Concerns about living together

[yorkie6]

I currently have my own house and my boyfriend lives with his parents. We're both late twenties. I have a 5 year old daughter.

We've been together for nearly 3 years and are talking about moving in together but I've got a few worries.

My boyfriend pays his mum rent but doesn't help her with housework or cooking. When he's at my house he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

He comes over to mine regularly and I don't expect him to do things like housework but it worries me that he doesn't even clean up after himself or help me with simple things. If we move in together I don't want him to not pull his weight.

I brought up the subject of housework and cooking if we lived together and he said he would do his share but going on everything I've seen so far I'm not sure I believe him. He's cooked for me once in the whole time we've been together. Am I just overreacting here? Is this not something to worry about?!

How can you possibly be attracted to someone so lazy who doesn't respect your house when he is only a guest?

Man child.

Big nope
How unattractive

@yorkie6 When he's at my house he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

I’m having difficulty seeing why you are attracted to someone so rude and disrespectful, tbh. Did you/have you pulled him up on any of these things? If so, what was his response?

@JustKittenAround

I disagree about a trial anything.

You earn the right to a trial. He hasn’t. He hasn’t shown himself worthy and you know it deep down. You’re here for a reason.

Please. The trial to win access to you and your space starts from the moment he said hello.
He has t even earned the one month. Which isn’t feasible anyway. Nobody survives something like that if it’s him having to move out.

Don’t do it. Everyone can come after me… but it’s not a smart plan.

I second this post.

He is never going to change and he has not even tried to impress you while styaing over in your house? Why would you want to show your DD that this is the level of respect a man should show you?

@SmileyClare None of those factors impact this.

When he's at my house he'll do things like have some toast and then just leave the side covered in crumbs and butter. If I make him dinner occasionally he won't help with tidying up after. If I'm struggling to put all the bins out when he's here for example he'll just watch me and not offer any help.

He’s being exceedingly unpleasant and she shouldn’t move in with him. You seem to be trying to minimise said unpleasantness by listing somewhat irrelevant extenuating circumstances (based on the information we were initially given, why would he be the much higher earner or work longer hours?) This man is pushing 30 and behaving like a teenager. No.

Why on earth are you even considering it?

He absolutely won't change. Let him live with you if you are happy to accept a life of servitude and resentment , never mind what it will teach your child as they grow up

Well hats off to you Op for buying your own home and juggling being a single parent and working full time all in your twenties.

Is your partner a selfish inconsiderate person or not? You must know after 3 years. Either you think he will respect your home and pitch in or won't change. Have you pulled him up on not helping, being a lazy twat when he's stayed over?

If you do decide to try moving in together then protect yourself. Do not put his name on the mortgage, utilities or combine finances at this early stage. Agree everything home and finance related before hand.

I think you need to be extra cautious with introducing him into your dd's life as a permanent fixture if you're having serious doubts.

I'm not "excusing his unpleasantness" at all. My point earlier was that sometimes couples can agree an unequal division of labour in the home depending on their working situation. That was in response to a poster that said All chores should be divided in half and he should do all his own laundry separately.

JESUS NO.

Do not take over from his mummy in providing a home, services, food and laundry for this manchild.

He won't change - this is who he is!

A normal responsible ADULT wouldn't even have to think about something as basic as clearing up the kitchen after themselves. They would just do it.

All these examples you give tell you more than you need to know about this guy.

And LOL at the fact that he'd even walk into a ready-made mortgaged home... omg!

Do you and your child a favour. Tell him with a smile that every single thing you've seen him do so far has shown you that he needs a serious phase of growing up before he gets to live as an adult, WITH the adults. That living as a partnership is a privilege not a right. That unless he shows you very clearly that he is bringing good stuff to the table and a good attitude, then mummy will be babysitting him for a while yet.

• He lives independently for at least 6 months and runs his own home. Gets experience of the fact that if muggins don't put out the bins, they're not emptied. If muggins don't wash up, there's no clean plates.

Don't even consider it before this.

In fact, scratch that. You have a MAN of almost 30 who hasn't moved on from the same attitude to how adult life works he had when he was 15. Perhaps the easier solution is that you go and actually find an adult who is functional, and not give yourself another job to do training this one?

Well you know what your taking on as you have seen his slovenly attitude already.

Not sure why you want this manchild in your childs home. He has cooked for you once in three years, doesnt clean up after himself when at your home. What do you expect to change when he moves in?

Echo other posters. He needs to live independently before you live together. This is vital for you to have a fair good relationship going forward.

You will just be his replacement Mummy otherwise.

Hell to the no, unless he pays his half of the mortgage AND a cleaner once a week.

Utterly disrespectful to come into your home and leave a mess!

Utterly selfish and uncaring to allow you to cook and clean for him in your home and expect to be waited on.

If he says he would share chores when he moves in, why doesn’t he clear up after himself NOW?

I would audition him: before he moves out of his Mum’s have him stay a few days and say you are sharing household jobs.

But actually, I wouldn’t have him move into my home at all.

You are taking on responsibility, you have a mortgage, you are a parent, you are investing in yours and your DD’s futures,

Despite earning more, he is acting like an immature teenager.

What does he do with his money? Given that he earns more, doesn’t (presumably) pay market rent or have responsibility for a child?

Consider that if he moves in you will lose your Council Tax discount. You will probably lose any UC / Tax credits you may currently be entitled to.

Basically, if you have worries about this sort of thing it means you have something to worry about! Trust your instincts. Trust his actions not his words.

In my experience, domestic behaviors (of both parties) don't improve with time or with cohabitation. For the most part, we're all on our best behavior earlier in the relationship. As we get more comfortable and secure, certain behaviors lapse. This is human nature.

When things are fresh, most people trip over ourselves to be helpful and thoughtful. It's part of wooing. If he couldn't wipe up his toast crumbs then, he never will. I'd be willing to bet that'd be the just tip of the iceberg.

So, by this theory, you've already seen the best of him.

If you're not impressed, then don't live together and maybe it's time to move on.

Not only that but he'd be moving in, so would still think he was a guest.
Been there, and the cocklodger got short shrift when he was behaving like a non-paying guest

Christ no way. Not unless you want to look after a man child. Even my shit exes who didn't lift a finger when we lived together made an effort before we did (otherwise I wouldn't have moved in with them).

And he has never experienced doing it so has no idea how much work and how frustrating it is to have to pick up after an adult.

Also don't like the attitude of seeing someone work and not naturally want to help them and just adding to their load. You work, have a kid, run a house - all he does is work, yet will create more work for his girlfriend who does twice as much as him? Nah

@yorkie6 I wonder what you say to him / how you interact when he leaves crumbs and butter on the side? Or when you cook and he doesn't help?

My dh is not a great cook (and I love cooking) so the majority is down to me, but he CAN cook, and sometimes I want him to do it - ALL of it, the shopping, the cooking, the clearing up. I tell him what I want to eat (choosing recipes I know he can do). In other words I am really clear with him about my expectations.

My dh also has a habit of taking toast out of the toaster, not putting it on a plate but instead putting butter and jam on, on the counter. Drives me mad! But if he does it. I call him back to the kitchen when I notice it, I point it out and make him clear it up. Straightforward, no huffing and puffing on my part, just clarity about what's not OK.

I have to say I am not a clean freak, but I will not add clearing up after someone else to my list of tasks.

We both work full time and usually have a cleaner (we both pay for this). During COVID restrictions when cleaner could not come we had a clear list of tasks that needed done. One week I'd do upstairs and he'd do downstairs, the following week the other way round. And we both had to be actively involved in cleaning for the same length of time. We have different things that we notice - I spend more time on cleaning round taps and plug holes, he spends more time on windows and hoovering. But we were both doing it equally and together. I was probably doing more in the kitchen during the week (that's my domain and happy place so don't want it to feel grubby) but I'm fine with that.

Oh, and he does ALL the laundry (neither of us iron anything except for very particular items / ocassions).

However, I know that if were not assertive with dh, he would not notice the crumbs and butter on the kitchen worktop and I could easily become the resentful person clearing up after him. He would put off housework till tomorrow (or the next day, or the next week). And then get distracted by tidying his sock drawer.

For me it's a combination of clarity and kind assertiveness. Clarity and assertiveness about agreeing what needs done and when. But kindness and laughter if it's not done 'properly'.

I don't see those in what you have described. Sorry. But I hope this helps you to be clearer about what you expect your respective roles to be BEFORE he moves in. And if he doesn't pull his weight now, after you've discussed it, you have a pretty clear idea of what will happen in the future...

Have you talked about what he'd contribute financially if he moved in with you?

@venusandmars that's great but I disagree with that. I had words with my bf because he would only do what I asked him to. I said that he is not a child and I don't want to be the one mothering him. Plus also, I wanted it to be that if sometimes he or I didn't feel like doing something because we were tired or lazy or had deadlines then that is fine, didn't want to feel obligation. But as long as we both did our fair share without needing to ask. He has eyes, he's an adult, he knows what needs doing. My first 2 long term boyfriends who I lived with had no problems with this. We just got on with what we needed to do - all of it, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. Never once any resentment or issues.

Don't do it OP.

Don't ever live with this one. He's never left mummy's side and will expect you to be mummy too.

You will inevitably get a lot of responses emphasising that he won't change. Doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. My BF would not pull his weight but after years of talking and working it out (which has involved a lot of upset and frustrations on both sides) he's a model partner now. I'm not perfect either. We both brought crap to the relationship. Over the course of two decades we have worked most of it out. That's what it is to be in a long term relationship. Sorry, not v romantic, but there it is.
I'm glad I didn't leave him 2003 when he refused to clean the bathroom

@NeverRTFT, how did you get him to clean the bathroom?

@NeverRTFT

You will inevitably get a lot of responses emphasising that he won't change. Doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. My BF would not pull his weight but after years of talking and working it out (which has involved a lot of upset and frustrations on both sides) he's a model partner now. I'm not perfect either. We both brought crap to the relationship. Over the course of two decades we have worked most of it out. That's what it is to be in a long term relationship. Sorry, not v romantic, but there it is. I'm glad I didn't leave him 2003 when he refused to clean the bathroom

I don't understand how a grown adult could look another grown adult, let alone someone they claim to care about, in the eye and essentially say "I don't want to clean up after my own piss etc in the bathroom, so you'll have to or we will live in filth."

I see things are improved for you now but isn't it just indicative of a man with no respect for you / a man who thinks that it's a woman's job to clean, by default? It's so unattractive I can't understand standing for it!

I'm just disgusted that this "man" watched you, his girlfriend, struggling to do a job and didn't offer to help. My exH was a bit like this, he'd quite happily sit and watch me struggle.