To think my enabling mother is just as bad

[BanksysGhostPainter]

I spent my whole life growing up in a dysfunctional household, think lashings of coercive control, verbal abuse and terror, and it all came from my father.

Fast forward to now: I am looking back through my adult eyes and I am appalled at how ineffectual, selfish and cowardly my mother was for letting us stay in that situation. I am FURIOUS, both with her, and with myself for only just realising this. I am sure many people might be able to relate. I just can’t get over this.

BTW she is still with him, is an emotional millstone round my neck, jealous of the fact I am out of that situation, burdens me with every woe, is always the victim, etc.

AIBU to view her this way?

@MalbecandToast Speaking for myself, I've tried to get my mother to discuss why she stayed on numerous occasions in the last 30 years - she either refuses point blank to discuss it, blames it all on my father, or turns it around and gets very nasty, to the point of blaming me for my father having an affair and leaving her for OW.

You cannot have a discussion with someone who refuses to engage. My mother will now literally ignore any questions I try and ask her about my childhood.

I understand and can empathize OP. My father was horrendous too: He beat my mother almost to death, so she ran away leaving me behind. She didn't even say goodbye. Then I had to watch him beating his mother, my grandmother, who we lived with. Of course, he would beat me too, until I peed. I remember my grandmother telling me how I have to forgive him, because he is my father and that is what God wants me to do. She also told me I shouldn't cry for my mother because she obviously didn't love me, if she had she wpuld have stayed, like my grandmother did when her husband beat her. Several years later, when I saw my mother again, she showed me pictures of her getting remarried, with two flower girls my age, when I hadn't even know she was getting married. She had gotten custody during divorce but didn't want to create drama by fighting my father to hand me over, so just left me with him.

By the time I was an adult and went to therapy I was mostly numb from it all and wanted to know if this was normal. Oh the feelings that came up during therapy, the fury, pain, despair and, yes, even hate, for my father, my mother, my grandmother and everyone else who knew and left me in that situation.

However, I know now that it is normal to feel this way, it is okay and part of the process (hah, how I hated hearing my psychiatrist say this to me). She told me that people have to go through and feel all the emotions in order to release pain and let it go. It is part of healing and everyone does this in ther own way. So don't let anyone shame you for your feelings OP. Feel whatever you want, if you would like to, if and when it comes up. I wish you well in your journey and hope you take care of yourself.

Sorry you experienced that, Rheia, and I'm glad you found a way to heal.

I understand why you feel as you feel, Op.

Most parents inistinctly want to protect their children above all else. We'd throw ourselves under a bus to save our children, without a second's thought. Our children's wellbeing is much more important than our own.

So I completely understand why you are angry at your mum for not protecting you.

But we know it's really really hard to remove yourself from an abusive relationship - harder for some than others dependent on what external support they have - although from the outside we can't imagine why someone wouldn't do that if they could see it was damaging their children.

Your mother was - and is - a victim of domestic abuse. As were you. You were powerless but your mother could have removed you from it, and she didn't.

I think perhaps you would feel more understanding if your mother wasn't being so demanding now, and almost punishing you for getting away. You've tried to help, to talk to her, and it won't change anything. Worse, that when you were still living with your parents, she used your father's anger to keep you in line.

It's possible that if your current relationship with your mum was more positive, you might not feel such anger towards her not removing you, but it's like she's continuing the abuse in her own way.

You are absolutely right @BanksysGhostPainter

I could have written what you wrote btw, identify with it 100%.

It is actually good to feel the anger, and one day when the anger's done with, you can make peace with the past, but the anger is an important step. My therapist is OUTRAGED at my mum, who was like yours, not even angry lol but outraged, cos she WAS the adult. I wish I could feel as much outrage as him, then will I perhaps feel i'm coming out of the guilt and shame cos it WASN'T my fault, but I sure as hell thought it was! Ugh! Put the blame back where it belongs, on THEM, the adults! They are the ones making the choices. Other women in similar situations got out and protected their children, my mum didn't. I'm starting to understand there are a lot of covert narcissist traits, and even borderline or masochistic personality disorder traits, going on behind the "victim" mentality. Peace be with you, you are not alone. So many of us in the same boat. But we can choose our heaven on this earth, even if we started off in hell. Our meaning of "heaven" is here for the taking, don't let our past hold us back.

Your situation is exactly mine as well. I know every feeling and emotion you described and i experienced every trauma you mentioned, therefore being in the same place as you - not realising when it was happening but realising later in life that my Mother was just as bad as my Father by enabing his abuse. Only diference is that my parents seperated about 2 years after i left home. My Mother couldnt handle me not being there to take his abuse. He had never actually abused her, only me; and now she was beginning to cop it because i wasnt there. She left him and moved in with me and at this stage i still did not realise she had enabled his abuse of me. That realisation actually happened only last year and Like you, i too am angry with myself for not realising this sooner as well as angry at her for allowing shit to happen to me. How someone can abuse their own child is beyond me but even moreso - how can someone stand by and see their child being abused and do nothing? It is very hard to have a relationship with her now. I cut my Father off a few years ago and i am now contemplating cutting off my Mother too. She wasnt a victim of his abuse, i was; and somehow she was ok with that. Then when she left him and lived with me she did nothing but list all the horrible traits my Father has. I wish i hadnt given her my time and listened when she talked about her feelings. I wish i had of encouraged her to go back to him, convinced her that it will all work out; and make her live through what i had to. Bitch. Not you, Her.