Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

and why is he so insistent on you being available on his 'free' nights ( for sex ?)

Is say its equally or more loneliness abd inclination to depression. He has teenagers running in and out but theyre all doing their own thing, and even if they weren't, that type of company is not the same as SO/partner company.

I also stave off loneliness and inclination to depression with spending sat-sun with him; if I have the option, I always go there (and I always seem.to gave the option because he always gives it) perhaps that does make him feel shunted aside/dropped if a girls night out or social.occasion with people people doesnt know crops up and I'm like "see you on Fri or Sun or not at all". (Though that's not it all, that's not his only problem with it).

So it sounds as if he objects to you going out without him when on the nights that you don't stay together? Why should it matter to him how you spend your time when he' s in another place? How does that work - do you have to ask his permission? Do you get sulks for a week if you don't do as he asks? Why would you put up with that? and what happens if you do move in together, are you expected not to have any kind of social life or interests that you can do without him? I couldn't stand that, I need my freedom and autonomy.

It all sounds like he’s incredibly controlling and stifling.
I couldn’t be in a relationship like this. I go out without DH, he goes out without me, we go out together. He’s my DH not my jailer.
Just no!!

Very controlling. Red flag. The fact you can't see this is worrying.

Yes. I go out without DH. I go on holiday abroad and I go to London because he doesn't like either. It's something I have had to really stand my ground on. But I love them, so I go!

All the time. Toddler DC so honestly go out more separately than together. But went out without a lot even before DC. Regularly go away with friends for a night without him & occasionally on week long holidays.

I’d rather be single forever than with someone like this.
I don’t know anyone like this either, and I have friends of all ages.

Sounds ridiculous and borderline controlling! I always go out with my friends without my partner, as does he, and my ex husband. Why would my partner want to come out with me and three girlfriends for a meal and a free drinks? Same as I have no desire to go out with him snd his friends to go to the pub to watch a football match!
I do not know one person who is in this situation and if I did, I'd be concerned about the sort of relationship they were in.

Yes I go out with friends for evening drinks, tea out etc. i suspect he's controlling op, red flag!!! Xx

But it doesn't matter what the norm is for him OP, it's about you.

Presumably you have been single for a while and have been socialising with friends - so carry on! In fact I think that spending all weekend with him every weekend is really stifling.

fwiw everyone I know, married or otherwise, goes out without their OHs. I did when I was married, and I have dated since my marriage ended, and would go out alone without my bf. They would too (well the one who was controlling would try to come to my night's out actually).

Just because it's what he expects, you don't need to do it.

Yes I go out a couple of times a month without my dh and I have around 2/3 weekends away with friends on my own.

I think it's odd and unhealthy if you don't have friends or activities outside of your primary relationship

I also stave off loneliness and inclination to depression with spending sat-sun with him

But you're "not allowed" to stave off loneliness and depression by seeing other friends midweek, when he's not available. In that instance he expects you to sit at home, possibly feeling lonely and depressed. But to him that is preferable to you going out. Do you see how one-sided this is?

I can understand him being disappointed not seeing you on a weekend, but any emotionally mature adult would squash that disappointment and be happy for you, the only time it would cause issues if it was every weekend. It's really not your job to fix his loneliness or depression. If he's unhappy then he should be trying to fix it himself. Maybe if he did have friends he could go out and socialise with he wouldn't be lonely and verging on depression.

@Dora26

Red flag. Would drive me nuts!

This 👆🏽

A friend of mine always brings her DP to our meet ups. He's not interested and I don't massively enjoy catching up with girl talk in front of him. The threesome is just odd.

In my circle of friends it is perfectly normal to go out without your partner... and that includes going to pubs and clubs.
I'm 40 and DH is 50 and we regularly go out on our own.

@VelvetRope212

What are you going to do? Can you see how unhealthy this is in a relationship. Are you going to go along with it?

It's perfectly normal, not to mention healthy, to go to pubs, clubs, holidays without some jealous insecure man-child tagging along.

@ScrumptiousBears

A friend of mine always brings her DP to our meet ups. He's not interested and I don't massively enjoy catching up with girl talk in front of him. The threesome is just odd.

Do you talk to her about it? I wouldn't go

@reader12

He sounds like a nob. I’d be really straight with him that this is how you want to life your life and you won’t tolerate being judged, criticised to treated weirdly because of it. And that he can either accept that and get over himself, or you can break up. His choice.

This

Massive red flag.

@NadiaVulvokov

Massive red flag.

This

@ScrumptiousBears, my dsis used to do this with another one of her boyfriends. I told her to stop doing it because it was annoying me.

@ferrypenguin

🚩 🚩🚩🚩

Of course you don't stop having your friends and hobbies when you meet someone.

Head for the hills

Just to clarify, as several posters have said similar he doesbt appear to have the slightest problem with hobbies or friends in the daytime and not involving drinking - it's evening/night time socialising (usually inv ing alcohol) that he appears to be against.

So I could quite easily only see friends for coffee, walk, lunch, hobbies etc -but I don't see why I should fkg have to. I don't like having such rules over me, it feels controlling and stifling. And atm many of the invites from women I met through a sport hobby thing ard evening; and why should should have to turn them down, why should I have to sit in my house e on mh own when I could be out?
I'd guess his answer might be that I don't have to sit on my own, I could come to his any time, but i find want to be stuck in the middle of his household all the time, I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, i dint want to only have a social life/company through one person or small group.

If this isn't resolved, the relationship can't continue.

Just to add, he appears to see my behaviour as a lack of commitment; that cropped up during our "discussions". He genuinely seems to see it as is acting like a single girl and therefore not being committed.
Evidently plenty of you guys and your partners do not see it that way.

As I said, I've noticed his wider family and even community seem to see things similarly; and I know others who are the same (my sisters as i said, do not socialise at night without their partner's or weekends away, or holidays etc. but are they just weird/dysfunctional too?). When you're surrounded by it (and when you've experienced female friends either disappearing or never socialising without their boyfriends once they get into relationships) you start to wonder if it's you.