Ultimatum have sex, see other people or split?

[aginglikeafinewine]

Hi all, my husband of 11 years gave me an ultimatum. Either we have more sex, have an open relationship or split up?
background- 3 kids in primary school. I admit my sex drive is not that high, sometimes i do it just to please him and he will say i lay there like a sack of tatties, which i do because im not into it. In the past he has threatened often that i need to give it to him or he will go elsewhere. Then when i say we should split up he gets annoyed ? What would you do? i wasnt sure how to react?

As pp have said, he's not unreasonable to want more sex but he is very unreasonable to be issuing ultimatums that try to pressure/coerce you into having sex that you don't want. That's really grim and quite abusive.

Dp and I have different sex drives. We try to compromise. It works for us mostly although there are times when I feel like I'm missing out a bit. I would rather suck it up or leave the relationship than have sex with someone who wasn't into it though.

I think I would tell him to stick his ultimatum up his arse and fuck off while he's doing it.

It sounds like you've considered the options and decided on splitting up. All you can do is go forward with that even if he throws obstacles in your way. He's said before (sorry, paraphrasing your follow-up) that he wouldn't stay with you if there was no medical reason for you not wanting (much) sex? Be clear with him now: as far as you know there's no medical reason, but you still don't want it.

This isn't just an issue of mismatched sex drives, but of his ongoing attitude that you must change to accomodate him and you're "wrong" if you don't. He doesn't think he should sacrifice or compromise.

I think your're right to resist the "see other people" idea. It may work for some people, in a case where both people genuinely want it, but it's tricky. There was a post here recently from a woman who agreed to an open marriage (as a "least bad" option) when she was unable to have sex, and the husband fell in love with his new sex partner and wanted to continue both relationships. Not saying that WILL happen, but there's so much opportunity for things to get messy. You might find yourself five years on in an even more upsetting and difficult situation than you are now.

It would be interesting to agree to the open relationship and say you’re signing up to dating sites and see how he takes that. It works both ways but he’s not even thinking about you having sex with another man. If it was me I’d message back “I’m definitely up for discussing the open marriage idea. I’d like to explore having sex with other guys and girls. I’m going to see if I can find a date. Probably best if we do every other weekend? So you have the kids on a Saturday overnight while I go out and then vice versa?”
See how he likes those apples

@nocnoc when he said the open relationship option he more than likely was only thinking of himself. He is quite jealous and paranoid, i usually have to prove where i am if im haveing coffee with friends. T
his is due to previous relationship where he found out his partner was cheating. Its not something i would do or ever have done

Maybe the controlling insecurity is another reason you don’t fancy him anymore. Sounds far too stressful. Having to prove where you are? Nope. Move on. You’ll look back and be very grateful that you did. This relationship has run its course?

It's not going to work because he will never be happy with anything other than daily sex by the sounds of it. And it's not as if he is so good at it that, even when initially tired or not in the mood, you get into it and enjoy it. As someone else has already said, it has just become another chore. He doesn't seem to get it that 3 primary aged children = sleep is a priority most nights.
I would be certain that if you do separate and you meet someone else, your sex drive would come right back.
I don't know your financial situation so I never like to advise leaving if it genuinely wouldn't be possible, but I can't see this situation getting any better.

Oh so controlling and jealous too? No wonder you don't want to sleep with him. One of my exes cheated on me but I still trusted my future partners..otherwise I wouldn't have been with them. My last 2 long term exes were jealous. I had to change my behaviour because I couldn't be bothered with their reaction and even then they were still jealous and thought that I was up to no good and suspected lots of people of fancying me.

I am outgoing and friendly but also very loyal and very picky.

If you separated he would have to put a lot more effort into romance and sex with a new woman. The fact he isn’t trying to put any effort into making it good for you shows he is only interested in you as a hole to fill.

Geez he doesn't seem to have any good points.

I'd tell him there is no way he would let you have an additional sexual partner so he either shuts up or your split and put the responsibility back on him whilst you get your ducks in a row.

I can't think of any reason why you would want to have sex with someone who behaves like that. I've got the ick just from what you've written about him. He sounds totally self absorbed - and having to prove you're having a coffee with friends??

Well, whether he's right or wrong, he's set his stall out. This is clearly high priority for him, and he isn't going to continue the way things are. Your decision now is which option to take. Personally I'd say he should leave, as both of the other options have high likelihood of resulting in eventual separation anyway, so might as well bring it on and not prolong the misery.

Men like him see sex as something men do to women, not with women. Something women give men, not something they share with men mutually.

He's a pig. He's happy to have sex with someone he knows doesn't really want to and who is visibly not enjoying it. That is fucking vile. You're well rid of him.

I wouldn't want to shag an abusive bully either. Your libido may well change if you meet someone who treats you well. But even if it doesn't, you're best ending the relationship with this man. You're only in your 30s, don't waste any more years on him.

He is quite jealous and paranoid, i usually have to prove where i am if im haveing coffee with friends.

Only just saw this and it reinforces what I already thought. Fuck him off OP, end it as soon as possible because he is an abusive man.

@5128gap

Well, whether he's right or wrong, he's set his stall out. This is clearly high priority for him, and he isn't going to continue the way things are. Your decision now is which option to take. Personally I'd say he should leave, as both of the other options have high likelihood of resulting in eventual separation anyway, so might as well bring it on and not prolong the misery.

He's coercing her into sex by pestering her, moaning and sulking.

He's also abusive in other ways.

He is wrong.

You don't sound like you like him much. Anyone who uses the types of tactics he's doing to get sec would be a deal breaker and I'd end the relationship

You could say to him that you've thought about his ultimatum and you think you should go with the 'open relationship' and that it would do you good to sleep with other men and maybe it might kick start your libido.

Increased, not decreased, libido during peri-menopause is more common. I believe it is because there is an increase in testosterone (women have testosterone too). It's not you, it's him...

I would agree that your libido is probably decreased thanks to his sulking and coercion. Sex is transactional for him and he doesn't give a damn about pleasing you or how you feel.

I'm not sure I would want to stay with a man-child regardless. Does he sulk like this about other things?

If you want to stay with him, I agree with PPs, sex therapy is probably the answer. Don't let him treat you like a blow up doll. If things are going to change, he has to change too.

An open relationship is very hard to cope with emotionally. Unless he only ever has one night stands or pays for sex, he will probably become emotionally involved with someone else eventually. I wouldn't be surprised if he sees it as a way to try out the competition before he buys, a way to line up a replacement while you look after the DC...

Or you can split. You'll probably get your lidido back as soon as he's gone.

Have not read the thread, but his attitude and behavior seem awful :(

With respect to the options (and ignoring him!!), they seem fairly reasonable choices. It is really is up to you, which you prefer.

A lot of couples end up having to make similar choices. Luckily I split up with fiance many years ago over such an issue (his low libido). Easy when no kids thankfully!!

@aginglikeafinewine

also to ask. Should i have faked it? should i have pretended to enjoy it, im aware a few women do, but for me i think its a bit odd to pretend. Would that have made the relationship last?

No! It’s bad enough that you felt you had to do it to keep him quiet - coercion is actually a criminal offence.

But to then pretend you were into it would have destroyed your soul.

Sex can be the most beautiful and wonderful experience when both people want to please the other. If one of you is only in it for themselves it’s never going to be good.

FWIW I didn’t really want sex with my XH very often. It wasn’t even particularly that the sex was bad, it was good, but there was some festering resentment underlying the relationship that he’d never pulled his weight as a husband or a dad, so I just didn’t want to do it much.

One evening we were on a rare date night and I was thinking how nice it was that we’d gone out without the kids. He pulled the “if you don’t start having more sex I’ll have to find someone who will” line. I was totally blindsided.

We started spending a bit more time together in the daytime, going for bike rides together etc and I started feeling like it more often, to the point that maybe once a week I’d initiate it after we’d spent a bit of time doing something nice. Until at one point he said “we don’t have to do this EVERY time you know, it all just feels a bit contrived”.

It seemed that whatever amount of sex he was getting it didn’t matter, almost as if it wasn’t about the sex, but about being able to moan at me about it! It all tailed off again and I accepted that maybe I just wasn’t a very sexual person and had just been doing it to please him. We divorced.

Met DP shortly afterwards and started having the most mind blowing sex ever, he really cares about me enjoying it, spends up to an hour solely making sure I’m having an amazing time before the attention turns to him. He takes pride in being able to please me, and the sex is never transactional - it’s not something he does TO me, it’s a shared mutual experience where we both spend time doing what the other enjoys. He won’t even accept a courtesy handy if I’m not in the mood as it “doesn’t feel right”.

So while that may all be TMI, my point is, don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you, as I did. It may be that you just have a lower libido, or it may be that you just don’t want it WITH HIM!

I’d be tempted to go with the open relationship route just to teach him a lesson. But honestly, he sounds awful and you’d be better off without him in so many ways

Split up option for the win.

Dunno why you'd even consider the other options, he sounds grim.

Bloody hell @aginglikeafinewine he sounds like a right catch! not

Get out while you're still young, find someone who adores you, and start having mind-blowing sex!

The way you compromise in this relationship, over significant things like sex and jealousy etc is way way beyond any reasonable expectation. He cannot treat you this way. And you need to consider seriously finishing this relationship.

From all aspects, it does not sound like one I would compromise more to save

He is jealous and paranoid? Yes this definitely sounds like splitting

Why would you be the one who leaves though OP? What is the house/financial situation

OP the sex issue aside - you are in an abusive and controlling relationship.

For that alone you should leave.

It's not you. It's 100% him.

Hi OP,

Just wanted to give you a MN hug - sounds like the 2 of you are in a crap place.

Sex in a relationship is only as good as the communication in that relationship. He shouldn't be bullying and coercing you if he wants more sex; he should be seducing you, and flirting and complimenting and giving you the things that make your knees go weak...

Having said that in my own marriage we have been 'no sex' for the past few months at my request - our littlest is 10 months old and I'm breastfeeding and tired and couldn't be less in the mood for the kind of sex that's on the menu here - hushed quickies on a pile of laundry while the baby naps - ugh no thanks!

I had to explain to DH that no sex is better for me than rubbish sex. He was really surprised to hear that, and we've been together for 20 years now! But apparently I'd never said it that baldly to him before. I think for him (and I guess the majority of straight men?) any sex is better than none... but I have no desire to lie back and think of England or whatever, and feel used and sad afterwards.

It's absolutely NOT that we have incompatible sex drives - I'm as horny as the next person under normal circumstances and we are very sexually compatible! It's just not where my head or energy is at now, temporarily (I hope!). I'm lucky that he hears me and is prepared to put a pin in that area for now (while taking care of himself I'm sure...) and wait for me to get my mojo back.

There is always an enthusiastic LTB contingent on MN and of course I'm not an advocate for staying with a shit who makes you miserable. But you obviously once loved this guy enough to have 3 kids with him and before you do anything drastic I'd encourage you to be honest with him, and with yourself, and try couples counselling first.

Best of luck and hope things get much better soon

Just say you’ll go for the split up option. You obviously aren’t sexually compatible. He wants more sex than you (even if it’s not good sex for you) and sounds like he places it higher on his list of needs. The sulking and asking for more sex makes you want it less, he gets more desperate and expresses himself more clumsily and the cycle gets worse.