To think my enabling mother is just as bad

[BanksysGhostPainter]

I spent my whole life growing up in a dysfunctional household, think lashings of coercive control, verbal abuse and terror, and it all came from my father.

Fast forward to now: I am looking back through my adult eyes and I am appalled at how ineffectual, selfish and cowardly my mother was for letting us stay in that situation. I am FURIOUS, both with her, and with myself for only just realising this. I am sure many people might be able to relate. I just can’t get over this.

BTW she is still with him, is an emotional millstone round my neck, jealous of the fact I am out of that situation, burdens me with every woe, is always the victim, etc.

AIBU to view her this way?

In some respects I think you're absolutely right. She DID standby and let that happen. She SHOULD have changed the situation for your benefit, if not hers too. She SHOULD be thankful you're out of it now.

But she's human. She probably has extremely low confidence and resilience and therefore she doesn't know how to remove herself from that environment. She maybe hasn't experienced better and therefore doesn't see it in the same way you do. Maybe she thinks that's what a functional or at least "normal" relationship looks like. Maybe she worried about how she'd support you if she left your dad. Maybe she didn't think she was worthy of different.

You're entitled to feel the way you do. It's understandable and most people would feel that way probably. A mother's job is seen to protect her children. But in reality, mums are still just people. And people fuck up all the time. Some people, like your mum, just aren't able to see what's going on, or make the change they really ought to.

Big hugs, I'm sorry your family set up wasn't great x

OP, I'm sorry you've went thru this.

My childhood was filled with abuse by family and family friends and neither one of my parents did anything to protect me. They also both abused me while the other parent did nothing.

This caused me to go to an abusive husband (now divorced!) who beat me all the time. The day he beat me in front of the kids, I left. I left while fearing for MY life and without any money to my name.

People here are saying she was a victim too, which of course she was/is. But as a parent, you need to protect your kids. If not, give them to someone who will protect them and you can stay in the abusive marriage. There is absolutely no excuse in this entire universe for not protecting the kids you brought into this world and have a duty to protect. No one here or anywhere will convince me otherwise.

So I understand where you're coming from OP. And I suggest right now, you go no contact with your mom while you get some therapy and work on yourself. I cut my parents off for awhile while I healed, then I forgave them and let them back into my life.

You don't have to come up with solutions, or be her listening ear just because it's your mom. I have empathy for abused women, because I used to be one, but you can't be a victim forever. And you can't stress people with your issues while you do nothing to help yourself.

Just take some time for you, OP. You can work on your relationship with her later, after you learn how to set strong boundaries.

Good luck.

There's an incredible level of naivety on here, from people who presumably have no idea what it's like to have a traumatic upbringing.

What OP describes is a common pattern. An abusive parent and a codependent/enabling one go hand in hand. Whether the abuser is the mother or the father, the dynamic is the same.

Telling the OP how mean she is, and assuming her mother is a victim, is very blinkered.

OP knows what she experienced and she's absolutely justified to feel anger towards both parents. The anger towards her mother is active right now as it's new, stop trying to guilt her for having perfectly understandable feelings.

I hear you OP and I agree with you.

In my case, it only really hit home once I had my own child. I could never subject my child (children now) to the horrors of the emotional and physical abuse I grew up with. My parents marriage was beyond toxic and both of them were at fault in different ways.

The eventual (far too late) divorce didn't really make life that much better. Different dramas, even more toxic if anything. It was all their personal tragedy, no-one understood how terrible it was (for them). No-one else existed or mattered, even their 5 children. 4 had grown up and left home (as soon as humanly possible) by then just me, the band-aid baby that had failed miserably to fix the unfixable left to deal with it.

Absolutely justified and deserved to have contempt and anger at the parent who facilitated abuse. Anyone feeling sympathy for the enabler has the privilege of not having suffered child abuse. The child had no choice in the abuse, the enabler chose not to leave. If it makes you reading this think that maybe one day your kid will think this about you, change. Get therapy for your kid, no excuse for allowing child abuse. Cut the enabler out of your life, OP, it’s the least she deserves.

It's easy to judge now. I always thought even as a kid, just leave, but some people can't due to life circumstances. It is easier said than done.
Maybe at the time, she had nowhere to go or lacked belief and confidence or self-worth. Who knows.
The person to blame is your dad. The situation has hopefully made you stringer to never accept the same.

*stronger

@NowEvenBetter

Absolutely justified and deserved to have contempt and anger at the parent who facilitated abuse. Anyone feeling sympathy for the enabler has the privilege of not having suffered child abuse. The child had no choice in the abuse, the enabler chose not to leave. If it makes you reading this think that maybe one day your kid will think this about you, change. Get therapy for your kid, no excuse for allowing child abuse. Cut the enabler out of your life, OP, it’s the least she deserves.

Your views about the non abusive parent are incredibly naive and judgmental

Do you have any idea of what it is like to be in that situation? I do and let me tell you the fear of what will happen to your children when you’re not there having being brave and done the right thing is as horrific as staying

Maybe there were issues your mother had when she was a powerless child that shaped her and her relationship with your dad.
You are an adult like she was when you were a child and maybe you should be shaping a future not feeling so furious.
At some time we have to accept how we were brought up and accept it. It doesn't have to define everything we are.

Your current relationship with your Mum sounds very draining. If she just uses you as a sounding board while changing nothing and doesn't offer you any support or interest, that needs to change. You can't fix things for her so focus on yourself. Can you tell her how you feel about the current situation and would she listen? If you focus on the past more she is likely to get defensive.
Regarding your childhood, it's much more complicated.
Stop to consider how things would have been had she left. You would most likely have had unsupervised contact with your father.
You may think he wouldn't have bothered but he probably would to punish her as much as anything else.
You could have been used as an emotional pawn and manipulated and alienated. Your parent's toxic relationship would have continued in a different form and new partners may have been added to the mix.
Practical housing and financial issues too.
I am not trying to downplay how difficult your actual situation was but just trying to illustrate that action by your mother may very well not have magically improved things.
I don't think she is "just as bad" as your Dad because he had the power to change things completely for the better by changing his behaviour.
In any case I don't think establishing who is most to blame will help you move forward.
A good therapist may help.
Having this thread moved to relationships may get you some more uniform answers which will stoke your anger at your mother but it's not that straightforward.

@ClareBlue

Sometimes it takes a lot of work, time and therapy to accept it. Growing up in an abusive environment leaves a lasting impact on our lives as adults. You can't just flick a switch and be over it.

It is possible to have empathy for the enabler if they had a hard upbringing themselves (though that's not always the case). It is equally possible to recognise that they had major failings as a parent, and to acknowledge the very serious consequences of those failings.

Absolutely agree. But at some stage we have to accept that how we were brought up can not be changed and some parents are basically not up to the job. If this has damaged us to an extent we need help, then that is where we should go.
It is shit if you are one of the ones that had abusive families, but you can not actually change that.
But the OP is still being manipulated by her mother. As an adult you absolutely do not have to accept that and you have to ask why you do.
The longing for a good upbringing when it wasn't there causes many issues as does trying to understand a bad upbringing.
Both are defining your adult life.
But now you are not powerless, you can deal with it through whatever mechanism is appropriate. To not, is enabling your trauma as much as the non abusive parent enabled it.

The dynamics and nature of abusive relationships is often precisely why women feel they can’t leave the perpetrator.
It’s not simply a case of recognising abuse and making a decision to leave.
These women are gaslighted, suffer from ptsd and brain fog and don’t trust their own judgement. It gets to the point you are so worn down you can’t think straight. It’s not easy to “just leave.”
The perpetrator may threaten to fight for complete custody of the children. There are many complex reasons women don’t leave.
I’m sorry you had to endure this while growing up but I think you should be more sympathetic and understanding towards your mum and educate yourself on the cycle of abuse.

Your dad is the abuser, not your mum. Blame him.

Have you contacted Women’s Aid ?

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones and if it was sexual abuse, would it have been ok for the OPs mum to have done nothing, because leaving was hard and stuff?

Sometimes leaving is hard but the job of a parent is to keep their child from harm. Even if its difficult. Not just to stand by wringing their hands whilst their child is harmed.

Your father is absolutely responsible for his own actions, but your mother is also reasonable for failing to protect you.

I had a similar childhood with my mother and stepfather. She stood back and let him abuse me. As loathsome as I find him for what he did, my mother absolutely betrayed me by allowing it to happen and I do hold her responsible for that. I’m no longer consumed by anger towards either of them, but then I chose to go NC a few years ago.

When you bring a child into the world you are that child’s protector, and you take on the responsibility for keeping that child safe. OP, your mother may have felt like she had little in the way of options, but as a child, you had even less. I get it, completely.

@ThePriceIsNotRight I’m sorry for what you went through.

And I think your summary is bang on:

“OP, your mother may have felt like she had little in the way of options, but as a child, you had even less”

[quote Porcupineintherough]**@DebbieHarrysCheekbones* and if it was sexual abuse, would it have been ok for the OPs* mum to have done nothing, because leaving was hard and stuff?

Sometimes leaving is hard but the job of a parent is to keep their child from harm. Even if its difficult. Not just to stand by wringing their hands whilst their child is harmed.[/quote]
This is the thing. Where is the line drawn.

I told this recently on another thread. My friends relative sexually abused all of the children from her generation and after his funeral it became obvious that he had done the same to her parent's generation. My friend was bringing her Mum to his grave recently and afterwards the Mum and her siblings were all sitting around chatting about what a great guy this monster was.

Denial as a defense mechanism is not benign it can come at a huge price to children. Enabling abuse of your own children is something we have to face up to as being wrong no matter the circumstances. We can feel empathy for people and their past experiences while condemning their damaging behaviours. It is not one or the other.

I adore my MIL who is still in an abusive relationship with FIL but her behaviour particularly towards my SIL is extremely damaging and I genuinely don’t like her doing it.

@Squeezyhug Hmm. I’m not saying it would have been easy peasy. She was in a very tough position that she never asked to be in. But she talks as if she were my peer in that situation when that’s simply not true. I know there are complex factors at play in abusive relationships, but I also know the specifics of this one, and unfortunately far too much importance was placed on presenting an image to the world, with no shits given for the children who felt like they were living in a nightmare. No nightmare could be as scary as some of the things I went through in fact.
I have not contacted them, as I don’t see what they could do unless she chooses to leave for herself.

I’m similarly conflicted about my DM. I’ve accepted that she didn’t know that my F was sexually abusing my DSis and me. (My DSis is less prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt.) But the reason she didn’t know is that she simply wasn’t there for us when we were growing up. She was distant from us emotionally, probably due to no fault of her own, but because she herself was badly damaged by having been orphaned at 10 and sexually abused by the uncle who became her guardian.

My F died 23 years ago, so it really is just about my relationship with my DM, and her relationship with my DDs (12 and 9). It isn’t just about the past.

There’s also my DB, who also suffered sexual abuse as a child (though not by my F), but he was groomed into joining in with abusing us. He claims no memory of this, and he is badly damaged as an adult. My DM has always guilt tripped me by telling me how lonely he is, but I’ve kept him away from my DDs and very much at arm’s length myself for the sake of my own mental health, which isn’t that strong. I have PTSD and I’m on anti-depressants, as well as having Long Covid now.

She’s very good at manipulating us so that she’s the one who has reason to be upset. I know that it was a massive shock to her when we told her about the CSA (again assuming that she’s telling the truth), but she has this way of bursting into tears whenever the subject comes up and asks us ‘not to ruin her time with her DGDs’ by talking about it.

She’s also very controlling in everyday life, particularly around my DDs. She used to attempt to take over the parenting role, but I have because more assertive in recent times, so this doesn’t happen so much.

I’m realising that, at 82 now, she isn’t likely to change much. So I’ve reduced contact with her, both because of the past, as it’s triggering being around her sometimes, but also because of the way she is generally.

Your anger is understandable, OP as your Mum should have put you first, although obviously she was in a difficult place herself. But it doesn’t sound as if she’s even acknowledging the role she played in failing to protect you when you were a child.

But she talks as if she were my peer in that situation when that’s simply not true

That sounds familiar; does she ever say the two of you are more like sisters than mother and daughter? Its common with a parent that doesn't want to take any responsibility, and expected you to grow up too fast. Did you end up playing the role of parent towards your sibling; were you ever expected to look after your parents feelings?

far too much importance was placed on presenting an image to the world
This also sounds familiar, and its part of an unhealthy family dynamic, often involving a narcissist.

I suspect the co-dependent enabler + abuser relationship that seems to be so common is sometimes actually a narcissist + abuser.
Narcs love to present themselves as the victim, it might be why they find that type of relationship so rewarding.

Like so many on here, my mother decided that her marriage and my father was more important to her than her the childhood of her 3 children. She willingly sacrificed our happiness to put him (and herself) first.

My mother tried to have it both ways - look like the perfect Catholic mother to her family and friends, while behind the scenes she took zero interest in our lives. That got easier when I was 9 and my father started being posted abroad (not army). We followed him to some pretty awful places for 6 years, and then he got posted where spouses and children were not permitted to follow. My mother was so fucking angry about that, and took her anger out on us...her anger was because my father was serially unfaithful to her for most of their marriage and she knew the minute she wasn't there it would happen again (she was right).

My father had never wanted children in the first place. My mother came from a very wealthy family who would have willingly helped her if they had split (and in fact had previously helped my parents financially from when I was born), My father, knowing this, once tried to abandon us on the other side of the world when I was 12. Plan only got scuppered at the last moment. Knowing this, my mother STILL stayed with him for another 9 years, when he finally left her for OW.

She doesn't want forgiveness, she has zero self awareness and is never in the wrong (in her own head) so it's up to me to take back that control.

This, along with the never-ending martyrdom, is my mother to a T. I'm angry at both my parents, they were fucking shit. I've dealt with it by living on the other side of the world from my mother, being NC with my father for 32 years and not having children of my own.

I am with you OP. I had a bloody awful upbringing with lots of abuse and violence. My mother watched it all and did nothing, even eating her dinner when I was being punched and kicked beside her. Mother’s are adults and if they protect themselves at the expense of their children then they are equally guilty.

I have nothing to do with either of my parents btw. Let them stew in their own shit.

Why have you come here to ask? You've clearly already decided your mother acted selfishly sp why bother? Relationships are complicated. Im not saying she was right or wrong, but until you talk to her about it you won't know why she stayed and if it was selfishness or if it was because she felt it was the only way.