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Original poster

Red Flags

107 replies

summer151 · 10/11/2021 14:20

I just want to throw this out there to see if people think this is strange behaviour.. I Have been seeing someone for the last 2 months. I just feel things are a bit off..he has made a lot of comments about my clothes. He more or less said I have no style and photos I have shown him he says things like "what the hell are u wearing there" I got my hair cut a few week ago and he said he didn't like it and to let it grow again as it doesn't suit me.. His friends sister is a stylist and he asked her would she be able to meet me to advise me what to wear., I feel he is trying to help as I have said to him I am in a rut regards my clothes. I am a single mum to 2 primary aged kids and have been for nearly 4 years and don't have the time or money to spend on myself. I feel like I am not good enough to be with him as I am so unstylish. He said I would look better with nice clothes long hair and fake tan. He showed me a picture of his newly single friend and said how good she looked. I mean she was plastered in make up fake tan, best of clothes, boobs out etc and said how lovely she was and there must be something wrong with the fella that broke up with her as she looked so lovely.. it just makes me feel I am not enough for this man and I never will be so I'm thinking about just finishing up with him

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 10/11/2021 17:41

Next time he says something about your clothes laugh in his face and say,,, "do you really think I care what you say about my appearance? I do what I want, if you don't like it find a woman who already has a tan. I am not risking skin cancer for YOU, dickhead,"

Sparklfairy · 10/11/2021 17:41

Agree, no long explanation. Not only will he twist it back on you, "thats not what I meant, you misinterpreted" etc, but you'll also alert him to hide his behaviour better next time and leave it until the next victim is well and truly stuck - possibly with children - before he lets his mask slip!

cookieicecream · 10/11/2021 17:48

OP - you deserve someone better who will like you for who you are Thanks

Wildheartsease · 10/11/2021 17:51

No long explanation!
It is a style thing - the two of you are not suited :)

BabsFiddle · 10/11/2021 17:51

You have only been with him two months and therefore it is quite reasonable for you to say "it isn't working for me - suggest we call it a day"..
Have you thought that his newly-single friend may have rejected him and he is trying to turn you into a look-alike substitute.

Run for the hills and find someone who likes you just as you are.

pictish · 10/11/2021 18:01

Tell him if he wants a dolly, he is welcome to go and get one.

Wnikat · 10/11/2021 18:02

Run run run for the hills

ErrmWTAF · 10/11/2021 18:04

It's so simple. Keep it simple.

"This isn't working for me. Best of luck for your future endeavours. Bye."

At only two months in, feel free to do it by text. Don't get drawn into debates. If you want to block him after, do it. If you want to give him the opportunity to say "ok, bye", do.

If he gives you any aggro, reply with either "Bye Felipe" (and look up that site/IG - comedy/outrage Gold!), or use the immortal words of Captain Mal Reynolds: "why are you discussing what's already been decided?"

IAAP · 10/11/2021 18:05

@BiLuminous

The red flags are neon. Don't make excuses for him. He will likely turn even nastier when you dump him, so be braced for that. Just because he says it doesn't mean it's true.

He is trying to control you by telling you how to look and what you should wear. Please read up on normal healthy boundaries in relationships and don't accept any less in the future.

This. Bright red scarlet neon flare in fireworks in the sky. Dump dump dump block and move on
NowEvenBetter · 10/11/2021 18:10

You’ve known him for a matter of hours, just text him ‘you’re dumped. No need to reply, cheers.’ Really not worth thinking about for longer than 1 second.

Joy69 · 10/11/2021 18:12

Definitely dump him! My exh was like this. He used to say why don't you wear mini skirts & heels to do the school run. I walked through a muddy wood to school! Another favourite was ' why don't you dress like other women?'.
You must look great because he was interested in the first place. If you stay he'll erode all your confidence & you'll end up needing counselling to get your head straight again. Bet he'll be a cheat too.
You are worth so much more than this rubbish man x

supremelybaffled · 10/11/2021 18:19

@summer151

I think he has been hurt by a lot of women.. and he has told me they have broken up with him (surprise surprise) I think glamorous women who have the time and money to really look after themselves are his type but maybe he feels they don't treat him well so I think maybe he is trying something different and he can then change me. I don't know. I'm confused
Those glamorous women are fantasy figures, and he wants to create a fantasy sex doll.

I doubt that he's been hurt by a lot of women, but I do suspect that he has been told to fuck off quite a lot, and no wonder.

Do yourself a favour and dump him before he damages your self-esteem any further.

Tallisimo · 10/11/2021 18:20

Definitely time to ditch this ‘charming’ man. I really wouldn’t explain, go into detail or anything like that. A straightforward ‘this isn’t working for me, I won’t be seeing you again, bye, have a nice life’ will be more than sufficient.

EarthSight · 10/11/2021 18:43

So glad to read the end of your post because at that point I was wondering where your dignity was, especially after this -

I mean she was plastered in make up fake tan, best of clothes, boobs out etc and said how lovely she was and there must be something wrong with the fella that broke up with her as she looked so lovely

He's made it extremely clear what he wants you to look like, which makes me wonder, why on earth did he go for you in the first place?? I assume it's because he thinks he can mould you to his exact requirements, that he hopes you are insecure, compliant and want him enough to do that.

If you fancy that, and you want to look like this fake tanned woman in the photo, go for it, but otherwise it sounds like it's time to say goodbye. Also, it wouldn't surprise me if it's starts with appearance and then works its way into other areas of your life eventually.

Ema52 · 10/11/2021 18:53

@summer151

I just want to throw this out there to see if people think this is strange behaviour.. I Have been seeing someone for the last 2 months. I just feel things are a bit off..he has made a lot of comments about my clothes. He more or less said I have no style and photos I have shown him he says things like "what the hell are u wearing there" I got my hair cut a few week ago and he said he didn't like it and to let it grow again as it doesn't suit me.. His friends sister is a stylist and he asked her would she be able to meet me to advise me what to wear., I feel he is trying to help as I have said to him I am in a rut regards my clothes. I am a single mum to 2 primary aged kids and have been for nearly 4 years and don't have the time or money to spend on myself. I feel like I am not good enough to be with him as I am so unstylish. He said I would look better with nice clothes long hair and fake tan. He showed me a picture of his newly single friend and said how good she looked. I mean she was plastered in make up fake tan, best of clothes, boobs out etc and said how lovely she was and there must be something wrong with the fella that broke up with her as she looked so lovely.. it just makes me feel I am not enough for this man and I never will be so I'm thinking about just finishing up with him
Oh my god don't think about finishing it with him do it!!
Ema52 · 10/11/2021 18:57

@summer151

I think he has been hurt by a lot of women.. and he has told me they have broken up with him (surprise surprise) I think glamorous women who have the time and money to really look after themselves are his type but maybe he feels they don't treat him well so I think maybe he is trying something different and he can then change me. I don't know. I'm confused
"I think he's been hurt by alot of women"

Wise up OP he said this for sympathy to get you to do what he wants.

Pinkbonbon · 10/11/2021 19:50

Definitely keep the message (btw, feel free to do it by text in this scenario as he isn't owed anything more considering his behaviour) short and non specific. Don't be lured into further discussion or detail either just 'I'm just not feeling it'. But a simple 'this isn't working for me, all the best' is fine.

Don't let him convince you you owe him a chat in person. You don't. And he will only twist his words and fuck with your head.

You've had a very lucky escape with this one.
Good luck with the finishing it!

browneyes77 · 10/11/2021 20:31

@BabsFiddle

You have only been with him two months and therefore it is quite reasonable for you to say "it isn't working for me - suggest we call it a day".. Have you thought that his newly-single friend may have rejected him and he is trying to turn you into a look-alike substitute.

Run for the hills and find someone who likes you just as you are.

Exactly my thoughts!

The comments he made about his single friend, scream to me that he fancies her but she isn’t interested in him!

He’s trying to turn you into what he likes, rather than accepting you for who you are.

And I agree, no lengthy explanation is needed this early on. Just say “Sorry I don’t think we’re compatible, so let’s call it a day”.

And RUN!! 🏃🏻‍♀️

browneyes77 · 10/11/2021 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1471442488 · 10/11/2021 20:37

@summer151

I think he has been hurt by a lot of women.. and he has told me they have broken up with him (surprise surprise) I think glamorous women who have the time and money to really look after themselves are his type but maybe he feels they don't treat him well so I think maybe he is trying something different and he can then change me. I don't know. I'm confused
I swear these fuckers have a script. How hurt they’ve been by other women, then you feel sorry for them and stick around when their abusive shitty behaviour escalates.

You owe him nothing after 2 months. Tell him it’s over, block him and move on. You will meet someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 10/11/2021 20:39

You owe him nothing. You barely even know him. He's a nasty negging cunt.

Tell him it's over, block him, and get on with your life.

Two months in is the honeymoon period - you should be full of lust for each other, on your best behaviour, full of compliments, starry eyed. He's not. You deserve better.

sandy354 · 10/11/2021 20:48

Tell him the sec isn't doing it for you....you thought it might improve but it hasn't

In fact tell him about your drop dead gorgeous, recently single mate and tell him how good he is in bed. Maybe he should try being more like him......

sandy354 · 10/11/2021 20:54

*sex

Chloemol · 10/11/2021 20:59

Run now, quickly

2bazookas · 10/11/2021 21:06

He's the one who's not good enough for you.
Dump and run, you deserve better.