To think my enabling mother is just as bad

[BanksysGhostPainter]

I spent my whole life growing up in a dysfunctional household, think lashings of coercive control, verbal abuse and terror, and it all came from my father.

Fast forward to now: I am looking back through my adult eyes and I am appalled at how ineffectual, selfish and cowardly my mother was for letting us stay in that situation. I am FURIOUS, both with her, and with myself for only just realising this. I am sure many people might be able to relate. I just can’t get over this.

BTW she is still with him, is an emotional millstone round my neck, jealous of the fact I am out of that situation, burdens me with every woe, is always the victim, etc.

AIBU to view her this way?

BTW I’m alright now. Not thriving in some ways but getting help and feeling very empowered.

I think it’s understandable to feel that way. Part of me wants to say she was a victim of him and under his control too but actually she is an adult who could have acted while you were a child who needed protecting

I think you're being unfair actually - your mother is a victim too here.

Was your father ever nice/fatherly to you?
Could she have thought that the good outweighed the bad?

She was and is a victim of it. But that’s not my fault. And she bears responsibility that I don’t because I was a child and therefore powerless.

@MrsColon
Don't believe that the mum is a victim at all. She can leave, the kids can't.

I'm sorry that you experienced this but YABU to blame your mother rather than your father.

It might be worth considering some counselling.

No. Not ever. I only remember fear and the grave need to toe the line to prevent my mother suffering retribution.

But that’s not my fault.

Is she blaming you?

Thankyou for being honest. Counselling is ongoing, but yes good suggestion.

May I enquire if you have been a victim of coercive control as a partner? Feel free not to answer of course. Just curious if you have sympathy from that point of view due to personal experience.

I didn't realise until my mum told me a few years ago that my stepdad emotionally financially and physically abused her. I wish she'd told me 30 years ago. She was scared of losing her home and her business.

[quote DrManhattan]@MrsColon
Don't believe that the mum is a victim at all. She can leave, the kids can't.[/quote]
So no woman is a victim of domestic violence then? Because they can all just leave…

Subconsciously I believe she is by acting out jealously about my current life. But my point is whether or not she is also a victim, she was the adult.

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

I didn't realise until my mum told me a few years ago that my stepdad emotionally financially and physically abused her. I wish she'd told me 30 years ago. She was scared of losing her home and her business.

You’re lucky not to have been told as a child, as it would have been damaging to you.

Now you're empowered, instead of being angry with her, why not try and help her

Can totally relate in terms of having a moment of realisation years after.
I believe both my parents were abusive. Physically and emotionally.
It’s only really since becoming a parent myself that I understand how they failed me.
I have very little to do with them these days and don’t feel any guilt about that fact.

@Fomomofo

Now you're empowered, instead of being angry with her, why not try and help her

I have tried. And tried. And tried. Offered her somewhere to live, resources in the community, money for therapy, I am always shouldering her whinging on about her life then she gets in the car and drives back there.

@NewbieAlert

Can totally relate in terms of having a moment of realisation years after. I believe both my parents were abusive. Physically and emotionally. It’s only really since becoming a parent myself that I understand how they failed me. I have very little to do with them these days and don’t feel any guilt about that fact.

Yes, this resonates. I have a nephew and just wouldn’t dream of doing anything less than removing them and calling the police if they acted like my father did. It’s seeing him and thinking about this that triggered all this off.

Oh and in answer to your question, I was in an abusive relationship for years and years after I left home. No children with that man. I know my parents knew about the abusive as one time I called them for help and they came to my house after an attack.
Even then they did nothing to support me and maintained a relationship with my ex (despite what he did to me) after I left him because “he was like a son to them”.

Could she have stayed to actually protect you?

My Mum stayed as she couldn't stand the thought of our Dad having access to us without her there. She did a LOT to try and keep him as calm/ happy as possible. This was obviously at huge personal expense. I do emotionally support her, but I view being able to give back a privilege for everything she did to try and reduce the abuse on us.

Having friends who have left abusive husbands. It is horrible for the children having to go to their Dads who basically take it out on the kids as a way to get back at the Mum.

DHs’s mother is in the same situation. The maid on Netflix was really good at illustrating how difficult it is to leave abuse and particularly back in the day. I think having an insight into how difficult it is definitely helps DH. There is no question that the dynamics of abusive relationships are highly complex. My MIL definitely has needs met in the relationship and she takes absolutely no responsibility for herself and unreasonably leans on her children which is very frustrating for them and damaging. But you can’t change that so really strong boundaries is almost all you can do. My MIL is highly manipulative though and knows buttons to press especially with SIL to get her needs met. It is very upsetting for lovely SIL. I know why you are frustrated, there are days when my most laid back man in history comes back from his DPs fit to pull his hair out with frustration. But in saying all of that FIL is beyond a tosser.

Are you furious with your father too?

@NewbieAlert

Oh and in answer to your question, I was in an abusive relationship for years and years after I left home. No children with that man. I know my parents knew about the abusive as one time I called them for help and they came to my house after an attack. Even then they did nothing to support me and maintained a relationship with my ex (despite what he did to me) after I left him because “he was like a son to them”.

I’m so sorry. What a terrible time you went through.

I felt sick reading your comment as my mother has done this in our family. My older sister’s proven cheating, lying, revolting husband is still in regular contact with my mother. Not just him but all his family. Because she’s “a nice person”. Totally blind to how utterly disrespectful it is to my sister.

I have tried. And tried. And tried. Offered her somewhere to live, resources in the community, money for therapy, I am always shouldering her whinging on about her life then she gets in the car and drives back there.

If it was that easy to leave an abusive relationship, everyone would do it.

The truth is its complicated...
I grew up with similar but my mum eventually left when all the children were basically adults.

I was very angry at her for a long time because she stayed and enabled him for so long - while that was true she was also a victim of his awful behaviour.

While both of those things are true it is also true that in part she stayed because she (weirdly) got something out of it. She got to be the martyr and hold moral high ground.
Your mother is no doubt similar.

I carried anger for a long time. Its been easier to move past it as my dad is dead now. So its more in the rear view.

In your case i think you need boundaries with your mum. Dont let her bang on about him and complain how mean he is