To think my enabling mother is just as bad

[BanksysGhostPainter]

I spent my whole life growing up in a dysfunctional household, think lashings of coercive control, verbal abuse and terror, and it all came from my father.

Fast forward to now: I am looking back through my adult eyes and I am appalled at how ineffectual, selfish and cowardly my mother was for letting us stay in that situation. I am FURIOUS, both with her, and with myself for only just realising this. I am sure many people might be able to relate. I just can’t get over this.

BTW she is still with him, is an emotional millstone round my neck, jealous of the fact I am out of that situation, burdens me with every woe, is always the victim, etc.

AIBU to view her this way?

@Wisteriac43

Could she have stayed to actually protect you?

My Mum stayed as she couldn't stand the thought of our Dad having access to us without her there. She did a LOT to try and keep him as calm/ happy as possible. This was obviously at huge personal expense. I do emotionally support her, but I view being able to give back a privilege for everything she did to try and reduce the abuse on us.

Having friends who have left abusive husbands. It is horrible for the children having to go to their Dads who basically take it out on the kids as a way to get back at the Mum.

I felt like this only in the recent past. But now? I see it’s a bunch of excuses she tells herself to defend being such a coward.

I feel a lot of anger towards both of my parents. It might be she is controlled by it it might be she enables it herself. But that's not up to you. She's her own person and was one of the adults who you should have been a priority to. She has, for whatever reason, fallen short of her parenting responsibilities and it's you having to deal with that emotionally. Don't feel guilty for choosing your own mental health, space and safety. You deserve it.

@Lampsade

Are you furious with your father too?

It’s like it’s fizzled out because it burned and burned like a cursed fire for DECADES. And because I have figured out that his power was an illusion.

Yanbu! She made you a victim when she failed to remove you from that situation. I wouldn't have any contact personally.

“she stayed and enabled him for so long - while that was true she was also a victim of his awful behaviour.

While both of those things are true it is also true that in part she stayed because she (weirdly) got something out of it. She got to be the martyr and hold moral high ground.
Your mother is no doubt similar“

Yes!!! She identifies as the essence of martyrdom.

I felt like this only in the recent past. But now? I see it’s a bunch of excuses she tells herself to defend being such a coward.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like this. I know my Mum couldn't have left us with my Dad 50% of the time. He would have ruined our lives to spite her.

I've seen friends work themselves to the bone trying to make their homes perfect to put the dads in a better mood for the sake of the children. One friends husband told her it should be like a posh hotel. I'm pretty sure he had affairs too and I suspect he hurt her. Who puts up with that, unless leaving is worse?

@Wisteriac43

I felt like this only in the recent past. But now? I see it’s a bunch of excuses she tells herself to defend being such a coward.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like this. I know my Mum couldn't have left us with my Dad 50% of the time. He would have ruined our lives to spite her.

I've seen friends work themselves to the bone trying to make their homes perfect to put the dads in a better mood for the sake of the children. One friends husband told her it should be like a posh hotel. I'm pretty sure he had affairs too and I suspect he hurt her. Who puts up with that, unless leaving is worse?

I think I can understand more in cases where they would have feared 50/50 access. But in my personal circumstances, that would not have happened. Relevant to many though I’m sure, and an important point.

And because I have figured out that his power was an illusion.

And because you're now blaming your mum, a victim of abuse, for all that your father did.

YANBU.

Something to think about is whether you want to maintain a relationship with your mother or not. It does not sound as if she will change now, or leave your father. Think about that and whether you feel you still want to have contact.

You need to think about protecting yourself, your mental health and your boundaries. You can't change her, but what you can do is control and change how you react and respond. If you want to maintain the relationship then make sure it is on your terms and that you have boundaries in place to protect yourself.

dysfunctional background here too.

it's good to explore your feelings here/elsewhere away from her and unpick them a bit. There is clearly stuff going on both about how she behaves now and about how she behaved then. If the two are entangled then it's hard to see how you and she can help each other :(.

@authenticforgery

Yanbu! She made you a victim when she failed to remove you from that situation. I wouldn't have any contact personally.

It’s so weird, going NC with my father would be the easiest thing in the world. I’m almost there anyway, and he won’t come chasing after me. But if it were my mother, she wouldn’t let it go easily. Would be all to easy to lay on the guilt. I also suspect that if she had to choose between me or him, she’d stay.

It’s like it’s fizzled out because it burned and burned like a cursed fire for DECADES. And because I have figured out that his power was an illusion.

So you're no longer angry at the violent man who treated you like shit, but your mother who was likely a victim of abuse too? Perhaps volunteer in an organisation for women who encounter domestic violence so the complexities are more obvious. Of course the ideal is to leave the man abusing your child, but not everyone who doesn't is weak, cowardly or selfish.

@CorrBlimeyGG

And because I have figured out that his power was an illusion.

And because you're now blaming your mum, a victim of abuse, for all that your father did.

I am simply holding her to account for her responsibility as a parent.

I don’t view him as a parent, more like a dictator.

I know it’s not the done thing to say “just leave” and recognise it is complex, but the fact of the matter is that she, unlike me, could have left.

It's really hard, isn't it. I have almost the same situation, except that it was my mother who was abusive. We all adored my father, and apparently it is quite common for the children to revere the non-abusive parent. But as an adult I find it hard to understand how he didn't intervene or help. Sorry you are going through this.

@BackBackBack

YANBU.

Something to think about is whether you want to maintain a relationship with your mother or not. It does not sound as if she will change now, or leave your father. Think about that and whether you feel you still want to have contact.

You need to think about protecting yourself, your mental health and your boundaries. You can't change her, but what you can do is control and change how you react and respond. If you want to maintain the relationship then make sure it is on your terms and that you have boundaries in place to protect yourself.

Thankyou for your reply. It is good advice and the direction I am already going in. I’m so desperately, bitterly sorry for my mother, but at the same time a line needs to be drawn.

Fast forward to now: I am looking back through my adult eyes and I am appalled at how ineffectual, selfish and cowardly my mother was for letting us stay in that situation. I am FURIOUS, both with her, and with myself for only just realising this. I am sure many people might be able to relate. I just can’t get over this.

Good lord. You have a long way to go in understanding relationships.

YANBU to feel anger about the situation but YABU to think that it's easy to walk away from. Have you talked to her about it? What does she say about her part in it?

In terms of the here and now you are in control. So YABU for allowing her to have a negative impact your life now. Just walk away from her, decide how you want your life to be and facilitate that. You are now the adult, the control is now all yours and it's purely your decision on who to have in your life or not.

@liliainterfrutices

It's really hard, isn't it. I have almost the same situation, except that it was my mother who was abusive. We all adored my father, and apparently it is quite common for the children to revere the non-abusive parent. But as an adult I find it hard to understand how he didn't intervene or help. Sorry you are going through this.

Interesting. Yes. That reverence was so fervent for so long. But it’s like I’ve seen backstage and it’s changed everything.

I don't think OP is being unfair to her mother for being angry at her.

Yes, her mother was and still is a victim of domestic abuse. But OP was also a victim of that abuse and was failed by both of her parents - her father for abusing her, and her mother for not removing her from the situation. Why shouldn't she be angry at her mother? Her mother being a victim does not make her blameless for seeing the same thing happen to her daughter and doing nothing about it.

Interrsting...

Have you ever properly sat her down and laid it all out?
If not would you consider it?

(Not for her, but for you to try and get some resolution)

@Lampsade

It’s like it’s fizzled out because it burned and burned like a cursed fire for DECADES. And because I have figured out that his power was an illusion.

So you're no longer angry at the violent man who treated you like shit, but your mother who was likely a victim of abuse too? Perhaps volunteer in an organisation for women who encounter domestic violence so the complexities are more obvious. Of course the ideal is to leave the man abusing your child, but not everyone who doesn't is weak, cowardly or selfish.

I am still angry, but that particular anger took up so much space in my head that there was no room to see things from another perspective. Things have changed looking at it more analytically. My feelings are a shock to me. I wasn’t expecting this.

I am aggrieved at what my mother has gone through/is still going through. Deeply and sincerely. It is my dearest wish that I could end this for her.

People who don’t leave are many things, I am sure. I know that there is courage and strength in getting through the next minutes, hours and days. And of course people in this situation are not a monolith. But I just needed her to be extra strong, extra brave and extra selfless that one time, to get us out. And she didn’t.

I would ask this thread to be moved to Relationships - it’s tough OP no doubt about it

I blame my mother, for enabling and facilitating my father.

It was an era in which divorce was less common and I also understand about coercive control.

But ultimately I believe that if it's a choice between your children's wellbeing and that of your partner. you have to do what is right for the children.

She chose my father.

@JennieLee

I blame my mother, for enabling and facilitating my father.

It was an era in which divorce was less common and I also understand about coercive control.

But ultimately I believe that if it's a choice between your children's wellbeing and that of your partner. you have to do what is right for the children.

She chose my father.

This.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

Interrsting...

Have you ever properly sat her down and laid it all out?
If not would you consider it?

(Not for her, but for you to try and get some resolution)

She admits that she should have left, that she feels guilt for what we were put through, that she was foolish for believing his lies, and that there was a significant element of “what will people think?”

I am not heartless, just scarred.

@Comtesse

Thanks. Yes I don’t mind where the thread goes.