Concerns about living together

[yorkie6]

I currently have my own house and my boyfriend lives with his parents. We're both late twenties. I have a 5 year old daughter.

We've been together for nearly 3 years and are talking about moving in together but I've got a few worries.

My boyfriend pays his mum rent but doesn't help her with housework or cooking. When he's at my house he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

He comes over to mine regularly and I don't expect him to do things like housework but it worries me that he doesn't even clean up after himself or help me with simple things. If we move in together I don't want him to not pull his weight.

I brought up the subject of housework and cooking if we lived together and he said he would do his share but going on everything I've seen so far I'm not sure I believe him. He's cooked for me once in the whole time we've been together. Am I just overreacting here? Is this not something to worry about?!

Don't do it.I foolishly thought at age 19 moving out of a flat share and into a flat with my then fiancé who was exactly like your boyfriend with mummy doing everything for him would be okay;I thought surely he'll have to grow up and do his fair share of house related stuff like I did when I left home right?

Wrong!;how naive was I?;I'm 18 years down the line and he still does absolutely nothing to pull his weight around the house.It's been a huge bone of contention in our marriage.

As much as I hate to say it;men like your boyfriend and DH are this way because their parents haven't made them get off their backsides as teenagers and actually do chores or take responsibility for themselves;they haven't set the tone that women are not men's domestic slaves.

But also most importantly it's not teaching then how to independently look after themselves which is why you often see them move straight out of mummy's house and in with their partners who are expected to take over from mummy.These men stick out like sore thumbs on threads on here.

Ive put a lot of work into teaching my nearly 18 year son that he should never expect a woman to "take care" of him.I've taught him to cook,clean,do DIY,shopping and laundry.He's been doing his own laundry for the last 2 years.I'm hoping that one day he'll be splitting house related stuff fairly with a live in partner.

@yorkie6 you have the chance to avoid this situation.I didn't as I was already pregnant when I moved in with my now DH.Unless your boyfriend can prove he's actually capable of pulling his weight do not live with him.

I don't understand how a grown adult could look another grown adult, let alone someone they claim to care about, in the eye and essentially say "I don't want to clean up after my own piss etc in the bathroom, so you'll have to or we will live in filth."

The only thing that makes any sense to me is that it just doesn't occur to him that cleaning is anything to do with him. So far in his life, both at home and when visiting OP, cleaning is just something that happens almost by magic.

To be honest, I never did much at home if I could avoid it. Only once I got my own place that did not magically self clean did it really occur to me. Now I am a hit house proud and hate mess.

Not any kind of good sign that he might still be stuck in adolescent ignorance.

It’s embarrassing that you’re even considering moving this boyfriend into your property and your child’s home. For what? Why not just date him, no need to involve your kid, or clean up after the loser.

He has told you he's lazy. That won't change.

As for maybe thinking of it as your house so your responsibility, bollocks. It's basic manners to tidy up after yourself. Never mind watching you struggle with the bins.

How does he treat you outside of the home? Does he do things to make you feel special and wanted? Or does he take you for granted elsewhere also?

Please remember, you are your daughter's role model. Do not let her see you become a skivvy to some useless manchild.

[quote NeverRTFT]@youvegottenminuteslynn
You're right he didn't see it as his job, because he was brought up in a house where the men didn't do anything. Clean ironed clothes just magically appeared in his cupboard. So he had some growing up to do on that front.
However I also wasn't perfect. Most obvious issue was I couldn't effectively manage finances, again a product of my upbringing where my only strategy was to spend what you have now because you're used to being skint all the time. So I also had some growing up to do.
I see lots of threads about man-baby partners on Mn but I think really most relationships are like that in some way or other and everyone is a bit crap in their own way. It's about how you find a way through it that matters. [/quote]
I agree ...there has to be some give n take in relationships within reason. Nobody is perfect