Concerns about living together

[yorkie6]

I currently have my own house and my boyfriend lives with his parents. We're both late twenties. I have a 5 year old daughter.

We've been together for nearly 3 years and are talking about moving in together but I've got a few worries.

My boyfriend pays his mum rent but doesn't help her with housework or cooking. When he's at my house he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

He comes over to mine regularly and I don't expect him to do things like housework but it worries me that he doesn't even clean up after himself or help me with simple things. If we move in together I don't want him to not pull his weight.

I brought up the subject of housework and cooking if we lived together and he said he would do his share but going on everything I've seen so far I'm not sure I believe him. He's cooked for me once in the whole time we've been together. Am I just overreacting here? Is this not something to worry about?!

Yes be very worried.

Don't date men who've never lived independently.

Now you're in this situation say you want him to prove he's self reliant at home before you move in.

Make it clear you will never do his laundry. Put it in detail what you mean by fair share ie if you cook he does the dishes/ cleans the kitchen. Say what 'clean the kitchen' means.

Read Wifework.

@MamDancer

SmileyClare what does your son do to contribute physically at home? His own laundry, cooks sometimes, puts the bins out, does the washing up/clearing after meals?

Yes he does clear up after himself, I don't clean his room. He cuts the lawns, tidies up, puts out bins. He sorts out his own admin such as doctors, dentist appointments and will pick up shopping the family needs.

The fact is, I do a load of laundry everyday for the whole family, it would be daft not to include his washing. It actually would be really impractical for him to wash his own clothes when he came home from work as we don't have a tumble drier.

The same with cooking. I cook for the whole family including younger dc every night so the 20 year-old is included.

I suppose my point is that you can't expect a 20 year-old to be living completely independently if they're at home and with the cost of housing, most are at home if they want any chance of saving to get on the property ladder. They aren't suddenly treated like a lodger when they reach their 20's.

I think it's unrealistic and unfair to say "don't date men that haven't lived on their own".

There's never a guarantee a relationship will stand the test of moving in together. Housework isn't the only issue! People are scoffing about a trial period but that's how life works isn't it? You try, things work or fail. No need to label it The only way is to try.
He needs to shit or get off the pot basically if you want to move this forward.

That's my perspective as a mum of teens and a 20 year old at home.

Congratulations, you’ve just got yourself a new (lazy, spoilt brat) of a child. Do not let him move in with you. He’ll bring his laundry home to his mum if you don’t do it and she’ll complain about you not treating him right.

Don't move him in. He does not 'see work'.
The least he could do is clear up his own mess but he doesn't see it and never will

Absolutely hard no. Living at home past the age of about 25 was always a huge turn off for me, even more so when he sounds like a complete man child. The fact he won’t clean up AT ALL at your house now says it all. Do not let him move in.
@SmileyClare CAN your son cook/clean properly. If not don’t be surprised when people in a few years find it a turnoff that he’s still at home.

I wouldn’t do a trial period in your house. Anyone can fake it for a month. As someone said, rent a holiday let for a week, don’t tell him it’s a trial, and see how he behaves.

It's not rocket science to work out how to cook, clean and turn on a washing machine. I'm not sure it's as black and white as "has never never lived alone?" There are plenty of single men living in squalor, who think it's acceptable to change their bed sheets every six months.

I think the deciding factor is whether he's a lazy inconsiderate bastard that doesn't take responsibility for himself. You must know after three years what kind of person he is?

If he's a decent considerate person he will "step up". If he's inherently selfish he won't. This is doubly important when you have a child already.

If he is like this now, when he will be on his best behaviour I think likely to get worse
Maybe have him stay for a couple of weeks and see how it goes
I think he is likely to be hard work

he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

Why? Just why, would you ever entertain the notion of letting him move in with you?

In my sixties now, I wouldn't put up with this from any visitor never mind letting them move in.

The leaving crumbs everywhere is just such a selfish thing to do, never mind the rest. It shows that he doesn't consider cleaning up as anything to do with him.

The first time I noticed crumbs left, I would say 'umm, there are crumbs left here, please clean them up' and repeat every single time.

Yes, It would be tedious if he didn't start clearing them up. Yes, why should I be the one to clean up after him. And yes, I can't imagine wanting to be intimate with someone who acted so selfishly.

So from your post @SmileyClare he can’t? You are doing him absolutely no favours.
Several single men do live in squalor and several don’t but I’d run a mile from men who’s mum did everything for them as would an awful lot of women.

Please end this relationshop. Its only going to get worse. He cant even clean up his own crumbs!

It's difficult don't you think? Maybe I'm doing my son no favours by letting him live at home still? What's the solution then? Refuse to cook an evening meal for him? Or don't do his laundry even though I'm doing his siblings'? I could insist he cooks for everyone one night a week. He can cook. I mean it's not 5 star cuisine but I'm not a great cook either

He does pay rent and contribute to bills and I do expect him to clean up after himself and be considerate. I do worry but I think unless your dc go off to university, it's quite common these days for them to live at home until they want to move in with a girlfriend/partner.

@SmileyClare one of my siblings lived at home till they were 30 I’m not opposed to it but they had to cook at least two nights a week for my mum and they split cleaning 50:50.
I’m simply explaining that MOST women would be very put off by a man who lives at home who’s mum does all the house work/cleaning/cooking. As all the other answers on this thread also display.

You've been together for three years and he's cooked for you once???

Bin the lazy man-child, and NEVER let him move in. I wouldn't put up with him staying at mine and not pulling his weight with chores either.

Does he have a solid gold dick??

Surely the trial has been all the times he hasn't done anything in the op's house up till now. He's failed the trial in spectacular style and needs dumping.

He should live on his own first.

No way on this earth! Not only will he do nothing in your house, he will think that he can pay a small amount of rent and have everything done for him as well. Wouldn't that affect any benefits that you get?

I couldn’t be at all attracted to someone so lazy and selfish.

What’s he adding to your life?

You already have a child. That’s enough work. Don’t add to your load by taking on a failure to fly project. And don’t let your DD watch you skivvying for a man, what a bad role model to give her. That applies to now too when he’s treating you and with time and energy with contempt, never mind trying to live together.

If he won't even clean up after himself as a guest in someone else's home, he sure as shit won't when he lives with you.

Don't live together. At least not until he has lived on his own away from mummy for a year and you can see he keeps his place clean.

Fair enough lastqueenofscotland I don't want to derail this thread and take the blokes side in this, he sounds pretty useless.

I do agree with others Op; your examples make him sound spectacularly selfish and entitled. As someone mentioned up thread, even as guest in someone's home you wouldn't leave mess like that.

I think it's less about him living at home and more about his general attitude and lack of respect.

Perhaps you're at incompatible life stages despite being similar ages? You had a child relatively young so I assume you've grown up and taken on responsibilities far more quickly than your average 20 something. You're independant, solely responsible for your own home; he's still acting like a teen really.

No judgement here, I was a young mum too.

@yorkie6

I currently have my own house and my boyfriend lives with his parents. We're both late twenties. I have a 5 year old daughter.

We've been together for nearly 3 years and are talking about moving in together but I've got a few worries.

My boyfriend pays his mum rent but doesn't help her with housework or cooking. When he's at my house he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

He comes over to mine regularly and I don't expect him to do things like housework but it worries me that he doesn't even clean up after himself or help me with simple things. If we move in together I don't want him to not pull his weight.

I brought up the subject of housework and cooking if we lived together and he said he would do his share but going on everything I've seen so far I'm not sure I believe him. He's cooked for me once in the whole time we've been together. Am I just overreacting here? Is this not something to worry about?!

As my gran always said, never live with a man who hasn’t lived alone. Good general advice I think.

Does he contribute financially if he's eating at yours etc

I think the division of chores depends on your set up. Do you work full time, does he? If you work much less hours then you should be doing more household stuff although he should be mucking in. Have you discussed financial matters? What he'll be contributing

I disagree. Why should OP do more than 50% of the cleaning etc, IF he’s only paying 50% (or less) of the bills? Why should she use her free time doing more work around the house because he’s out earning more money for himself?

Yes that's true naunet That would be a factor if you were combining finances, thinking about marriage. If one partner is working long hours all week and one partner is at home then there's only so much time in the week the FT partner has to undertake chores though.

Op hasn't given enough info on her situation. Is it a rental, would single parent benefits be affected by him living there, and if so would he have to contribute more to support the family?

Does he live alone with just his mum? I think that can sometimes be a bit of a weird dynamic when the son is an adult. Particularly if the mother isn't encouraging him to take responsibility or be independent.

@SmileyClare Both me and my boyfriend work full time, he earns very slightly more than me. My house isn't rented, I have a mortgage.