Ultimatum have sex, see other people or split?

[aginglikeafinewine]

Hi all, my husband of 11 years gave me an ultimatum. Either we have more sex, have an open relationship or split up?
background- 3 kids in primary school. I admit my sex drive is not that high, sometimes i do it just to please him and he will say i lay there like a sack of tatties, which i do because im not into it. In the past he has threatened often that i need to give it to him or he will go elsewhere. Then when i say we should split up he gets annoyed ? What would you do? i wasnt sure how to react?

He'll have fun sitting in his bachelor flat sulking because he'll be getting no sex at all. But at least you won't have to put up with the bulling arsehole

bullying. Bulling is something else

@WoolyMammoth55

Hi OP,

Just wanted to give you a MN hug - sounds like the 2 of you are in a crap place.

Sex in a relationship is only as good as the communication in that relationship. He shouldn't be bullying and coercing you if he wants more sex; he should be seducing you, and flirting and complimenting and giving you the things that make your knees go weak...

Having said that in my own marriage we have been 'no sex' for the past few months at my request - our littlest is 10 months old and I'm breastfeeding and tired and couldn't be less in the mood for the kind of sex that's on the menu here - hushed quickies on a pile of laundry while the baby naps - ugh no thanks!

I had to explain to DH that no sex is better for me than rubbish sex. He was really surprised to hear that, and we've been together for 20 years now! But apparently I'd never said it that baldly to him before. I think for him (and I guess the majority of straight men?) any sex is better than none... but I have no desire to lie back and think of England or whatever, and feel used and sad afterwards.

It's absolutely NOT that we have incompatible sex drives - I'm as horny as the next person under normal circumstances and we are very sexually compatible! It's just not where my head or energy is at now, temporarily (I hope!). I'm lucky that he hears me and is prepared to put a pin in that area for now (while taking care of himself I'm sure...) and wait for me to get my mojo back.

There is always an enthusiastic LTB contingent on MN and of course I'm not an advocate for staying with a shit who makes you miserable. But you obviously once loved this guy enough to have 3 kids with him and before you do anything drastic I'd encourage you to be honest with him, and with yourself, and try couples counselling first.

Best of luck and hope things get much better soon

Couples counselling is not appropriate in relationships where one or both parties are abusive.

Based on this snippet from OP, I would say her husband is controlling, jealous and abusive:

He is quite jealous and paranoid, i usually have to prove where i am if im haveing coffee with friends.

This isn't a libido thing, it's an abusive relationship thing.

If OP suddenly wanted to shag all the time enthusiastically he would no doubt accuse her of cheating and learning new moves from other men etc.

Abusers are abusers are abusers.

She shouldn't stay with him just because she has children with him.

I can't imagine being an adult and thinking I have the right to demand proof of another adult's whereabouts when they visit a friend for coffee. Or ever!

You've got 3 children and you think you should leave? Why is that?

Do you own or rent?

You need to get legal advice ASAP. Don't do anything to his schedule, get your ducks in a row.

He's awful. There's much better out there (if you want)

So he's shit in bed, coercive, a sulker and jealous.

Sounds hot.

Make sure you get good legal advice. Then after you've recovered, don't shag anyone who doesn't care if you enjoy it.

If you have to prove where you are when with friends I have a feeling that the ultimatum he has given you is to see if you will take the open relationship option and basically 'prove' to him you are with other people or want to be with other people

It’s really sad that you think this relationship is worth ‘saving’. Ensure you teach your kids about enthusiastic consent, autonomy, abusive behaviour types, so they don’t end up like this too.

If the sex isn't even pleasant then of course you're not going to be wildly mad for it. That proves yet again that you're not being unreasonable.

Eugh. What a turn off!!

I'd say ''we''ll split''.

Make sure he doesn't get 100% of the freedom while you're at home with 3 kids.

In the past, how how brought up the subject with you? I'm guessing he's spoken to you about this a few times, nothing changes and so his frustration has built up and he's issued this ultimatum.

I’m glad you have decided to split. This sounds unfixable.

I don’t think sex therapy or any therapy would ever work for a couple with this dynamic.

@Sillawithans yes he brings it up a lot and its usually by just saying an abrupt statement, about how i need to put out as he puts it. An then he goes on to remind me that his previous gf never "put out" for 2 weeks and he went elsewhere. Tbh i think a lot of the reason i dont want it now is because i dont find the way he talks about it appealing and that my view on him has changed. He wants sex like when we first met, in the honeymoon phase, before we had children and i was in my late teens. Im moving out next week