Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

@VelvetRope212

What about when you want to meet up with your friends or catch up with one individual friend? Is he meant to tag along or something, that seems so weird to me.

I guess he thinks i should see them for lunch/coffee/walk etc.

The dynamic of your friendships is not for him to decide. It's between you and your friends.

@Gwenhwyfar

I see why people are saying 'red flag', but it really does depend how old he is. There are huge generational differences here.

No it doesn’t . I have many friends in their 70s who socialise without their partners.

It’s not a generational thing - it’s a controlling thing.

He lives in a different world! Presumably, a weird one.

Why is it causing friction? Is he actively stopping you? In which case yes I'd say it's an issue. But my parents never went out in the evening without the other, and thought it really odd that dh and I do go out with separate friends. So I guess it's what has been modelled for him in the past. I should add that neither of my parents were controlling in anyway, they just always went everywhere as a couple as did all their friends. I think as he's mid forties it's unusual, and he needs to change his mindset, otherwise I'd be worried about control issues.

How do you know what most of the community where he lives does?

Where are you @VelvetRope212 ?
That people do not go out with friends once they have a partner or boyfriend?

Utah? Saudi Arabia? An Amish village?

He's 45 - it's not a 'generational' thing , my DPs frequently went out/away without each other ... right up until my DF became ill in his late 80s. Quite honestly it's good that they were used to socialising independently now that my DM is widowed.

DH and I are in our 60s, we always 'do our own thing', in fact we rarely socialise together as we enjoy doing different things ... I could not tolerate this behaviour ... why are you still with him?

Is am 55 and me and my 55 year old friend are going for dinner Thursday night.
I'm away at the weekend with my grown up kids.
I could not be in someone's pocket all the fine.
Weird and controlling.

@VelvetRope212

I get the impression he thinks single people go out socially alone, but people in relationships do not; and are acting like they're single if they do.

Insular, co-dependent, needy AND judgemental. What's not to like?

This one's a keeper OP! Throw away your independence with a glad cry - soon you shall be the chattel of a man with odd views & "potential coercive controller" printed on his forehead.

"Acting like they're single" FFS. What a fucking weirdo.

Of course I go out without DH, because that’s normal and healthy! He goes out without me too.

He’s 45? Quite odd to say it’s a ‘generational’ thing. He’s 45, for goodness sake. It’s a ‘him’ thing.

Can’t imagine DH sitting there on one of my ‘mums’ nights out. That would just be weird…

Goodness I went out loads, as did my husband. And even more so if not living together! Even now I'll invite the girls round and do not want their partners - it's a totally different thing having them around. There were some things I was into that would have bored my husband to tears and vice versa - I live Christmas Fairs, he loved cricket. I respected he had different interests to me, and having doing stuff independently seems very healthy to me.

@VelvetRope212

it's so old school

Actually he describes himself as old school, on this subject, I seems to be thrown in with the "I dont/wouldn't/have never gone out without my partner" quite a lot.

I get the impression that he sees separate socialising as some newish and foolish/inappropriate trend.

I have discussed this with him, as above i told him I always have, and indicated I think it's normal/fine abd I have the slightest intention of stopping. He appears to accept that, he doesnt seem to make any counter arguments ..... but, increasingly, I feeling this tension around it. Especially if i go out impromptu and doubly especially if I accept a social invitation on the night we usually see each other and ask to change it to eg Friday.

By my actions I should I have no intention of stopping socialising (at night) .... hos reaction so far has been none to stoicism to occasional tension/criticism.

Don't worry OP, he'll soon escalate to a point where you'll see him for what he is. Stop looking for reasons, like traditional family or rural background - & start being very straight with yourself about where your boundary is. Plenty of strong, intelligent women have been suckered into controlling relationships like this. The pattern is usually along the lines of -

He's 'insecure' cos his previous g/f ... etc
He's just "old school" about partners never socialising apart
He doesn't like socialising without me
He "just prefers" that we go out together, & thinks I ought to mirror his preference
He "worries" about me & gets anxious if he doesn't know where I am
When I meet my women friends, he tells me HE doesn't go out without me
When I'm out without him, he likes me to text every hour so he doesn't "worry"
He doesn't like thinking that other men might hit on me - it's just because he loves me so much
There is "tension" when I raise the subject of a night out without him
He causes "friction" if I go out on my own
He was angry when I got home
He gave me the silent treatment for 3 days
He says he won't prevent me going out, but the sulks & bad temper make me wonder if it's worth it
He says my best mate Mary is bad news, & I should see less of her
He said my mum told him something nasty about me, & doesn't have my best interests at heart, like he does
He's angry that I have a weekend work trip, & thinks I'm having an affair
He asked me what took so long at the supermarket
He hid my car keys
He sabotaged my work promotion
He grabbed & twisted my arm because he said I was eyeing up a man in the restaurant

... you get the picture OP.

Knowing what you refuse to accept now is all well & good but the escalation palaver above tends to scramble a person's brains. Often so much that they no longer recognise they are being manipulated & controlled.

Keep a part of yourself back, & don't just hold on to your boundary - defend it with all your might, & every time he remarks about going out separately, make sure you let him know that you find his attitude ridiculous & will not tolerate it for a moment.

PS I live more rurally than maybe 95% of the UK population. We are all very capable of socialising solo. I'd also put money on being your b/f's senior by a decade or 2 & have no problem going anywhere on my own. Don't accept this bullshit as a rationale for his suffocating behaviour.

Stop justifying his behaviour, coercive control begins in exactly this way. It isn’t old school thinking either, it’s him attempting to exert his wishes. DH and I are happily married, our youngest is still school age but we’ve socialised together and separately throughout our marriage of almost twenty seven years. I think it’s healthy.
I love going out with DH and as a family but also enjoy the freedom of getting away from it all with friends, male and female. I’ve just returned from a week’s holiday with a friend who is single. It didn’t mean we were out ravaging the locals while we were away. It was time spent recharging our batteries after a tough couple of years. I neither sought nor required DH’s permission.

I would not be continuing this relationship this is pretty controlling v early on

When are you supposed to talk about him? Or stuff you don't want him to know? - but then that's his point isn't it?

Someone who's already comfortable being this coercive and controlling will only get worse.

Totally agree

Shopping or lunch in the daytime, he appears no problem with.

Yet!

Re labelled status at this point for me it would be "someone I'm dating" and like hell would they be telling me what to do!!

If he's mid 40's this is who he is he won't change. Has he had ltr before and how/why did they end? Is he still friendly with exes?

Your sisters being the same as him doesn't mean they're not also unusual

He keeps saying "I would not ...".

But he means

"I don't want you doing that"

It's also a red flag that he doesn't want to socialise with his friends without you, means he expects you to fulfil the majority of his needs

I had friends that drove my then dh nuts, he had friends I thought were arses - why would we want to spend time with people we actively disliked? And certainly I would never give up friends for any relationship! Fuck that!

He won't leave his teens home alone of an evening? How old are they? Is he the resident parent?

If he's an nrp then I can understand he's wanting to spend time with his kids while he can. If he's an rp that sounds like he's controlling with his dc too!

Are they allowed out of an evening without him ?

It's hard to describe but he speaks about not going out separately in past relationships, and that being his norm, as if is competely normal; and a positive thing.

Relationships that have now ended...so the best that can be said is they were different relationships with different people, the worst that they ended BECAUSE he was controlling and lacked independence

Whether someone cheats or not will happen regardless of circumstance! I used to get people asking did I not worry when ex was deployed...when he did cheat it was with ndn! On the surface at this time he only went to work and came home and was home with me and dd of an evening... in reality (they worked together) they were shagging in empty offices in lunch hours!

If someone is gonna cheat they'll find a way!

I've also spent most of my life living rurally and live in a rural community now that's a red herring! Indeed with the crappy public transport and lack of babysitters if anything people rarely go out as a couple esp when the kids are little.

Where I am it's a "thing" that the women all go to one house for a "girls night in" and the men same for a "lads night in" on separate nights over the weekend. Not always the same nights and not every weekend but you get the idea.

hos reaction so far has been none to stoicism to occasional tension/criticism.

This early on that is deeply worrying

I have been very straight about past relationships including less than stellar behaviour and he seems to think that that demonstrates that its the wrong behaviour because they weren't "good" or successful relationships

If he can't accept your past - which has made you the person you are now - then he doesn't accept you totally

It's not "old school" at all, it's same old controlling bullshit SOME men have employed for millennia but it's not what all men do. My grandad on dads side and my dad were like this - controlling, possessive, unsociable men. My uncles, my grandad on mums side absolutely not! The other men I know of various ages/generations decent, ACTUALLY confident men are not like this.

Weak, insecure, bullies ARE

I’d feel suffocated.

Bf’s may come and go but friends should be cherished.

What happens if you split up and you’ve lost the friends? Don’t do it. I would think less of a friend if I became less important because a new bf was on the scene.

I used to have a friend who would always bring her DH whenever we had a ‘girls night’. It drove us all nuts. We’d meet up for a take away and he’d be there. It totally changed the atmosphere and meant we couldn’t talk as freely, and the thing is, we didn’t dislike him. We just didn’t want him on every night out.

Yes my husband goes out without me. I don't but that's because I don't have any friends.

Maybe if you join some evening classes or craft group or walking group (presuming you havent already).

Thank you everyone for your perspectives, much appreciated.

@Gwenhwyfar

I see why people are saying 'red flag', but it really does depend how old he is. There are huge generational differences here.

Nope, there's really not. Loads of older men don't behave like that. Old school is code for controlling

@DiamondBright

How do you know what most of the community where he lives does?

I've noticed it from doing a sport there for quote a while, then reinforced by what I experienced while there every weekend (and once on the weekday); it is a very ..... traditional, conservative, insular sort of community where everyone still seems to ve vying to win the unofficial respectability & moral superiority competition against background of centuries of Catholic church dominance. They seem to make a performance art out of family oriented-ness and prioritisation, esp the women.

This is ROI obviously- I was reluctant to affect the thread by mentioning it, just to get neutral responses. I find if you mention ROI here, a lot of English posters wash their hands of it (not not a bad way, just in a "different culture, not sure I can really relate" way, and the only people left commenting are Irish/Northern Irish residents and ex pats (or first generation).

My mum is in her 80s and has always gone out with her friends and still does.
It's an attitude thing.

Don't fall into the trap of asking his permission either. Something was niggling at me so I've re read your posts. The bit about mentioning you'd like to do xyz so can you change the day/night you usually see him that week. That's so close to asking permission to go out with your mates. You should be telling a DP (even one you live with, if there's no DC to negotiate looking after) that you've got plans (not that you'd like to make plans) for eg Saturday but you're available Friday and Sunday this week and ask if he wants to meet at those available times. It's a subtle difference but an important one. Your boundaries aren't quite strong enough, which is why you're on here asking if you're being unreasonable instead of being outraged by his behaviour and dumping his sorry arse.

To refer the above back to the thread subject; I get the strong impression "good" wives are not expected to be out socially without their husbands, and going one step back from that; "good" girlfriends would be doing it from when they "go steady" either.
This would be expected to some degree of men too.

So that's his context, not saying its right. Just presumably why he is so convinced he's right.

Oh and sorry; I shouldn't have just said English posters, obviously there are other countries within the UK .. I mean non-Irish/Northern Irish posters.

Reading the latest posts, and I feel like you are justifying his opinion, but you would never have posted this if you felt it was normal/right.

Put yourself in a friends shoes if they said this to you, and what you'd tell them to do. My guess is you'd tell them its red flags and to be careful. But no doubt you'll ignore the signs as its easier too.

Good luck to you.