Concerns about living together

[yorkie6]

I currently have my own house and my boyfriend lives with his parents. We're both late twenties. I have a 5 year old daughter.

We've been together for nearly 3 years and are talking about moving in together but I've got a few worries.

My boyfriend pays his mum rent but doesn't help her with housework or cooking. When he's at my house he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

He comes over to mine regularly and I don't expect him to do things like housework but it worries me that he doesn't even clean up after himself or help me with simple things. If we move in together I don't want him to not pull his weight.

I brought up the subject of housework and cooking if we lived together and he said he would do his share but going on everything I've seen so far I'm not sure I believe him. He's cooked for me once in the whole time we've been together. Am I just overreacting here? Is this not something to worry about?!

Why would you want to live with him? What’s he going to bring to your life which makes it better and easier? A boyfriend who makes toast and leaves the crumbs and doesn’t help to clear plates away after dinner, isn't going to suddenly take on a fair share of chores once he’s living with you. He’ll be claiming that his share is having done the bare minimum because he “can’t see mess” or “you didn’t ask” him to pick up his dirty socks from the floor.

Stay living separately. Better yet, get separate for good and find a better boyfriend.

Have a pre cohabitation scenario..
Ask him what chores he would see himself doing..
Ask him what are his expectations of you.
Finances are vital to be discussed especially as you have a dc...

If he’s like this now he will not be any better when you move in together.

If you let him move in with you, realise that you're going to be his new mum. He sounds like a lazy manchild. And I certainly hope that with him coming over regularly and you cooking for him, that he pays his way.
A PP is correct, you need a better boyfriend.

I do not think he will suddenly change just because he moves in with you. I would guess his mother does everything for him which is why he does not clean up the crumbs etc.. How old is he?

My boyfriend pays his mum rent but doesn't help her with housework or cooking. When he's at my house he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

I stopped reading here. DO NOT stay with this man child, never mind live with the useless twat. You will regret it forever if you carry on with him. At his age, he should have learned to be an actual adult years ago. He's lazy by design, and that's never going to change. You will be his skivvy.

Don’t move in with him unless you want to be his mum- he’s not going to suddenly become good at housework. He clearly thinks it’s a woman’s job to clear up after him; you don’t have to be that woman though

Don’t do it.

Paying some rent is the absolute minimum that can be done. Literally the very minimum.

You’re better than the minimum.

Could you do a one month trial period?

You are not overreacting at all. You have yourself and a child to look after and clean up after you don't want to add another person to that mix.

I would recommend doing a trial month before he officially moves in. See how that goes first.

Good luck!

So of he will do it when he moves in, why isn't he at least clearing up after himself now?

My boyfriend pays his mum rent but doesn't help her with housework or cooking

Wait, are you saying he’s a grown adult whose mum cooks all his meals for him and cleans his room? Does he manage his own laundry little poppet?

How do you find that in any way attractive, it’s just pathetic. It’s his choice to live like that. My partner never left home until we moved in together - but he can cook, clean etc without prompting or supervision. Just because he couldn’t afford a place of his own didn’t mean he never grew up.

I disagree about a trial anything.

You earn the right to a trial. He hasn’t. He hasn’t shown himself worthy and you know it deep down. You’re here for a reason.

Please. The trial to win access to you and your space starts from the moment he said hello.
He has t even earned the one month. Which isn’t feasible anyway. Nobody survives something like that if it’s him having to move out.

Don’t do it. Everyone can come after me… but it’s not a smart plan.

Another vote for a trial period. & perhaps write a long list of all household chores and admin and ask him to highlight the half that he wants to be responsible for. That'd show him how much needs doing (he probably has no idea) and also that you're serious about him doing his fair share.

No, no, no. Don’t do it.

I’d like to know how trial periods work for people.

In fact, I’d like to hear how failed trial periods have worked?

Gonna say that you need to earn the trial period. It shouldn’t be a thing when you’re unsure if they a man will step up as an adult.

We all have our own takes. But I’m seriously wondering how these trial periods have worked out in this situation, especially when the trial period didn’t go well?

I think the division of chores depends on your set up. Do you work full time, does he? If you work much less hours then you should be doing more household stuff although he should be mucking in. Have you discussed financial matters? What he'll be contributing?
Are you looking to eventually marry and share finances? Is he a higher earner? Is he also prepared to step into a father role for your dd? What's their relationship like? That's just as an important consideration.

I think if you want to take this relationship forward you should take the plunge and move in together. Protect yourself by not putting him on the tenancy or mortgage. If it doesn't work then he can go back to his mum's.

Draw up a rota if necessary and agree everything in advance.

Lots of men in their twenties living at home have a household run by their mum. My eldest son has just turned twenty, lives at home and I do the bulk of housework, most cooking and laundry. He works full time, contributes to bills and I don't and its just easier all round. This doesn't mean he will refuse to adult up when he moves out.

The fact that you have even posted this question tells you everything you need to know.

@LoveComesQuickly

Could you do a one month trial period?

Fuck no.

OP has already seen all she needs to see about how it will be.

Have you ever been on holiday together? How was he then? If you haven’t, could you do a self catering holiday instead of a trial in your home? See how he reacts to a shared space that needs cleaning?

He sounds like a pathetic man child sorry.

What are his redeeming qualities?

No!!!
The trial has already happened as he has been lazy and didn't offer to help as you changed bins & cooked but he didn't help clear.

He needs to have lived independently. You'll end up sorting all the admin too. You'll be acquiring another toddler.

For contrast, when my DP is here, he leaves things cleaner than they were before he arrives, and randomly fixes things when he notices they need doing. I suspect he’s much more worried about living with me in the future than I am about living with him!

Raise your expectations. (You know this, really, don’t you? Or you wouldn’t be asking)

SmileyClare what does your son do to contribute physically at home? His own laundry, cooks sometimes, puts the bins out, does the washing up/clearing after meals?