Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ultimatum have sex, see other people or split?

113 replies

aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 11:05

Hi all, my husband of 11 years gave me an ultimatum. Either we have more sex, have an open relationship or split up?
background- 3 kids in primary school. I admit my sex drive is not that high, sometimes i do it just to please him and he will say i lay there like a sack of tatties, which i do because im not into it. In the past he has threatened often that i need to give it to him or he will go elsewhere. Then when i say we should split up he gets annoyed ? What would you do? i wasnt sure how to react?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/11/2021 12:54

well whats he doing to make you want sex with him? Doesnt sound very erotic to have someone harrass you for sex and then hump you while you wait for it to be over. He sounds gross. Id take him up on the offer to split, but make sure he has the kids regularly so you can get your life back a bit too

TabithaTiger · 10/11/2021 12:55

In the past I would have said "try and make it work, compromise, look at what you can do to spice up your sex life and get in the mood."

Nowadays, I would say just split up. He'll never be happy and life's too short to go about trying to please whiney, sulking men. Ultimately, if he made you feel attractive and desirable, you would want to have sex with him. He clearly doesn't do that, so why should you put out just to please him? Get rid, you'll be so much happier.

me4real · 10/11/2021 12:55

i consented mainly to stop his grumping and moping around

This isn't true consent, he made you feel you had to do it to make your life bearable. The huffing and puffing is manipulative to make you feel you have to shag him.

if we have great sex one night, its forgotten the next day

He is trying to milk you for as much sex as you can get. He's maybe one of those blokes who thinks marriage means you should get sex on tap. Whatever you do, he'll still be trying to manipulate you into doing more. That's not ok, no one is entitled to sex, even in marriage, that's why marital rape is a crime in most of the Western world.

The walk thing was really obnoxious.

I imagine you feel very pressured sometimes. I had a lover like this and am so glad I dumped him, life's so much more relaxing.

mocktail · 10/11/2021 12:56

It sounds as if he wants sex to feel happy and loved, whereas you want to feel happy and loved in order to want sex. Both understandable but somewhat conflicting.

Have you told him honestly how you're feeling, how his demands and threats out you off more, and what you both need to do to make each other happy? Including compromise!

Summerfun54321 · 10/11/2021 12:56

Acting entitled when it comes to sex is such a huge turn off.

Sakurami · 10/11/2021 12:56

Nothing more offputting than being pressured.

Foreplay for women starts long before you get to the bedroom. If he was interested in doing things with you because he wanted to spend time with your was helpful, loving , affectionate and didn't pressure you, then I bet you would be all over him.

Men often moan that women's libido change but I think it is because they stop making an effort, intimacy (and I don't mean sex) stops or there is very little so women don't feel like having sex. Added to the fact that many don't pull their weight with kids and chores so there is resentment too.

Oh and also they don't know how to pleasure a woman.

Severntrent · 10/11/2021 12:56

Sounds like your marriage is dead anyway. You should both be able to talk through issues like this with love and respect for each other, but unless you're both(possibly him more so) prepared to work on better communication then its best just to split probably for both your sakes.

Severntrent · 10/11/2021 12:57

Foreplay for women starts long before you get to the bedroom. If he was interested in doing things with you because he wanted to spend time with your was helpful, loving , affectionate and didn't pressure you, then I bet you would be all over him.
Agree with this too.

Summerfun54321 · 10/11/2021 12:59

It’s pretty extreme to issue you with an ultimatum like that without even considering relationship counselling. He clearly thinks he’s not part of the problem.

Dillydollydingdong · 10/11/2021 13:04

I can see both sides. He's not being unreasonable to want sex. People of the male persuasion seem to need it more than we do (obviously a generalisation!). You aren't being unreasonable either. If your body doesn't want it, you shouldn't be guilt tripped into doing it just for him! There doesn't seem to be an answer. Maybe relationships have a built in expiry date and you should just accept it .

Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 13:06

i am reading all of your comments. Incase you think i have disappeared. So a few were asking if he cares about me enjoying sex, i would say not particulary its more for him.
A few asked if i had told him how a feel- 2 years ago we broke up, i told him how i feel and he apologised. We discussed things and everything was fine but now its al gone back to how it was. Im not blaming him, i think its both our faults.
Someone mentioned menopause- im in my 30s but this is something i worry about because i know a lot of women struggle. I actualy feel scared for how he would react during that stage of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 13:10

@Summerfun54321 he has always blamed me. To the point i have always believed im not good enough. He compares our relationship to other people saying they have been together x amount of years and do mit more.
He even made me go to the drs beacuse "there was something wrong with me" he told me if there is something wrong he will stay with me, but if there wasnt that he would leave because he needs sex. That was over a year ago that i went to the drs and there was nothing wrong with me. I was actually embarrassed to talk to the dr about why i was there, but thankfully she was very understanding

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 10/11/2021 13:10

Split up is what I’d be doing he’s a sex pest and it’ll get worst over time.

You’ve split up before do it again and don’t go back.

Dillydollydingdong · 10/11/2021 13:11

So when's he going to leave, OP?

Dullardmullard · 10/11/2021 13:12

Just seen your recent post never mind sex pest he’s abusive too

Get out now for your own mental health and sanity before it’s all eroded away.

Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 13:13

@Dillydollydingdong it would be me that would move out from here. I think we will dicuss it and i will start looking for somewhere to go

OP posts:
BornInAThunderstorm · 10/11/2021 13:14

“ So a few were asking if he cares about me enjoying sex, i would say not particulary its more for him.”

This would really be the end of it for me. He’s happy to have his end away whether it is good for you or not. You only get one life Op, cast this one loose and find a man who cares about your happiness too

Branleuse · 10/11/2021 13:14

i think he might be overestimating his market value, and with his attitude he isnt going to keep any woman interested in him sexually for long

Summerfun54321 · 10/11/2021 13:15

He sounds absolutely awful. Flowers

Original poster
aginglikeafinewine · 10/11/2021 13:18

also to ask. Should i have faked it? should i have pretended to enjoy it, im aware a few women do, but for me i think its a bit odd to pretend. Would that have made the relationship last?

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 10/11/2021 13:19
Flowers

OP there's nothing wrong with you beyond having a shot relationship. I'm really sorry.

FabulousMrFifty · 10/11/2021 13:20

@Dillydollydingdong

I can see both sides. He's not being unreasonable to want sex. People of the male persuasion seem to need it more than we do (obviously a generalisation!). You aren't being unreasonable either. If your body doesn't want it, you shouldn't be guilt tripped into doing it just for him! There doesn't seem to be an answer. Maybe relationships have a built in expiry date and you should just accept it .
I think this is kinda true and not true at the same time, men ( I think), are more ready to have sex more often, if that makes sense, but reading this forum, there are plenty of people of the female persuasion that like plenty of sex.

Either way, yes this relationship sounds dead, the way the guy is guilt tripping his wife into having sex, that’s terrible behaviour

TrufflesAndToast · 10/11/2021 13:22

This sounds like a horrible catch 22 situation. Have you considered couples therapy? I think you need to really talk through what’s going on here and he needs to understand how his behaviour is making the situation worse. If there’s any hope for the relationship to be saved it’s worth trying because there are three children involved in this. I’m not saying stay if it’s over, but maybe therapy can save the situation.

Sakurami · 10/11/2021 13:23

OP there is nothing wrong with you. He's an entitled, crap lover, sex pest. It's like if you got your sexual needs by bending him over and pulling his ear. It would be uncomfortable for him, annoying, would take time he would rather be resting, frustrating and not enjoyable for him. Would he do it?

I would tell him that 1) he's a crap lover and 2) he's a crap companion and 3) noone is attracted to anyone with whiny toddler tactics and 4) you're splitting.

BiLuminous · 10/11/2021 13:25

Reading all your comments, it's no wonder at all that you don't want or like sex with him.
He's not unreasonable to want it but the WAY he is going about it is all so very wrong.