Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

I'm late 40s and DP is 50s and we go out as a couple with other couples and separately with friends. I'm not entirely sure it's a generational issue, I wouldn't let a man tell me where I can and can't go either directly or indirectly now and I won't when I'm in my 50s, 60s, 70s ...

@VelvetRope212

It's interesting that so many posters on gete regularly go out separately; my older sisters do not, and that's not uncommon among people around our age (30s, 40s) here.

I'm in my '60s. It's not uncommon at all in my social group for members of couples to 'do their own thing' as well as do things together. My social group ranges in age from 40s-60s. Same thing goes for my DC and my nieces/nephews who are in their 20s/30s.

It's not a 'generational' thing. It's an insecurity/control thing.

Yes my husband goes out without me. I don't but that's because I don't have any friends.

I used too though and he had no problem when I went out with her on our own.

I think it's healthy for a couple to occasionally go out without each other. I also think it's ok if a couple want to always be together.... Providing both are happy with it.

It's the controlling behaviour that your boyfriend is showing that's the major problem.

@Gwenhwyfar

I see why people are saying 'red flag', but it really does depend how old he is. There are huge generational differences here.

It doesn't become less of a red flag because he's maybe of a different generation. People can have an opinion whatever their generation. People can agree to disagree. They can choose not to try to control their DP using endless negative comments and tension and repeating their own opinion over and over and over again in an attempt to wear them down. Essentially, people of any generation can choose to be nice to others and treat them with respect. Or they can choose to be controlling. Generation really has nothing to do with it.

I think a lot of people socialise together a lot. I love catching up with friends, meeting new people without my partner and they're not very social.

So you meet him a few months ago and he thinks you should give up your life as you lived it and do things his way now? Nah. I don't think so. He sounds awful.

It would be different if you both felt like this (still weird but not controlling) but you don't.

Deal breaker IMO.

I've been with dh many happy years. We're in our mid 50s. We go out together and separately. Our daughters do the same with their partners. They are all in their late 20s/early 30s.
I'd see it as controlling if any one of us or their partner/spouse announced that everything needed to be done together.
This man is telling you how he thinks a relationship ought to be. It's up to you whether you want to be with someone who holds such beliefs, but I think you need to be aware that he is setting his stall out, and will expect you to change your ways.
I think he's likely to get worse, and I would not stay with someone like him.

Do your older sisters live with, or at least near, their partners though? The extra odd thing here is that you live 40mis away from each other, so how the hell does he think it's ok to dictate what you do when you are not even with him . It's OTT when living together, it's ludicrous to think you should have any say when you don't. Carry on, as you were, either he gets used to it or needs binning off if he continues to give you grief over it.

I don't know anyone (all my friends are 30's,40's and 50's) who doesn't sometimes socialise seperately from their partners. Most of them do it a lot. Some of my friends have husbands and partners that DH doesn't have much in common with so we don't meet as couples much, I like being with my girl friends without DH (or their DHs) there, I like to do things on my own sometimes - so many reasons why what your partner is suggesting is odd to me.

Insecure & controlling. Very unattractive.
I would run for the hills.

Honestly, I have a rising feeling of claustrophobia just reading that bullshit.

Further note: DM is 69 and DF is 74. Mum goes out with her WI friends regularly. DF goes out only with DM. So DM's WI group gives her space away from DF. DM also has other friends she meets for dinner, theatre, or just a house party. DF has friends at the lawn bowls club but both he and DM attend at the same time.

DFiL (75) also goes out without his wife, usually to the pub, curry house or cinema with DH. DFiL and DH used to go to football matches together but DFiL is too frail now.

I don't think it is a generational thing. I think it's odd not to have time away from your partner.

Yes once/twice weekly, in fact we rarely go out together alone now since having DD...and it's nice to get away for a eve after work/toddler stuff.
I look forward to when we can go out for a nice posh meal together again or to the cinema at night! . I enjoy his company but we have different interests.

Very weird. I can't actually think of anyone who never goes out without their OH. Age is pretty irrelevant as that includes people up to their 80s!

All the time. Drinks, dinner, cinema, theatre, weekends away etc etc.

@EdmontinaDancesWithOphelia

He's only known you a few months and doesn't live with you but still thinks he has a right to tell you how to live your life.

Imagine the amount of rights he'd think he has to dictate her life if she did live with him!

Run for the fucking hills @VelvetRope212!

Honestly, suggestions and comments at the moment will likely lead to being told what to do/not to do later.

Putting aside that I think it's weird when couples don't ever socialise separately, he sounds controlling.

Yes and I think it's important to have time apart to be your own person. A month ago I went out for afternoon tea with a friend and tomorrow I'm travelling to a different part of the country to meet my another friend and her new baby. My husband is fully supportive of this and looks after ds so I can go.

To add to what everyone else has said I too don't know a single couple who go everywhere together. Not one, old or young. He sounds dodgy op.

@VelvetRope212

I think he has a genuine background/context because of his family/rural community; doesbt mean it can't be abuse though, I suppose.

It's not the activity that's the problem. You could have started a thread asking if anyone else likes to dance naked round the maypole at midnight in spring. Probably most people would say no. That doesn't mean it's wrong (ok so if the maypole was on the village green and not in your backyard then you might get arrested, but that aside...). The issue is he can't respect that you have a different opinion. The opinion could be about anything at all, it's irrelevant. His lack of respect is the problem, not the opinion or the activity. If your opinion is a deal breaker for him, he needs to walk away and end the relationship, not try to change you, controlling you by manipulating you, which is what he's currently trying to do.

Who cares what the rest of his rural area does? If they all enjoyed sacrifices to Satan would you be expected to join in with that too? It's ok to be different from others. It's ok to have your own opinions and live your life how you choose. If others don't like it, they're welcome to remove themselves from your life.

I'm late 30s, partner early 40s. We go out separately all the time. If he gave me any suggestion that I shouldn't, I would be out the door.

How do you know the rest of his family feel the same? Have you seen this to be the case or is this what he has told you?

I'm in my 30s and go out separately to my DH all the time, evenings, cocktails, meals out etc. I think your partner is weird.

"he's got all his family and, as far as I can see, most of the community around here, in the same boat; clearly making him feel normal and vindicated."

Do they all come from a small town in Connecticut which happens to be called Stepford?

OMG you have got to wonder if he actually did a survey. Nope he just wants you to do what he wants.

I have kids, I often go out without my husband and he looks after the kids and vice verser. Before kids we would often go out together, however if I was going to meet a friend for a catch-up he probably wouldn’t have gone as he really wouldn’t want to hear about the latest gossip etc. I guess I would have been a bit put out if he said he was going to a party and didn’t invite me along too? So to answer your question, yes we do go out separately, but there are occasions when the other person wouldn’t want to be there, and that’s fine and there are occasions when it might be considered rude if you didn’t invite the other person along.

I suppose she's making the point that the ones who cheat might not have had the same easy opportunity

If the only thing stopping you cheating is the reduced opportunity to actually, err, cheat, then you are setting the bar for fidelity really, really low.

I don't cheat on my partner because I don't want to, because I am happy together, not because he polices my every opportunity to get together with someone else.

DH is not able to get out much these days. I'm 61, DH mid seventies. He still encourages me to maintain all my existing activities. One of our pleasures is for me to come home and 'tell him all about it'.

If one of you becomes disabled, and can't go out, will he still expect you to only go out together?

your freedom to see your friends for anything more exciting than a walk or a coffee without your partner also being present.

It's really, really not even about what you are ´allowed' out for. The red flag for me is that he has some idea that only lack of opportunity stops you well, having sex with other people. Nothing else. How do you feel about that ?

I could not be in a relationship with someone who thought like that about me.

he doesnt seem to make any counter arguments ..... but, increasingly, I feeling this tension around it.

Yeah, because he knows if he said that out loud, you would notice how wrong it is. He is hoping to wear you down and get you to change your behaviour to 'please him'

Ugh.