Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ludicrous teenage situation in 37 year old woman. please help.

133 replies

anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 18:27

I have fallen in a massive way for a man at work. It is a complete non starter. He is married and so am I. My marriage is shaky at the moment, and I imagine that this severe crush, which has been going on for a year, has happened because of this. I think he knows how I feel about him and is being very polite and kind, whilst making it clear that he is not interested in betraying his wife. Clearly this marks him out as a mensch and doesn't help me get over him.
My problem is now this. I want to be normal with him and have an easy colleague relationship with him again. However, every time I have to talk to him, I blush, my voice goes squeaky and my brain empties. I haven't been in this situation for about 25 years. It's completely ridiculous, and I veer between laughing about it and wanting to cry because it's so painfully stupid. I have to work with him for the next four months and I would love to be able to become friends with him. Failing that, I would like to get back some of my dignity and begin to forget about him. I am normally fast, funny and verbal,so I hate being this mimsy girlie. I have told no one at work about this, but I'm afraid of it becoming obvious. I really feel about 13. Please help.

OP posts:
candypandy · 31/01/2008 18:27

Hi anemone I am so sorry to hear how things have gone. Snowleopard's right.. five days together and the excitement COULD wear off.. but it's really a tough one. Mine went on for a year. What has worked (sod it .. is still working) for me is a resolution that I hold onto by the skin of my teeth which is

"I will not shag him I will not shag him I will not shag him I will not shag him.."

It sounds so stupid but at the point of lowest and least resistance it can save you for another day, another fresh start. Even another opportunity for a ker-poof moment. It does sound like he's not a particularly excellent person to have around as your marriage is in difficulties and if he suddenly turns out to be apparently kind and considerate as well you are going to struggle I can tell you! It's a mantra.. "I will not shag him.." Excuses, avoidance.. use anything. When you feel yourself giving in, disappear and tell yourself your "playing it cool". Eventually it will wear off and you have to just sit it out. I really hope this helps and I'm so sorry if it doesn't.

candypandy · 31/01/2008 18:30

I wouldn't tell my dh by the way. I can't see how that will help. He could get mad as anything -- cue rows, silence, non speaking, sending you to seek solace elsewhere. It's up to you I reckon. Bloody bloody hard. I sympathise so much. I think there should be a "Crush Anonymous" for people like us.

Rantmum · 31/01/2008 18:35

I got a crush on someone a while ago and felt much as you describe. I ended up just telling ds (he was a bit hurt, but actually removing the "forbidden" element of my feelings helped reduce the sheer intensity of my crush) If your marriage is shaky or your dh is insecure about himself this may not be the best option, but if he is fairly level-headed most of the time it may help.

I said something like "You know I love you, but I have something really embarrassing to tell you, I feel like a stupid teenager, but I have developed a crush on person X, and I feel that I have to tell you, because although nothing has ever happened, I still feel "unfaithful" even having these feelings for someone else. It is not that I don't love you, because I do, and I am not in love with person X, but I have a definite attraction to him that happened unexpectedly. He doesn't know and I am sure that it is not mutual. There doesn't seem to be any point in telling you except that I feel I need to be honest so that I can start to put the feelings behind me"

green · 31/01/2008 18:35

Yes I'll sign up to crush anonymous.

Rantmum · 31/01/2008 18:38

I meant dh (ds was but a twinkle in dh's eye at the time)

candypandy · 31/01/2008 18:48

Rantmum..
that's wonderful that you could do that.. and yes, the forbidden element needs to be got rid off.

but the thing is when you have kissed, or done anything at all, what do you say when the questions start? you have to lie, basically, or you are confessing to a lot more than just a crush. Anemone has kissed him and a bit more.

I don't know. In my situation it would be chronically crap to talk about it. Maybe in anemone's not.. it might make her dh realise the seriousness of their issues.

3catstoo · 31/01/2008 19:34

This all sounds so familiar. Can I please join crushes anon? (she says whilst sitting willing the mobile to buzz with another text).

It's such a difficult situation to be in and unless you've been through it, it is hard to relate and makes you judge people.

I too am feeling neglected at home. Had text advances from another (married) man. He is a total bastard but it's attention and I'm being charmed by him. I have no wish for my marriage to end or to hurt DH (and the children) but I can't help the sheer excitment I feel when I do hear from this other man.
I feel that he has done this before many times, whereas I have not ever.

I can't think rationally and wish it would just go away but it doesn't. What is it about Amy W. I can't stop playing her CD either.

Sorry I have no answers, just a huge amount of sympathy.

toomanydaves · 31/01/2008 19:36

Thanks all. Green, how are you? What happened in your therapy the next time?
In my situation I KNOW it would destroy ANY chance of dh and I sorting things out. He is extremely insecure in that area. I don't need to be cruel. And it is way beyond me doing it in that casual and charming way. I wouldn't be able to pull it off. So it's hassidic minges,mantras, and nerves of steel.

littlewoman · 31/01/2008 19:38

I don't mean to be rude, but I had a similar thing with 'going a bit too far with some guy', (though I'm single) and he told me the day after that his dad had died so he was going to keep his head low for a while. Totally untrue. Just his was of buggering off without me hassling him, cos who hassles a bloke whose dad has just died? I don't think I would trust your crush man. Who goes out pulling when their mum is dying in hospital, come to think of it?

toomanydaves · 01/02/2008 02:21

His mum is definitely dead, and the funeral was yesterday.

allgonebellyup · 01/02/2008 03:26

Done the crying to Amy Winehouse in the car too! (my crush/feelings are for my ex-dh though, now with another woman plus baby on the way)

Her words kind of sum it all up dont they, especially Wake up Alone, and Back to Black.

Hope you havent been texting him?

candypandy · 01/02/2008 16:41

hello mrs
how's it going?
teeth still gritted? mantra still working? i guess you're away from your computer at the weekend but if not let us know x

green · 01/02/2008 18:00

Bugger. Had posted a really rather articulate and thought provoking reply but seems not to have posted. (or maybe it was a load of crap?).

TMD - have updated my thread following counselling session (should i get over myself - or something similar). Would love your feedback.

I think the hardest thing to clarify in my head at the mo is how to separate the crush (the symptom) from the bigger problem which is the relationship and getting needs met and all the other stuff with uncommunicative and emotionally distant husbands. If there is one positive within all the hideousness of melancholic music and crying in the car, I think it is rather empowering to realise there are other options. Okay I accept that this guy at work is not a viable/sensible other option, but it does show there isn't only a plan A if you know what I mean?

(yeah, wasn't as insightful as I had remembered).

toomanydaves · 03/02/2008 10:22

Candy the nerves are jangling with the strain but are just about there. However, we are still communicating. He texted me to tell me about the funeral. I responded to offer my sympathies. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I feel until we get this trip out of the way I am not going to be able to let go of him. If I can do the trip and retain my self respect I will be free, I think.

candypandy · 03/02/2008 22:03

good luck flower.. it's shite ain't it if you'll excuse the language

will be thinking of you.. sure you can do it, it's going to be really tough but imagine how great you'll feel afterwards x

toomanydaves · 08/02/2008 14:01

Hello. Feeling quite shite today as have heard nothing from Man X for over a week. Will see him next Friday. Is very hard as have spoken to all other members of the team and have even heard his voice in the background. Have told dh I will give him a year to try and get things back on track and if things are not better by Christmas we will split. I think that's fair, given that my clarity of thought is somewhat obfuscated at the moment. Anyone got that machine from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind to wipe my brain? Am in severe pain. Luckily busy, but god.

green · 09/02/2008 12:06

how are you feeling today tmd (wasn't around much yesterday - we all came down with the lurgy). Your proposal to dh sounds sensible.

Earlybird · 09/02/2008 13:01

If you'll pardon my saying so, you do not seem (or sound) determined to shut this fantasy down and get on with giving your RL relationship a serious go. Not at all.

I'm sorry it's painful, but consider it a blessing that this man has not been in contact. It allows you to begin to disengage and refocus elsewhere.

Now you're experiencing the pain of a fantasy and unrequited love. As hard as it is atm, it is nothing compared to the pain you will experience if you allow yourself to get involved with a serial shagger. It will probably destroy your homelife and your worklife. Not to mention how it will rock the lives of your children and your dh.

Get a grip woman, and stop mooning over this man!

green · 09/02/2008 19:01

tmd - you ok?

toomanydaves · 09/02/2008 19:38

Early, I love your stern dressing downs ( I imagine you in a matronly outfit)and of course you are absolutely right and I would love to be able to acheive this. But how do you do it? Do you have any spells? I am very busy, I am working my arse off and raising two kids pretty much solo (one of the problems with me and dh). So I am not spending hours mooning any more. But I am in pain, and because I know I have to see him several more times,and because I see our mutual colleagues all the time, it's impossible to just cut off right now. But I am not contacting him, which I think is pretty steely - it just means the pain is more intense. And you are right also that I am not giving my RL relationship a fair chance. But I think I can't see clearly to do that till after this work trip. Hence my giving DH the rest of the year. Hopefully after that I will be clearer in mind.

Green, how are you, hope you are not vomiting still?

toomanydaves · 16/02/2008 01:44

Hello y'all. I wanted to share that I have tonight had a REVELATION.......... I had to go to a thing, where Man X was, and I was very busy entertaining some people, and feeling STRONG and OK, and then I was talking to a close female friend on the team, and she said something really casually about Man X which just totally confirmed his serial shaggingness for me. And far from it making me miserable, it actually made me laugh and feel free. I have been so sick and ill with all this - and wasted so much time enmired in hell. He texted me as I was leaving - nothing salacious, just a hello - and I texted him back but I just felt this huge freedom, that I ain't going to be NO ONE's notch on their bedpost. Whether this perkiness is biorhythmic or seasonal or longlasting I dont know yet. But I drove back home feeling stronger and lighter and more like myself than I have for AGES. I just wanted to let all you lovely people know that. I might need help to maintain the feeling.

buzzybee · 16/02/2008 05:50

TMD just wanted to say hello and send you strength to make things work with your DH and to continue to resist the other man.

BTW are you sure your DH hasn't been doing anything similar? Just that resisting counselling is one sign of this. And having "sad conversations" is no guarantee that he isn't. Apologies if I'm raising un-necessary spectres.

toomanydaves · 16/02/2008 09:14

No buzzy he definitely hasn't. He's a workaholic. And he has a severely low libido, which is also one of the problems.

boudoiricca · 16/02/2008 10:12

YAY! It sounds to me as though you may have broken the back of this. The Man is an Arse and now you can see that clearly. You are worth WAY more than notch on bedpost material (we all are).

Don't doubt the length of this feeling - hold onto your strength and promise yourself now that you are NOT going back there.

boudoiricca · 16/02/2008 10:13

YAY! It sounds to me as though you may have broken the back of this. The Man is an Arse and now you can see that clearly. You are worth WAY more than notch on bedpost material (we all are).

Don't doubt the length of this feeling - hold onto your strength and promise yourself now that you are NOT going back there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread