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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red Flags

107 replies

summer151 · 10/11/2021 14:20

I just want to throw this out there to see if people think this is strange behaviour.. I Have been seeing someone for the last 2 months. I just feel things are a bit off..he has made a lot of comments about my clothes. He more or less said I have no style and photos I have shown him he says things like "what the hell are u wearing there" I got my hair cut a few week ago and he said he didn't like it and to let it grow again as it doesn't suit me.. His friends sister is a stylist and he asked her would she be able to meet me to advise me what to wear., I feel he is trying to help as I have said to him I am in a rut regards my clothes. I am a single mum to 2 primary aged kids and have been for nearly 4 years and don't have the time or money to spend on myself. I feel like I am not good enough to be with him as I am so unstylish. He said I would look better with nice clothes long hair and fake tan. He showed me a picture of his newly single friend and said how good she looked. I mean she was plastered in make up fake tan, best of clothes, boobs out etc and said how lovely she was and there must be something wrong with the fella that broke up with her as she looked so lovely.. it just makes me feel I am not enough for this man and I never will be so I'm thinking about just finishing up with him

OP posts:
OnyxOryx · 10/11/2021 15:01

Oh come on. They don't treat him well? More Iike he treats them like shit, is only interested in them for their looks, they're unimpressed with this and dump him, as well they should!

Every arsehole has a reason why they think their arseholery is justified and how it somehow makes them a victim.

His comments upset you, make you feel crap. You're feeling confused. You feel like you're not good enough for him. You feel like he thinks you're not good enough for him. He compares your looks unfavorably to others. He thinks his friend shouldn't be single because he considers her good looking, as if that's a woman's only value and his opinion is the only one that matters. That's a whole bunch of reasons to get rid. You don't need to know why even though it's obvious all you need to know is that this is how he is and you already don't like it.

Don't ask yourself why is he like this. Ask yourself why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad? Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks you're not good enough for them?

FlorenciaFlora · 10/11/2021 15:01

Bet he’s not all that himself. Often these types are mingers with bad personal hygiene.

YukoandHiro · 10/11/2021 15:03

Eurgh he sounds horrific.

Please walk now before he hurts you badly or damages your self esteem.

MargotsBumpyNight · 10/11/2021 15:07

Two months in should be fireworks and romance, not anxiety and controlling criticism. Run.

Pinkbonbon · 10/11/2021 15:09

Think if it this way, even if this wasn't standard abuser patter, how bloody arrogant do you have to be as a person to start telling someone that they should dress differently!? I mean, who does he think he is, gok wan?

If I like someone then I want them to feel good in their own skin. I sure as gell don't want to be an arsehole and start telling them they should change everything about themselves. That isn't liking someone, it's trying to control them. And it's not something aa nice person does. Life is short, only surround yourself nice people.

Cast off bad people, not your clothing.

ErrmWTAF · 10/11/2021 15:12

Him: "Oh, but you're so different from all the rest"

Also him: "Do everything I tell you to look like all the rest"

OnyxOryx · 10/11/2021 15:16

@FlorenciaFlora

Bet he’s not all that himself. Often these types are mingers with bad personal hygiene.
😂Grin

...but even if he has a gold plated knob you should still dump him

Graphista · 10/11/2021 15:19

Ugh No!

2 months and he's making you feel bad about yourself and trying to change you?!

Hell no!

Throw this one back in the pond

2 months in he should be besotted with you, he chose to date you at least partly based on how you already look. If he cannot accept that he needs to go.

At this point spending time together should make you both feel really good about that and about yourselves

Is he an Adonis?! I'm betting not! And I bet he nitpicks even over the "glamorous" women - frankly based on his apparent preferences it sounds like he over indulges in porn too!

Sparklfairy · 10/11/2021 15:24

@summer151

I think he has been hurt by a lot of women.. and he has told me they have broken up with him (surprise surprise) I think glamorous women who have the time and money to really look after themselves are his type but maybe he feels they don't treat him well so I think maybe he is trying something different and he can then change me. I don't know. I'm confused
He showed me a picture of his newly single friend and said how good she looked. I mean she was plastered in make up fake tan, best of clothes, boobs out etc and said how lovely she was and there must be something wrong with the fella that broke up with her as she looked so lovely..

I assume he's aware that she doesn't look like that first thing in the morning and takes hours to look like that?!

Please stop making excuses for him being "hurt" in the past. He's being really nasty to you.

He knows what you look like and how you dress etc. Why is he dating you if he apparently doesn't like these most basic things about you?

More importantly, why are YOU questioning whether you should change who you are and dress up as his fantasy ideal woman to make him happy?

You do realise as soon as you wore clothes he liked/a hairstyle he chose/spent hours carefully face painting applying loads of makeup, he would just find something else about you to criticise?

Run.

MyMILisLovely · 10/11/2021 15:34

Run

KintsugiForever · 10/11/2021 15:38

HE is not enough for YOU OP. As everyone else has said, run. He's shown his true colours very early on which is a good thing. Onwards and upwards.

Wildheartsease · 10/11/2021 15:54

You sound worryingly accepting of his views on style and down on your own abilities in this line. Why do you think he is right? Why are you wrong?

Do you think that this is healthy for your future relationship? He sounds rude and dissatisfied; how is this going to add to your daily life together?

I see hope though in that you are asking about red flags and in your description of his fine friend (it suggests that you are not completely taken with his ideas about what is stylish: 'plastered in make up fake tan, best of clothes, boobs out etc'. :) )

There are other fish out there... and warmer creatures too: keep looking.

Bookworm20 · 10/11/2021 15:57

Nope.
Run.

He isn't trying to 'help' He is trying to mould you into the image of someone who looks like his newly single friend. The sort of woman he find attractive obviously.
The comment about how anyone could leave her etc etc is to underpin that by essentially saying if you look that that I'd never leave you.

This sort of man will slowly chip away at your self confidence, as you'll never feel good enough, he'll make sure of that. Of course it will be interspersed with compliments, just to add in another level of confusion for you.

If you want to change your wardrobe, your hair, or even get a tan. Do it for YOU.

altmember · 10/11/2021 16:03

Suggest to him that he gets together with his newly single friend instead then. Sounds like just the sort of woman he's looking for.

GrandOld · 10/11/2021 16:04

The first negative comment from a man like this you should leave.

IsThePopeCatholic · 10/11/2021 16:11

He’s already controlling you, op. Get rid of him ASAP.

Hen2018 · 10/11/2021 16:16

You say you feel confused at the moment.

I predict that, if you dump him, in a week or two you will feel less confused.

GrannieD · 10/11/2021 16:21

Sounds like a control freak. Run like hell !

FinallyHere · 10/11/2021 16:31

what the hell are u wearing there" I got my hair cut a few week ago and he said he didn't like it and to let it grow again as it doesn't suit me

I only read as far as this and am already posting to tell you this won't get better.

Throw this one back.

p.s. there is nothing to confuse you here.

He acted like a dick, criticising other girlfriends too and they very rightly threw him back. He is looking for someone with low self esteem who might think this is ok.

It is not ok.

The right man will love you and think you look great, when you are wearing a bin bag. Not want to change how you look on the outside.

Original poster
summer151 · 10/11/2021 17:19

Thanks for replying everyone. I find this site so good as people are so kind to take the time to reply. It's much appreciated. It's only when I write it down i get to see the whole picture of what's going on. I am going to end it but don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of saying everything I wrote in my first post, more or less or I'm thinking maybe that's too much

OP posts:
MyMILisLovely · 10/11/2021 17:21

It's easy @summer151.
You say to him, 'This relationship isn't working for me any more. I don't wish to be with you any more. Goodbye'

MollyButton · 10/11/2021 17:23

It's early days. You don't have to justify yourself. Just say " sorry but it's not working for me". And leave.
You sound nice but it's your decision and shouldn't be a discussion.

Bluebells34 · 10/11/2021 17:23

Tell him you don't like his dress sense or hair style!!! '"You are just not my type ...sorry" !!!!

FinallyHere · 10/11/2021 17:25

Absolutely, no long explanations 'this isn't working for me' and with one hound you are free.

Good CNN luck.

KintsugiForever · 10/11/2021 17:34

No need for lots of explanations, he'll just use that to try and reel you back in most likely. Short and sweet, 'This isn't working for me anymore, but I wish you all the best. Take care'. And if you feel the need to block, then do - depends on whether you feel you'd get sucked back in again if he tried to get you to change your mind.

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