To think my enabling mother is just as bad

[BanksysGhostPainter]

I spent my whole life growing up in a dysfunctional household, think lashings of coercive control, verbal abuse and terror, and it all came from my father.

Fast forward to now: I am looking back through my adult eyes and I am appalled at how ineffectual, selfish and cowardly my mother was for letting us stay in that situation. I am FURIOUS, both with her, and with myself for only just realising this. I am sure many people might be able to relate. I just can’t get over this.

BTW she is still with him, is an emotional millstone round my neck, jealous of the fact I am out of that situation, burdens me with every woe, is always the victim, etc.

AIBU to view her this way?

[quote BanksysGhostPainter]@AcrossthePond55 Some thought provoking points. I think I agree. It’s still quite recent in the grand scheme of things that these feelings have erupted in me. But a bit further down the line you’re right. I need to live my life and as soon as I find a way to stop seething, I will.[/quote]
It's hard and painful work with a good counselor to 'put it where it belongs'. Took me close to 2 years and I wasn't dealing with a lifetime of it, like you are. So be patient with yourself, but do the 'hard work' needed as you are able. It's pretty damned liberating when you realize that the resentment is, if not always completely gone, at least put way out of sight.

@ScurrilousSquirrel Are you me????

This is exactly what has played out. My anger towards my father no longer eclipses everything else, because he has no power. Not a leg to stand on. But my mother is insidious and uses me just like that.

I get it op. My dad is an alcoholic and was abusive when drunk. She stayed to protect us kids, when in fact it did far more harm and frankly was just an excuse as she's co-dependant and still living there now we are all adults.

Your mum is a victim also but she had a responsibility first to you and any siblings.

I have little relationship with her and I'm very angry with her. I've had therapy which helps.

@Practicebeingpatient Thanks for sharing that therapy has been successful. No one in real life talks about it so it’s hard to gauge if anyone has benefitted.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy It’s not nice to think of yourself as a child just trapped is it.

It’s weird, I don’t think I’ve ever been angry like this before. It’s alien to me. But it feels every so slightly good. Like I’m standing up for myself. Like I matter.

[quote BanksysGhostPainter]@PlanDeRaccordement she used to threaten us with his anger to do what she wanted! Not even big stuff, just stuff to make her life easier.[/quote]
Awful OP. You have every right to be angry with your mother. You know what she did compared to what she should have done better than anyone on here.

@Teeturtle
No not all women.

@BanksysGhostPainter

She was and is a victim of it. But that’s not my fault. And she bears responsibility that I don’t because I was a child and therefore powerless.

He bears the responsibility.

[quote BanksysGhostPainter]@PlanDeRaccordement I just read the second half. That is just…there are no words. I believe in hell, it’s all that I can do when confronted with things like this.[/quote]
Me too. It was a shocking case and that young woman’s story has stayed with me for life. It opened my eyes to the fact that there is no instinct that makes mothers protect their children. Mothers can be just as evil.

OP, you have every right to feel that your mother failed you, she did.

Please do not feel any guilt for having these feelings towards her as they are, very much, justified.

She wasn't there to protct you and she should have been.

Not all mothers are cut out to be so. I'm sorry you experienced this. It's shit.

I do thing it can be more complex than it seems even though leaving to protect my child should be the easiest decision in the world.

It's no wonder you feel angry, as you say, you had no choice, and it sounds like she's still trying to control you emotionally and stuff.

Someone in one of the groups I go to is going through similar from the perspective of the mum. She has a husband who screams in their sons face, we saw it once and one of us reported it to SS who weren't arsed. But she has said many things over the 4 years that have been downright disturbing; flitting from he's too unpredictable and dangerous to be left alone wifh him, he has been punching walls etc in front of our son and it scares him, hes admitted he can't control his rage etc. Of course we reported these also, again, nothing was done. We offered everything- from accommodation, money to help out if that was the worry, but no, she's still there. We have reported and sent as much evidence as we can, but no one is bothered about doing anything, so that poor child is in a house with a spineless mother and a volatile and angry man.

It's very unfair and pretty misogynistic to say that she's 'just as bad'.

She's a victim too, she didn't start it. Blame your father for being an abusive arsehole instead.

Op I was very, very angry with my dm for staying with my stepfather for many years. My life was made a misery as was hers. There are some things that hurt so much even now, I am the oldest out of 6 and the only step child. He was a paranoid schizophrenic and a narcissistic cunt. He mentally, physically, financially and sexually abused my mother. He mentally and emotionally abused me, and my mother was too terrified to protect me.

I decided a long time ago that there is fuck all I can change. And although I have a good relationship with dm, it's an arms length one. I nod and smile if she mentions any of it.

@Evelyn52 He bears responsibility for abusing us. She bears responsibility for letting him. Quite simple.

@TheKeatingFive
OP knows her mother better than you do. You can’t say she was a victim too based on assumptions alone.

[quote BanksysGhostPainter]@Practicebeingpatient Thanks for sharing that therapy has been successful. No one in real life talks about it so it’s hard to gauge if anyone has benefitted.[/quote]
Lol! I am a retired psychotherapist so weekly therapy was a compulsory part of training and then recommended as part of ethical practice so I went for years. I reckon it took a good 3 years before I was really able to access my fury and grief over the way we were treated. Expressing it and understanding it were very cathartic.

OP knows her mother better than you do. You can’t say she was a victim too based on assumptions alone.

From what she's said it's obvious.

It's interesting how quick people are to blame women for men's awful behaviour though. I see it a huge amount on here.

@TheKeatingFive But I do blame him. It’s not either or, it’s both.

I’ll have to ponder the accusation of misogyny, as it has surprised me, but all viewpoints appreciated nonetheless.

@BanksysGhostPainter I learnt about "dysfunctional triangulation" in therapy, and it was like a light being shone on everything that went on in my home. As soon as I stepped out of my role in the triangle, my life became so much happier. It was terrifying though.

One of the things I worked on in therapy was changing my relationship with her. I couldn't change her, but I could reframe things in my head. She doesn't want forgiveness, she has zero self awareness and is never in the wrong (in her own head) so it's up to me to take back that control.

In almost a year of weekly therapy, I only cried twice, and one of those was just before mother's day. I cried because I never had a mother in the nurturing sense of the word.

So I changed the narrative. I filtered calls from her. I would make an excuse to get off the phone when she started conversations that made me uncomfortable. (She wants a close mother-daughter bond that will never exist) I would visit her at home so I could leave when I wanted. I would no longer offer help, but wait to be asked, and not feel guilty if I had to say no. I did all of this without involving her in the discussion, because if she knew it was happening, she'd throw a strop and I'd be made to suffer.

And it's much more peaceful. She's more like a neighbour that I occasionally help, out of a sense of community. I've taken most of the emotion out of it. And she has no idea what's happened, so she can't fight with me about it!

@TheKeatingFive

OP knows her mother better than you do. You can’t say she was a victim too based on assumptions alone.

From what she's said it's obvious.

It's interesting how quick people are to blame women for men's awful behaviour though. I see it a huge amount on here.

OP hasn't blamed her mother for his actions, but for her actions in not removing her from this abusive and toxic childhood home.

@TheKeatingFive I don’t blame her for his behaviour. I blame her for not taking responsibility for our safety and well-being.

I used to resent the way my mum cowered and excused my dad.

Having learned about coercive control and emotional abuse, I now realised that my mum lived in total fear and felt that everything that went wrong was her fault entirely.

It is so very scary how someone can fall under the spell of a vile manipulator.

But I do blame him. It’s not either or, it’s both.

You said she was 'just as bad'. I think that's incredibly unfair.

[quote BanksysGhostPainter]@MNHQ please may I ask this thread to be moved to relationships? Ta x[/quote]
No problem! x