Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

@Agapornis

Massively changes dynamics - I'd be SUPER annoyed if someone brought their partner every bloody time. I'm friends with them, not their partner!

I agree. I’ve had to step away from friendships because of this.

@VelvetRope212

I have spoken about it and said in my previous relationships we went out mostly together, but also went out separately.

By my actions I should I have no intention of stopping socialising (at night) .... hos reaction so far has been none to stoicism to occasional tension/criticism.

He also just seems to keep repeating that he hasbt and doesn't go out separately in relationships.

I have been very straight about past relationships including less than stellar behaviour and he seems to think that that demonstrates that its the wrong behaviour because they weren't "good" or successful relationships

Relationships aren't supposed to be this much hard work.

You seem to have different views on a fundamental issue, which is essentially your freedom to see your friends for anything more exciting than a walk or a coffee without your partner also being present.

I would suggest that you're not compatible and I'd encourage you to call it a day whilst it's still in the early stages.

Yes. And there's no way on earth I'd stop for a partner of a few months (or at all for that matter) Few things worse to do to friends is suddenly stop going out with them because a partner comes on the scene.

His choice of words is interesting, the would never do this has a rather moral ring to it, as if going out without your partner is somehow rather immoral. He doesn't mind you going out in the day but night is different because that's when you might meet other men!
This would grate on me Op, it's so old school, it lacks trust in you and suggests you're too silly to know other men might come on to you. You don't live together (good job too) so what you do when he's not around really isn't his business, is it?

@Agapornis

Massively changes dynamics - I'd be SUPER annoyed if someone brought their partner every bloody time. I'm friends with them, not their partner!

100% this!

I love my husband of 13 years dearly but dear God, one of the many things that keeps us sane as a couple is having separate interests. I go on holidays/weekends away with my girlfriends, stay at my parents, go out for dinner/drinks/ films etc with friends all without him.

Together we go to restaurants, city breaks, holidays, pubs, clubs, bars, theatre, comedy, restaurants. We don't both like lots of the same films - so the ones we both fancy seeing we go to together. If he wants to watch some whizz bang type film he goes with one of his mates and if I fancy an arty french film I go with a similarly minded mate. He doesn't overly like Indian food and I do but my parents love it - so if I'm visiting them without him we'll do that.

It genuinely blows my mind that this behaviour isn't the norm for a lot of people.

You don't live together, how does he even know what you do in the evenings, just go out and Don't tell him. What I would do is go out and the next night tell him what a great time I had going for a meal with 2 friends then going to a pub afterwards, if he reacts in a negative way you know he is a controlling bastard, it is not healthy to do everything together.
Don't let him move in with you by the way.

Initially I wondered if his objections were just when your other social life affected him and it was selfishness (not that it makes it OK anyway) but the reaction to the weekday drinks confirm it's rather more about judging and making you conform to his idea of what a partner does and doesn't do.

If you really do want to continue with the relationship then if it were me I would have to confront this now. I'd want to be clear that just because it's what HE "would never do" and that it's his "normal" from previous relationships and friendship groups, it IS normal for you.

Is he willing to change and accept there is a different way of being a couple that does not involve being glued at the hip? If not then it doesn't really matter why he is like this - whether just old fashioned and rigid in his opinions, or outright red flag controlling potential abuser - as it's the behaviour that matters not the motivations.

You sound sorted, independent, self aware and with a good social life. Why would you want to sacrifice all that for someone who creates tension, is distrusting and judges you whenever you want to do something on your own with other friends.

it's so old school

Actually he describes himself as old school, on this subject, I seems to be thrown in with the "I dont/wouldn't/have never gone out without my partner" quite a lot.

I get the impression that he sees separate socialising as some newish and foolish/inappropriate trend.

I have discussed this with him, as above i told him I always have, and indicated I think it's normal/fine abd I have the slightest intention of stopping. He appears to accept that, he doesnt seem to make any counter arguments ..... but, increasingly, I feeling this tension around it. Especially if i go out impromptu and doubly especially if I accept a social invitation on the night we usually see each other and ask to change it to eg Friday.

Don't let him move in with you by the way.

No danger of that, he has a much larger, much better located house he shares with his teenage kids.

@VelvetRope212

A man trying to tell me not to go out with friends would be single before he finished the sentence.

He doesnt.

He keeps saying "I would not ...".

But since there's increasing friction; I'm thinking that means "and you should not too".

And the next stage will be you "deciding" not to meet your friends "this time" because you're tired today and not in the mood for dealing with his attitude/comments/sulking/whatever other form his manipulation may take. And you won't even realise that this is his decision not yours and that you've been manipulated. If you lived together it'd be so much worse because except when you're at work or on the toilet you'd have no break from the constant digs about you going out. Until you stopped going out without him.

@VelvetRope212

it's so old school

Actually he describes himself as old school, on this subject, I seems to be thrown in with the "I dont/wouldn't/have never gone out without my partner" quite a lot.

I get the impression that he sees separate socialising as some newish and foolish/inappropriate trend.

I have discussed this with him, as above i told him I always have, and indicated I think it's normal/fine abd I have the slightest intention of stopping. He appears to accept that, he doesnt seem to make any counter arguments ..... but, increasingly, I feeling this tension around it. Especially if i go out impromptu and doubly especially if I accept a social invitation on the night we usually see each other and ask to change it to eg Friday.

This is how coercive control works.

They don't say "I forbid you from going out alone" , they behave exactly as you describe to try and make it so awkward or uncomfortable that you stop.

In all my relationships I've gone out with my friends/family just as much as I went out with my partner/husband - but I'm an independent person with my own likes/needs and I want to be with a similar person, I don't need a passenger in my life

I see why people are saying 'red flag', but it really does depend how old he is. There are huge generational differences here.

"I find couples that are always together to be… odd"

Yes, but do you make allowances for new relationships?
There's a couple in a group I'm who'll say something like 'we're not coming because x has a sore ankle' so x doesn't need to be looked after, but if one isn't going, the other one doesn't either and I find that a bit...

"But thats just generally how things plan out as most of my friends are busy mums so kids, work etc factors in so a night out just the girls, is pretty rare.
When it does happen though DP is fine with it. Usually would pick me up so I can drink etc. Same with him, he does probably more on his own as men appear to have more free time/less to organise, lol."

Ah, so you can only go out separately in groups of people all of the same sex as you?

All the time! DH doesn't really enjoy going out and is happy sitting at home having a beer. We live next door to both his brothers and have friends visit regularly so he's always got company. I go out to see my friends at least twice a week, sometimes with the DC, sometimes without.
Prior to DC he'd often find me in the pub with my all male friends after work, no problems and no questions asked.

Some couples just feel they have to morph into 1 and joined at the hip.

Big no from me .

What ever you do don't changed or sack him off .

My partner is 56 I am 57, there is absolutely nothing “old school” about him. We go out separately a lot, none of this sniffiness that you are describing OP. How old is he? I think he is hiding his coercive control behind his age. Just get on with what you are doing with one eye on his behaviour. Anymore of this awkwardness and think it’s time to step away.

It's interesting that so many posters on gete regularly go out separately; my older sisters do not, and that's not uncommon among people around our age (30s, 40s) here.

I went out for dinner with my friends last weekend. A few days before, DP went to see the new Bond film with his mate. No issues at all on either side.

There is no way I would ever tolerate a man telling me, or suggesting to me, or hinting to me that he didn’t want me to go out without him. I would take that as a massive flashing red flag and he would be out on his arse.

Yes, I’m late 40s, been married for 16 years, two DDs. I go out with my friends without my DH every so often. Also spend nights away plus the occasional weekend aboard!

@litterbird

My partner is 56 I am 57, there is absolutely nothing “old school” about him. We go out separately a lot, none of this sniffiness that you are describing OP. How old is he? I think he is hiding his coercive control behind his age. Just get on with what you are doing with one eye on his behaviour. Anymore of this awkwardness and think it’s time to step away.

45.

Maybe he is; but he's got all his family and, as far as I can see, most of the community around here, in the same boat; clearly making him feel normal and vindicated.

Even his teenage daughter is complaining aboit losing her friend now she's got a bf.

He also just seems to keep repeating that he hasbt and doesn't go out separately in relationships.

I had one of these. It won't stop until you "decide" to "agree" with his opinion. You might even manage to convince yourself that he's right and you do agree. It still won't change the fact you've made a "decision" on the basis that it will appease him and stop his negativity towards you ie you've been manipulated.

If you want proof it'll never stop, lay down a line in the sand. Next time he says it, tell him yes, you know, you've heard his opinion on the subject many times and you disagree with him, so you don't want to hear his opinion on the subject ever again. Then, just for curiosity sake, pay attention to how long it takes him to cross that boundary. Because he will. Probably in his next breath.

He's not available during the week due to childcare
an impromptu drinks thing during the week was also an issue

So it's not even about you prioritising him, he's getting annoyed by the fact that you're going out, when he's not even available to see you. So he's actually telling you - in the evenings you go out with me, or not at all. If it's not with me, you stay home.

Forget what words he's saying to dress this up nicely, he's telling you the above. This is not healthy or normal.

What does "tension" and "issues" mean OP?

I'm 45, my DP is 60. We go out separately quite often. He has lots of friends so we also socialise with them together. I have less friends so tend to go out one on one, or with my friends friends as well. He has never had a problem with it, just like I don't mind if he goes out with his friends. If he did have a problem I wouldn't be with him. I had enough shit with my ex, as although he never said anything he always got grumpy if I went out with friends. And he never ever went out.