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Original poster

Ludicrous teenage situation in 37 year old woman. please help.

133 replies

anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 18:27

I have fallen in a massive way for a man at work. It is a complete non starter. He is married and so am I. My marriage is shaky at the moment, and I imagine that this severe crush, which has been going on for a year, has happened because of this. I think he knows how I feel about him and is being very polite and kind, whilst making it clear that he is not interested in betraying his wife. Clearly this marks him out as a mensch and doesn't help me get over him.
My problem is now this. I want to be normal with him and have an easy colleague relationship with him again. However, every time I have to talk to him, I blush, my voice goes squeaky and my brain empties. I haven't been in this situation for about 25 years. It's completely ridiculous, and I veer between laughing about it and wanting to cry because it's so painfully stupid. I have to work with him for the next four months and I would love to be able to become friends with him. Failing that, I would like to get back some of my dignity and begin to forget about him. I am normally fast, funny and verbal,so I hate being this mimsy girlie. I have told no one at work about this, but I'm afraid of it becoming obvious. I really feel about 13. Please help.

OP posts:
candypandy · 13/12/2007 21:05

My situation differs from yours (and you are a better person than me) because you have sought first to make things better in your marriage, and your efforts have been dismissed (it seems to me).

candypandy · 13/12/2007 21:09

No. He doesn't. I am grateful for that. And all his neglectful behaviour has ended but I'm left with these feelings. I think things are on the way up for me but it is awful to see someone at the top of the same slide, if you don't mind my metaphor. I suppose I would say hold yourself, try to retain your dignity all the things I didn't do.

Original poster
anameinachanger · 13/12/2007 21:11

Better schmetter. I really don't trust myself at the moment. It's all a massive mess.But I will definitely not tell him, or anyone else at work. I have to go and deal with my dcs now, who are playing up madly.
I will need to post again. Not working till Monday, so have a few days to
try and calm down. thanks.

OP posts:
candypandy · 13/12/2007 21:12

Take care. Talk all want on here if it keeps you sane and from talking to other unsuitable people! I'll look out for you.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 09:51

Hello, I need to revamp this thread. I am a nameinachanger but it seemed a bit unseasonal. Much has happened since I last posted on this. I think my marriage is over, although we are going for counselling to try and sort it out. I am not optimistic. In the meantime, the problems with Man X have become ridiculous. At a work party in December - not a Christmas party, a celebration of a brilliant thing we had all done - we started flirting and he kindly offered to shag me. I had the presence of mind to turn him down but not until I had kissed him/other stuff. I have been suffering ever since. I am really crazy about him. It transpires he was unaware of this when he kindly offered to shag me. The following day he called me from a hospital 300 miles away to say that his mother was dying of cancer. I had been about to suggest we carried on our dalliance, and was filled with disgust for myself. I have seen him a few times since at work but have not really been able to have a proper conversation with him and it has been very painful. His mother is now dead. I think that, far from being a mensch, he is actually a serial shagger,but he is also one with a dead mother and a marriage. I tried to be supportive about his mother, although I am aware that it's not really altruism but fuckedupness that makes me need to talk to him, and for a while he seemed to really appreciate it but he is now not returning my texts (only 2, i haven't been bunny boiling) and I am spending all my evenings crying and drinking and smoking and generally being ridiculous. I need to get over him, but we are working together again in a few weeks time. I am in real pain.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 10:08

.

MoreSpamThanGlam · 30/01/2008 10:10

My heart is skipping for you. Sorry i cant be more helpful, but I remember that feeling well.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 10:14

what did you do to get rid of it? It seems that until I survive our last work thing together - 5 days abroad - I won't be able to put him behind me. I hate feeling like this. I feel like I am being a shit mother as well.

SlartyBartFast · 30/01/2008 10:14

it will pass, i am sure of that. everytime you think of him, tell yourself you hate him, don't day dream about him., he is allowed to be a friend but that is all.
if he is a serial shagger you wouldnt want a man like that, tell yourself that...

Baffy · 30/01/2008 10:19

bump for you

not sure what to suggest really (as someone struggling to get over her ex who is equally a serial shagger and who I'm better off without!)

Not sure what to say... Think my way of dealing with it at the moment is just to get out with my friends, chat up as many blokes as possible, and try to forget about him!

I'm sorry about your marriage though.

Could this be a rebound thing? You know he's not right for you, you probably could never trust him, plus he's married anyway.
Surely he's 1 person who's much better being kept as a fantasy - the reality sounds like it will cause a lot of people a lot of pain - including yourself.

When you are ready to date again, make sure it's someone who's worthy of you.

In the meantime though, if you are going to counselling, you do owe it to your marriage to make that your sole focus and give it 100%. It's a waste of everyone's time otherwise. I know this man is probably a welcome distraction from everything at home. But I think you need to sort out once and for all what's happening with your husband before you even think about anyone else.

Good luck.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 10:22

I should forget about trying to be friends with him, right?

No more "concerned " texts about his mother?

SlartyBartFast · 30/01/2008 10:25

no more concerned texts sounds a good start.

i spose you can be friends... if you work together... you have to be.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 10:27

God it's so painful all the rest of the team are together (with him) and I am stuck at home with the kids working from home until we go away in March. I don't know what is going on, I can't confide in anyone else, all I know is that suddenly he has stopped texting me. I am not even completely sure that he is a serial shagger but his behaviour towards me would suggest that he is.

Surr3ymummy · 30/01/2008 10:31

You can't be friends with him, at least not until some time has passed. I believe an emotional relationship has to end totally - ideally not seeing the other person for some length of time. If at a later date you meet again, you may find you can be friends. This sort of happened to me - I finished a relationship with a man I loved, and with whom I was working. A friend advised me that I needed to "take control" - and not see him. This meant going to the gym at lunch rather than lunching with the team etc - really just avoiding being around him in any social situation at all. It worked, I got over him and met my fantastic DH and am very happy. I have seen the guy since, on a number of occasions - as we have mutual friends, but we no longer work for the same company. I no longer have any feelings for him, other than the way I feel about other friends. Haven't seen him now for a few years, but don't have a problem with that, but also wouldn't have a problem with bumping into him either.

Stick in there - absolutely no/minimal contact is much easier than trying to be friends which will cause you a lot more pain.

Surr3ymummy · 30/01/2008 10:35

Oh and just to add, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be friendly - in a professional way - when you are working together. You don't want to come across as bitter! So treat him exactly as you would anyone else - friendly, polite, courteous - nothing more.

Sort out what's happening with your own marriage - even if it doesn't work out, you'll need space to get over it. Getting involved on the rebound, or with someone who is involved elsewhere is just not worth it - you deserve better...

snowleopard · 30/01/2008 10:38

I know this is serious and you're hurting and I don't mean to be flippant, but have you read the ker-poof thread.

Seriously - if you can find a way to see through your crush and find something about him that you don't like, it could go ker-poof. I have had it happen with people I really thought I was into and it saved me a lot of trouble. In one case I talked to af riend of the man in question and his disdain for his friend's ways with women immediately made me see things differently. Can you talk to someone who knows him and get a different perspective? I agree that if you are going for counselling, you need to give it your attention. Whatever you feel for this man, that actually has little bearing on your relationship with DH and you needs to address the marriage issues separately.

For starters, Mr Mensch was prepared to fool around with you when he has a wife. Not a good sign. In fact it is a sign that he's a man you don't need in your life.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 12:34

I have read the kerpoof thread and I was pmsl. It's fantastic. Unfortunately I can't think of any kerpoof things about Man X at the moment. There must be several. My feeling that he is a serial shagger, even though he has small children, should really be enough to kerpoof me totally. But it isn't. I am going to try and be steely and not contact him. But I am terrified of what will happen when we go away - not that I am expecting him to jump into bed with me - but that I am scared of not behaving with dignity and self respect. I am so excited about seeing him for 5 whole days and I know this is so wrong. I know my marriage is the bigger issue. We are waiting for our relate appointment and just having lots of very sad conversations in the meantime.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2008 12:39

I don't know, I think something random can put you off someone when you're ready to be put off them. But the OP has big problems in her marriage, and it sounds like (understandably) she'd rather be distracted by this bloke than try to sort out the problems. (Of course, how could you sort them out with no help from your DH?)

Does your DH know how bad things are? Is counselling on your own an option, if Relate or similar isn't?

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 12:43

Hello NQC. I am doing the full works. counselling on my own to try and deprogramme man x from myself and work out whether I am being insane to want to leave my marriage. This starts next week. And counselling with h to see if we can salvage anything, or to make the break easier/more civilised. We are on the waiting list. I am also trying to make myself more financially independent, in the event that we do split. He earns 12 x what I do, I have got used to a certain income level and it will be a big shock when I am struggling alone with 2 dcs.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 12:44

Oh, and dh knows that I had the opportunity to shag someone and didn't. He doesn't know that I have immense passionate feelings for someone and that I have had them for a year. our marital problems predate that by some time incidentally, man x didn't cause them but is a symptom of them.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2008 12:49

Hmmm, you should probably talk to him fully about the thing with the other man, tbh.

And the counselling, for you, and for you both, will take time. The couples counselling (and the individual counselling) may end up with you separate, but will hopefully mean a more civilised split, at least.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I don't think it's worth trying to be friends with this chap, I'd avoid as much as possible, given what's already happened.

snowleopard · 30/01/2008 12:52

Point taken... but you never know, and the 5 days might actually be the time when you do see through it all.

The man I mentioned - I was hung up on him for years, even though I was in a relationship (different situation of course though, not married and pre-kids) - but nonetheless, when it went kerpoof, the crush was gone. It can happen.

Interestingly I then went on to shag him after that - had a dirty weekend with him once at his instigation when I was on the rebound - and it was disappointing and dull and I had no idea what I'd seen in him.

You're so right about the "teenage" feeling... and I know it well. But when you feel like that, it's a warning sign that it is a bubble that can and will go pop. No one, in their true nature, in their full selves, makes you feel like that really (and i don't mean that in a depressing way - I am still in love with my DP, but I mean that heart-pounding crush feeling). You feel like that when you have a need to feel like that and you project it onto someone. Not criticising you, you can't help it and it's horrible for you - but focusing on the bigger picture and the fact that these feelings can't last in this way, whatever happens, might help.

foxinsocks · 30/01/2008 12:56

I am sorry. Really, genuinely sorry. If you want to talk, you know where I am.

anemonegranger · 30/01/2008 13:00

you rumbled me then foxy?

foxinsocks · 30/01/2008 13:06

lol doesn't matter (the rumbling). I meant what I said though.

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