad move, you might want to start steeling yourself against it and breaking the crush now...

Fireflyfairy2 · 30/01/2008 15:47

I feel sorry for you, but these things happen when you're getting no attention at home

You seem to be a bit stronger now than you were before Xmas, so that's a good thing.

Best of luck with the trip, it may be the thing that breaks the crush.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2008 16:48

Oooh, yes, boudoiricca has a very good point. You do need to think ahead about ways to avoid anything bad happening - very embarassing underwear, perhaps? (Not in a sexy way!)

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 16:54

the work trip is both inevitable and important to me. It's the first time my work has been seen abroad and it's really important that I be there. It's also the first time I have been on a plane since I was in a crash 5 years ago. So I need to go for so many reasons. I may well let my minge grow into a hideous topiary style though and buy some vile pants. I think your concerns are real, and I share them.

FioFio · 30/01/2008 16:56

This reply has been deleted

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boudoiricca · 30/01/2008 17:06

Am sorry to hear about the plane crash and you mustn't let this stop the work trip. Just saying that there might be an advantage in getting your feet firmly stuck to the ground now.

Would be very easy to spend the weeks at home leading up to it sitting around daydreaming and increasing the crush, and then once you're there, and staying in a hotel and in a whole different place away from real life, dh, dc things slip out of control...

Unkempt ladygarden is an excellent idea, I think. And easily achievable!

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 17:10

boudoiricca you are so right that is exactly what I HAVE been doing, sitting at home, daydreaming, weeping, generally being rubbish, planning my outfits. So ridiculous, huh. I thought the best revenge would be to look as marvellous as possible and then flirt wildly with some of the other people, especially the gay ones.

boudoiricca · 30/01/2008 17:27

Hmmm... yeah, see that's exactly what I would do. That's how crushes work - they consume your entire being.

Looking fabulous and flirting like crazy might = revenge in some part of your brain, but it's a bit too close to looking fabulous and being hilarious and have him suddenly see what he's missing and fall madly for you so you can turn round and reject him (wellll... probably reject him... wellll... maybe just a kiss...).

This is how brains work in the grip of a crush. You really need to banish it from your mind starting now. Think of his skidmarks. Thinks of his kids. Think of YOUR kids. Think of falling hungover out of his hotel room the morning after in front of all your colleagues. Think how hideously it could all go wrong...

Try and work on your real life at home better starting NOW instead (sorry if sound terribly bossy, I know how hard this is and am just trying to help).

Dior · 30/01/2008 17:32

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anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 18:10

I'm really sorry Dior. I have read many of your threads but I lost sight of what exactly happened with the man at work. I know about your terrible problems with your h. I have already done one session of crying at a works do in the toilets, and laughed it off as a drunk depression. I don't want to go there again. It was fucking awful. I hope you are feeling stronger now.
boudoiricca you are so right. We spin these webs of deceit around ourselves. And just as my concerned texts about his wellbeing are also a way of keeping close to him, looking fabulous is a way of doing the same. OK I am going to eat chocolate and have a hassidic minge by march.

Dior · 30/01/2008 18:35

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Earlybird · 30/01/2008 18:55

IMO, you are playing with fire. If you must go abroad in March, does ManX have to go? It would be far better if one of you didn't. The writing is on the wall from the way you post....you'll both go, there will be work related socialising, you'll both have a bit too much to drink and something will happen. It almost happened at the Christmas party.

As far as trip abroad: I think either you go/he doesn't, he goes/you don't, or you both go - and you keep yourself in an iron grip. Do NOT drink at all, spend free time in your room (invent an imaginary tummy bug if you need an excuse), if he rings/knocks on hotel room door do NOT open the door. Do NOT be alone with him, and do not have one on one conversations. No texting. No flirting. No socialising. It's clear you can't handle it, so don't tempt yourself.

Forget about being friends. You're torturing yourself. Force yourself not to allow self indulgent/day dreaming thoughts to enter your mind. Go for a walk, call up a pal - don't let your mind go there.

I know it's hard, but you must be tough instead of self indulgent. And if I were you, I would NOT be having any alcohol. You need your wits about you, and your defenses up. Be strong.

foxinsocks · 30/01/2008 19:34

hassidic minges are in, don't you know.

Weirdly, I was in a plane crash in 1990 and it totally messes with my mind when I fly. That can't be helping your state of mind.

I think you've done quite well not shagging him tbh, especially with your lack of attention from dh.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 19:37

thanks Earlybird. Like your style. I wish I could be that impervious, strong, woman. You make it sound so easy. It isn't. And perhaps I am self indulgent - or perhaps I am just in a tricky situation - but the very reason I am posting is to help myself see sense.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 19:39

have you got a hassidic minge foxy? Actually don't it's tmi.
I still haven't catted you. I will.
x

Earlybird · 30/01/2008 20:02

Hmm - reading back I see that my use of 'self indulgent' perhaps not quite right, and could be read as unsympathetic to your situation.

What I was trying to say (badly) is that you should do everything in your power to be strong because this is a potentially disastrous situation for you and your family. You cannot afford to be less than vigilant, and if at all possible you should not allow yourself to be tempted by something (someone) you cannot resist. And as hard as your current situation is, I fear things will become much worse if you allow yourself to act on the fantasy.

It may be dramatic to say - but would you put an alcoholic in a bar and expect them to be able to resist having a drink? Would you let them look at the bottles? Maybe touch them? Pour a glass, perhaps inhale the aroma, but not actually drink it? Of course not, you would advise them not to tempt themselves in that way because they will most likely fail.

You are tempting (and torturing) yourself with fantasies of this man. You must find a steely resolve to overcome your thoughts.

boudoiricca · 30/01/2008 21:28

Round of applause for earlybird - I agree entirely

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 22:32

Early it's fine. Your advice is sound, I didn't take it badly and you didn't express it badly. It is a serious situation. TBH I am grateful that he has stopped texting me because it has given me the opportunity to let him go. Perhaps the death of his mother is making him rethink the casualness with which he embarks on extra marital flings. If so, that would be very good, for him, and his family, and also for me.

NotQuiteCockney · 31/01/2008 07:27

Hmmm, maybe the death has, maybe it hasn't. Maybe it's made him think 'life is short, best shag everyone I can in the meantime'.

I wouldn't rely on him coming to his senses - I'd be doing as earlybird recommends, if I had to go. You need to be the reason why you guys don't end up shagging, rather than his dead mum.

Oh, and I'd be telling my DH about what happened, and being straightforward about it all, too, as un-tempting as that no doubt sounds.

toomanydaves · 31/01/2008 13:27

The most hurtful thing is that I think to him I am an eight-pinter. Which makes him way more screwed up than I want to think about. Why would you do that? Why would you?

toomanydaves · 31/01/2008 13:29

oh arse just rumbled self.

Dior · 31/01/2008 17:40

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green · 31/01/2008 18:05

Lordy loo toomanydaves, few too many similarities going on here. Reading thread with interest. Done the crying in car to Amy too (and Adele - loving her for romantic angst).