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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ultimatum have sex, see other people or split?

113 replies

aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:05

Hi all, my husband of 11 years gave me an ultimatum. Either we have more sex, have an open relationship or split up?
background- 3 kids in primary school. I admit my sex drive is not that high, sometimes i do it just to please him and he will say i lay there like a sack of tatties, which i do because im not into it. In the past he has threatened often that i need to give it to him or he will go elsewhere. Then when i say we should split up he gets annoyed ? What would you do? i wasnt sure how to react?

OP posts:
CreepySpider · 10/11/2021 11:35

[quote aginglikeafinewine]@CreepySpider yes i agree that in a committed relationship he sould be getting sex. I chose the split up option as i dont think id like being sat at home when he is "out" but when i said it he seemed annoyed, even though it was him that suggested it. I dont know if he was maybe trying to scare me into having more sex or something[/quote]
I imagine he is trying to bully you into having more sex but that’s not your problem and can see why you wouldn’t like him being out having sex elsewhere. That’s why I think it’s probably the end of your relationship.

Mjjbgfessrgb · 10/11/2021 11:35

Of course you don't want to do if it's a chore which he nags you for constantly and then criticises you for not being enthusiastic about.
You want respect so maybe he could show you some and not demand it. It's fine to want more sex but the huffing, demanding and complaining is not on.
The long and short of it is that he either changes the way he is and hopes you feel more like having sex, or he leaves as you don't want an open relationship.

MintJulia · 10/11/2021 11:36

I can't see how this is resolvable unless he can understand that blackmail, ultimatums and constant grumbling & pressure are deeply unsexy.
If he wants your marriage to work, he could try being such a kind, selfless husband that it puts you in the mood, with no attached timescales or entitlement. But he just isn't that person is he?
With his attitude how will he cope when you hit the menopause?

Wherearemymarbles · 10/11/2021 11:39

You admit you dont have a high sex drive.
The way he goes about it is pretty grim and no wonder you dont want to have sex with him but I get the impression even if he was sweetness and light a few times a month would be enough for you.

Bottom line you are not sexually compatible so ending it is the most sensible option

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/11/2021 11:41

It’s over. See a lawyer and get a divorce.

I wouldn’t want a sexless marriage or sex with a reluctant partner. I wouldn’t want to live with someone huffy and demanding.

You’re not compatible. That’s okay.

aLittleL1fe · 10/11/2021 11:41

I think he's preparing you for the fact that he is getting sex elsewhere and it's 'your fault' (which of course can only be true in his head). I think splitting up is your best option, he's a bully.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 10/11/2021 11:44

Definitely split, asap. He's trying to pressure you into sex; he doesn't care if you want it, he'll still do it (what are you? A doll? He's a selfish idiot). Obviously you don't want sex with him, no sensible woman would under those circumstances. But don't 'open' the marriage to him shagging around or to you being pressured into more things you don't want (threesomes? really?).

Save sex for when you find someone you'd like to do it with.

Mummylewi · 10/11/2021 12:07

His attitude is appalling, but equally sex is important to some people and I personally couldn't live in a sexless marriage. You aren't compatible anymore and maybe it's best to separate. You deserve to be happy too. Why should you be pressured to have sex when you don't want to?

BiLuminous · 10/11/2021 12:10

Oh an ultimatum would REALLY make me want to have sex with him. Jeez.

I think I'd have to split. I couldn't find him attractive after saying that to me and I think the see other people option is just delaying the inevitable.

Inthesameboatatmo · 10/11/2021 12:13

You need to separate, I could not put up with a huffing sex pest when they didn't get their own way.
He doesn't respect you ,let him go and find someone decent to have sex with Flowers

GiantHaystacks2021 · 10/11/2021 12:15

Yeah, your marriage is as dead as Julius Caesar.
I would divorce.

WhoppingBigBackside · 10/11/2021 12:16

LTB

EasyBreezy · 10/11/2021 12:23

Is your partner supportive with the household/childcare duties? I had this with a partner when i had small dc and mainly it was because i was doing 95% of everything and he was doing very little so he was raring to go and i was turned off/exhausted by his lack of support. Had he bothered to take some of the workload without constantly asking 'what do you want me to do'...err open your eyes and look around...then i may have wanted more sex. I also got pissed off because i could tell when he wanted sex coz rather than being disinterested in me, he would start to be nice...needless to say we split Smile

Itsnotdeep · 10/11/2021 12:34

Get a divorce OP. Tell him that you don't want to be married to him anymore because he's a huffy sex pest and you don't want sex with him.

Franklyfrost · 10/11/2021 12:34

Why don’t you have sex? (Apart from his entitled attitude which would make anyone yak)

If you have no interest in sex and he can’t do without then leave him.

It would freak me out if my dp didn’t care about my pleasure. Is he suggesting you just add it to the weekly list: clean toilet, order shop, f* husband, kid’s homework, water plants? Or is he suggesting you reconnect and find some form of intimacy that suits you both?

Pascal80 · 10/11/2021 12:34

You aren't compatible at all. Some people need sex every day to feel loved. It doesn't matter what you think of it - it's true. Some people don't need sex but like it now and again when the situation feels right. You don't sound like you like your husband either. Better to split as there is no good ending to this situation, and you can relax and be happy and he can move on.

beebeebe · 10/11/2021 12:35

There is also a fourth option - sexual therapy, but ultimately if you don't want to do this or it doesn't work, you probably have to accept that this is the end of the relationship. You don't sound excited about sex and he has a high libido drive. Neither of you is wrong...

neededafart · 10/11/2021 12:39

I couldnt be in a sexless relationship tbh.

Split - find a a partner who has the same sex drive

MrMrsJones · 10/11/2021 12:41

My exhusbands opening line was "so are we having sex then or what"

Well ofcourse that made me feel so sexy ..not!!!

My new partner makes me feel sexy all the time, he tells me how beautiful I am, he does things for me, we are a team when it comes to housework, and I can't get enough of him and haven't wanted sex so much.

Your partners attitude ducks, what is he doing to make you feel good about yourself, does he pull his weight or just stomp around demanding more sex.

Cut him loose

TinnedPotatoesRock · 10/11/2021 12:42

What is the sex like OP, does he satisfy you?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/11/2021 12:43

We planned to have it once a week but sometimes id feel anxious towards the end of the week if i wasnt feeling that i wanted to do it. And it is made worse when he starts to get grumpy.

Oh god, this gave me flashbacks to a terrible relationship I was in in my 20s. I actually have a high libido but his shitty attitude, excessive drinking, laziness, selfishness gave me zero enthusiasm for sex with him. His cross dressing was the final nail in the coffin. He was 6ft tall, about 20 stone, had a lot of body hair but was balding. When he'd come out of the bathroom into the bedroom wearing stockings and suspenders and lacy knickers, dramatically pose in the doorway and archly ask "do you like me like this?" I tell you what I must have loved that fucker because instead of saying "no you look ridiculous" or just laughing I always said "Ohhh, get over here you sexy thing". Or maybe I'm just very kind!

I would "service" him with a hand job / blowjob every day so it's not like we didn't have any intimacy, but if I wasn't up for it, the sulks would start.

Prior to that idiot I was with someone who was very abusive and raped me by force many times, so I think when I got with Mr Stockings I kept excusing his behaviour as "well at least he's not slapping me and raping me." That's how low my bar was set.

Anyway. In your shoes op I think I'd be opting to split as well. I suspect the reason he was annoyed at you saying that is because he has someone in mind already for an open relationship...

Once you're with a decent, caring man I think you will find your sex drive increases. When I met my H we could not get enough of each other! I injured my back a few months into our relationship - chronic nerve damage in my spine. One night we were having sex and my back started to really hurt. He noticed within seconds that something was wrong. I said "I'm sorry, my backs hurting." He immediately pulled out. I automatically turned on my side, assuming he would want to continue in a different position - I had been conditioned to think that once a man was fucking you, he was entitled to finish, no matter what. My H said "what are you doing? You're in pain, stay there and I'll bring you a cup of tea and your painkillers." I cried. That's how a decent caring man behaves. Decent people only want to have sex with people who want it. They don't coerce you (which is what your man is doing by huffing, sulking and silent treatment) and then complain at you that you're not enjoying it! Lying there like a sack of spuds, ooh I wonder why 🤔 What a useless wankbadger.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/11/2021 12:44

Your marriage is already over. All you're doing now is wasting time.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/11/2021 12:45

@beebeebe

There is also a fourth option - sexual therapy, but ultimately if you don't want to do this or it doesn't work, you probably have to accept that this is the end of the relationship. You don't sound excited about sex and he has a high libido drive. Neither of you is wrong...
I agree that he's not wrong to WANT more sex - but he absolutely is wrong to be coercing OP into it then complaining about her lack of enthusiasm. He clearly has no concern for consent.
romany4 · 10/11/2021 12:47

Definitely split up.

He came for a walk with you so you owe him sex???

Sod that shit

ArabellaScott · 10/11/2021 12:53

[quote aginglikeafinewine]@Salayes for me i want it to be an added extra that we would both enjoy. But with him it feels a little like he is entitled or that its a tool used for trading if that makes sense[/quote]
Then the sex itself is not exactly the crux of the issue, although I think it's grim that he knows you are having sex when you don't want to.

The crux of the issue is that he is not respecting you and/or is trying to manipulate you. Doesn't sound like a healthy or happy relationship, OP, I'm sorry.