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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red Flags

107 replies

summer151 · 10/11/2021 14:20

I just want to throw this out there to see if people think this is strange behaviour.. I Have been seeing someone for the last 2 months. I just feel things are a bit off..he has made a lot of comments about my clothes. He more or less said I have no style and photos I have shown him he says things like "what the hell are u wearing there" I got my hair cut a few week ago and he said he didn't like it and to let it grow again as it doesn't suit me.. His friends sister is a stylist and he asked her would she be able to meet me to advise me what to wear., I feel he is trying to help as I have said to him I am in a rut regards my clothes. I am a single mum to 2 primary aged kids and have been for nearly 4 years and don't have the time or money to spend on myself. I feel like I am not good enough to be with him as I am so unstylish. He said I would look better with nice clothes long hair and fake tan. He showed me a picture of his newly single friend and said how good she looked. I mean she was plastered in make up fake tan, best of clothes, boobs out etc and said how lovely she was and there must be something wrong with the fella that broke up with her as she looked so lovely.. it just makes me feel I am not enough for this man and I never will be so I'm thinking about just finishing up with him

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 10/11/2021 14:23

Omg run. Apart from why would you want to be with someone who's so critical of you, why does he want to be with someone who he thinks is so 'unstylish' which appears to be a big thing for him? Truth is he sounds like a controlling arsehole I who'll never bring anything good to your life or indeed your kids lives.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 10/11/2021 14:26

2 months in and he's like this, why the fuck are you even questioning yourself. Get the hell out of there and quickly, he's a total bell end

Jabvribt · 10/11/2021 14:29

This is awful, I would take this as a lucky escape and run

CavernousScream · 10/11/2021 14:30

Full on tickertape parade of red flags. Leave him to his newly single friend.

RaisedByPangolins · 10/11/2021 14:31

Yeah run. Now.

At best you’re just not suited as he fancies women who look a certain way and you’re not one of them.

At worst he’s negging you and is a controlling arsehole. FWiW the guy who did that to me started with telling me what I should wear (looking me up and down and saying we’re going to a NICE restaurant you know) or saying I really like it when you wear a dress, like xx (his female housemate who was clearly much more his style but was sadly already seeing his friend!). It escalated to small acts of aggression, squeezing my hand too tightly, then punching a hole in my wall, culminating in him strangling me one night.

Now I’m not saying your man here is 100% an abuser, but if I’d known how these things work back then I could have avoided a lot of self doubt and heartache (plus the whole attempted murder part!) by just chucking him at the first sign of arseholery. Don’t take another chance on him. You know it’s not right. The fact that you’ve questioned it says that your intuition knows that he’s a wrong un. Well done for spotting it. Flowers

HellonHeels · 10/11/2021 14:33

He's lovely, isn't he! Please dump him immediately what an utter prick.

Babyvenusplant · 10/11/2021 14:44

Dump him immediately op Flowers

Justcallmebebes · 10/11/2021 14:45

Wow. Please don't think about finishing with him, actually finish with him. This will get worse if you stick around and he will leave you feeling totally worthless and inadequate which is probably his intention

Hen2018 · 10/11/2021 14:46

Goodbye, nasty man!

galacticpixels · 10/11/2021 14:48

Run and don't even think twice about it! If he has the guts to be like this so early on imagine what he'd be like in the future.

That's not normal behaviour and there are much nicer men out there!

MamDancer · 10/11/2021 14:49

Dump immediately.

Pinkbonbon · 10/11/2021 14:49

Omg run. It is not to 'help' you. Not at all. It is to make you feel 'not enough' for him. Id bet my qss he says things like 'she looks lovely, you should dress more like her' ect...too.

He is an abuser op and a very obvious one. If you start changing your look for him he knows you are under his thumb and feeling insecure about the way you look.

Run for the hills. Run. Run fast and run far. Uts pretty much the biggest abuser red flag early in you can spot when they start making judgements about your appearance/comparing your style unfavorably to others.

Original poster
summer151 · 10/11/2021 14:49

I think he has been hurt by a lot of women.. and he has told me they have broken up with him (surprise surprise) I think glamorous women who have the time and money to really look after themselves are his type but maybe he feels they don't treat him well so I think maybe he is trying something different and he can then change me. I don't know. I'm confused

OP posts:
OnyxOryx · 10/11/2021 14:49

Get rid because he's making you feel bad about yourself. Which is because he's a controlling dickhead.

Chubbycatt · 10/11/2021 14:50

Let him but you a new stylish outfit and then dump him

frozendaisy · 10/11/2021 14:50

Tell him to go out with his newly single friend and ask him to shut the door behind him!

galacticpixels · 10/11/2021 14:50

He hasn't been hurt by them OP. He's done exactly what he's doing to you and they decided not to put up with it. You shouldn't put up with it either.

Bluebells34 · 10/11/2021 14:51

You are clearly not the type to be plastered in make up. fake tan - boobs out etc and to be honest you sound far more stylish and classy than his idea of what a woman should look like. Let him go and find his fake woman. He sounds controlling telling you how to look - dont waste any more time on him.

mewkins · 10/11/2021 14:52

It doesn't really matter why he does it. It makes you feel shit about yourself. Get out now!

MamDancer · 10/11/2021 14:52

@galacticpixels

He hasn't been hurt by them OP. He's done exactly what he's doing to you and they decided not to put up with it. You shouldn't put up with it either.
This!

Please get rid OP. There's no confusion here. He's out to control you.

Pinkbonbon · 10/11/2021 14:53

@summer151

I think he has been hurt by a lot of women.. and he has told me they have broken up with him (surprise surprise) I think glamorous women who have the time and money to really look after themselves are his type but maybe he feels they don't treat him well so I think maybe he is trying something different and he can then change me. I don't know. I'm confused
He had not been hurt by a lot of women he just doesn't like women. So women will always be the 'crazy ex' who broke up with poor little him for apparently no good reason. Its bullshit. Again, standard abuser behaviour to make you feel their shittyness is somehow not their fault.
mistermagpie · 10/11/2021 14:53

Red flags at full mast here!!

I got together with my first husband very young, he was exactly like this and I was very easily influenced (controlled) at the time. We were together ten years and by the end of it I dressed completely differently to how I did when we met, my hair was a different colour, I did tanning (which I hated) and wore heels (ditto) and all because they were things he liked. I didn't even notice it happening. I threw away or returned clothes he didn't like, even if I did like them. I didn't know who I was.

This is what these men do. It's not being helpful or taking an interest, you don't need some sort of makeover, it's just a way to be in control. Be glad you have recognised it early and run as far as your little legs will carry you.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 10/11/2021 14:54

Dont be confused
They probably broke up with him because he spent all day criticising them and telling them they aren't good enough. If only they lost 5lbs / were more tanned / had bigger boobs... then! Than he could love them
It's pathetic.

If you are such an awful ugly mess (which i am sure you are not!!!) why the hell did he date you in the first place?

He is an abusive creep red flags everywhere. He is also the problem not you.
Run away now.

BiLuminous · 10/11/2021 14:59

The red flags are neon. Don't make excuses for him. He will likely turn even nastier when you dump him, so be braced for that. Just because he says it doesn't mean it's true.

He is trying to control you by telling you how to look and what you should wear. Please read up on normal healthy boundaries in relationships and don't accept any less in the future.

Physnicall · 10/11/2021 15:00

Don’t fall for his pity party designed to reel you in and make you feel bad. He’s a controlling arse