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Original poster

Ultimatum have sex, see other people or split?

113 replies

aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:05

Hi all, my husband of 11 years gave me an ultimatum. Either we have more sex, have an open relationship or split up?
background- 3 kids in primary school. I admit my sex drive is not that high, sometimes i do it just to please him and he will say i lay there like a sack of tatties, which i do because im not into it. In the past he has threatened often that i need to give it to him or he will go elsewhere. Then when i say we should split up he gets annoyed ? What would you do? i wasnt sure how to react?

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 10/11/2021 11:13

He obviously wants a sexual relationship and had issued his ultimatum. Can you identify why you don't want sex with him

Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:16

Its mainly because of his "huffy" attitude towards it. Like he will mope around and if i point this out to him he say "well you know what to do tom make me happy" and if we do something for example, there was a walk i wanted to do. Which we did one day wothout the kids, i was tired afterwards then he got grumpy and basically said that he done something for me so i kind of owed him sex? But the more he moans about it the more im repelled

OP posts:
Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:16

sorry @cheninblanc i forgot to tag you in that response

OP posts:
Salayes · 10/11/2021 11:18

Well I suppose if he isn’t open to option four which is the amount of sex you’re having now then those are the options. I think it’s grim he has sex with you when he knows you don’t want it and then makes disparaging comments about your lack of response. I couldn’t have sex with someone I knew wasn’t into it.

So to me it’s not surprising you don’t want more sex when it’s become an unwelcome chore a lot of the time.

What do you want from your sex life?

Freebritney · 10/11/2021 11:18

Someone who would have sex when the other party, clearly does not want do it, would not be someone who I would find attractive. I can understand why you don't want to have sex with him. Did he coerce you into sex?

CreepySpider · 10/11/2021 11:19

I think it’s perfectly reasonable and acceptable to want sex with your partner and for them to reciprocate. When you aren’t compatible, it usually means the end of the relationship. He has given you an ultimatum, so now is the time to end the marriage or tell him it’s fine for him to see other women (if that’s something you are fine with).

Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:20

@Salayes for me i want it to be an added extra that we would both enjoy. But with him it feels a little like he is entitled or that its a tool used for trading if that makes sense

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/11/2021 11:20

So if he approached this in a less oafish way, he'd be getting more sex?
Not sure I'd personally want to be in an exclusive relationship with an oaf, let alone an open one.

Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:21

@Freebritney no i consented mainly to stop his grumping and moping around

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 10/11/2021 11:22

Your in a loop, huffing is wrong but then again if he has desire for you and feelings as a marriage he wants that too. And it sounds like he's at the end of his patience with it as when you do have sex it's not thrilling if your just lying there, he must feel awful. Can you schedule in sex so every Saturday and Wednesday for example then although it's routine it becomes habit again and eventually normal. You both understand what's happening then and when it's going to happen. Do you want to break up, I'm sure he doesn't as he's pushing for a resolution. Ask him for a massage, give him one or have a nice bath before bed and get in the mood

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2021 11:22

The problem here is clearly he doesnt want to split but has issued an ultimatum.

Your problem seems to be that actually you dont want to have sex the way he goes about it and are repelled.

I think you have two options

  1. You say I agree that your relationship is over and you make plans to split

  2. You dont want to split. Here you need to talk to him and say all of this pestering and ultimatums and threats isnt making you want to have sex. If he wants to have sex with you that you are into and dont just lie there that needs to stop. For you sex is a natural flow on from a good partnership and relationship and this isnt it. If he wants it to be then the relationship side needs focus without sex. It needs to be taken out of the equation for both sides. And see what happens. Regroup at the end to see if there is anything worth saving. If he say no then revert to option 1

BornInAThunderstorm · 10/11/2021 11:22

How is the sex? I mean does he pay attention to your needs or is it all about PIV getting his end away?

Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:23

@CreepySpider yes i agree that in a committed relationship he sould be getting sex. I chose the split up option as i dont think id like being sat at home when he is "out" but when i said it he seemed annoyed, even though it was him that suggested it. I dont know if he was maybe trying to scare me into having more sex or something

OP posts:
IWannaQuitTheGym · 10/11/2021 11:23

In the past he has threatened often that i need to give it to him or he will go elsewhere

Off he fucks then. He sounds manipulative and downright nasty.

BorderlineHappy · 10/11/2021 11:23

The open relationship aspect is only for him i assume.
Same as the threesome.

Put it to him you think its a fantastic idea,you cant wait for a strapping man for the threesome and the open relationship.

I bet he he doesnt want that.
Which leaves how long have you not have had sex for.

CorrBlimeyGG · 10/11/2021 11:23

What do you want to happen? His attitude is not acceptable, but honestly it sounds like you've already checked out of that part of the relationship.

MultiStorey · 10/11/2021 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Immaculatemisconception · 10/11/2021 11:24

This thread is depressing me. This man is an utter twat and you need to leave him. That’s all.

SinoohXaenaHide · 10/11/2021 11:25

"Thank you for your ultimatum. This has helped me to understand that I am utterly repelled by the idea of even sharing a bed, let alone actually consent to sex, with someone who thinks it is ok to have sex with someone who doesn't want to. Please make arrangements to move out as soon as possible."

Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:26

@cheninblanc we have tried all those things, if we have great sex one night, its forgotten the next day. He will say oh that was yesterday, i just feel that he isnt satisfied with any amount, the more i give the more he wants. We planned to have it once a week but sometimes id feel anxious towards the end of the week if i wasnt feeling that i wanted to do it. And it is made worse when he starts to get grumpy. Personally i think splitting up is the best option when i think about it

OP posts:
NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 10/11/2021 11:27

It’s reasonable for him to want to split up because of mismatched sex drives, and you’ve been together long enough to know this isn’t a temporary blip.

It sounds as if he would prefer more enthusiasm from you or an open relationship. For me sex is an expression of love and I find the other person with-holding it in a relationship deeply upsetting. Maybe I have issues, but it’s triggered divorce for me.

BreadPita · 10/11/2021 11:28

He gave you your options and you chose "split up". I think you've done your bit tbh.
He'd rather be in a sexless marriage than be single. It's a choice he's making, even if he's not happy with it.

AltitudeCheck · 10/11/2021 11:30

Urrgh... he sounds like a sex pest! He has at least been honest and not cheated. Is he open to discussing this and negotiating a solution or is the ultimation more a case of forcing you to chose?

If you think the relationship is worth saving and you think you could get past the ick caused by him pestering you /having sex when you're clearly not enjoying it then perhaps counseling with a sex therapist might help you both find a way back to a mutually satisfying sex life. He'd need to understand there's a lot of 'ick' to undo and this wouldn't be easy or instant!

If on the other hand his attitude is repulsive enough that you don't think you can get past it then I would end it as amicably as possible so you can both move on and co-parent as well as possible.

Open relationships are complex and agreeing to it just so he can have sex elsewhere whilst playing happy families at home isn't likely to work long term.

You deserve a relationship that works for you, he sounds like he's only trying to find something that works for him.

Derbee · 10/11/2021 11:32

I would say ok to the open relationship, and then go and have some good sex with a nice man. You can bet your life when he suggests an open relationship he’s thinking of him having more sex, not you.

CovidPassQuestion · 10/11/2021 11:34

Yeah, there's no bigger turn on than your partner huffing about wanting sex Hmm

Separate. He's a twat.

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