Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

Is it the alcohol he has a problem with OP?

You're an adult and he's not your dad. He doesn't get to approve some outings and veto others.

On a normal week, I’ll spend one evening with friends. Over the course of a few months, one weekend away without dh.

I have friends who are my friends. They’ve met dh but we’re a group of female friends and it would be weird to meet with him (and the other partners) there. He has his own friends too.
I wouldn’t stay with someone who wasn’t happy with this.

@PinkFizz1

Is it the alcohol he has a problem with OP?

It seems to be evening/night-time situations he had a problem with, which usually involve alcohol. Though I can he seemed super comfortable with a festival that was day and night (and obviously involved alcohol). Ironically I'm a light drinker.

My impression is that it is the combination of alcohol and the opposite sex and what he perceives as a pulling environment/dynamic; as posters have said uptrend, some people seem to see out at night at bars, clubs, festivals as singleton, pulling scenes.

The very going out to them seems to make him think you're "acting" single and not showing respect or commitment to your relationship; I genuinely believe he thinks hes being mistreated.

That's what I've got through discussions and reading between the lines.

Oh and on the subject of house parties, (which by your late 30s in my social group generally consist of couples drinking wine etc) he commented; "everyone knows what house parties are like - drinking and copping off and going to bedrooms etc".

Maybe when you a teenager/twenty something .

everyone knows what house parties are like - drinking and copping off and going to bedrooms etc

We have house parties regularly. Yes, the drinking happens but not the other stuff!!

Does he not trust you? That would be my question.

That really isn’t what happens at the house parties I’ve been to
Maybe it’s like when men assume female only sleep overs are all pillow fights in your underwear..,

Oh and on the subject of house parties, (which by your late 30s in my social group generally consist of couples drinking wine etc) he commented; "everyone knows what house parties are like - drinking and copping off and going to bedrooms etc".

So he doesn't trust you, doesn't trust you not to 'cop off' doesn't trust you not to get drunk and not have sex with another man?
I guess you can't say no either, being a silly little woman who can't control herself or say no to any man who propositions you.

Sorry op but I was in a relationship like this and it's stifling, they chip away at you and before you know it, you're turning down invites because you know you'll get a hard time. You lose out on fun nights out with friends, friends drift away because you keep declining invites. It's not healthy, his attitude isn't healthy.

@VelvetRope212

Oh and on the subject of house parties, (which by your late 30s in my social group generally consist of couples drinking wine etc) he commented; "everyone knows what house parties are like - drinking and copping off and going to bedrooms etc".

Maybe when you a teenager/twenty something .

He's judging you by his own standards! Because that's what he would do, he assumes you would!

The more you write, the less it sounds like you are at all compatible in terms of life stages, lifestyles and attitudes.

He is a mid-40s single parent (divorced? widowed?), rather set in his ways and with a very conservative attitude to social life; you are a 30-something single woman (no children?) with a wide circle of friends and interests and an active social life. He thinks you should spend every evening with him, or him plus his teenage children. Is that really what you want out of life? It sounds stifling and claustrophobic to me.

@VelvetRope212

Oh and on the subject of house parties, (which by your late 30s in my social group generally consist of couples drinking wine etc) he commented; "everyone knows what house parties are like - drinking and copping off and going to bedrooms etc".

Maybe when you a teenager/twenty something .

That's clearly the last time he went to one.

Seriously, OP, can you be arsed having 'tension' every time you dare to want to see a mate on a weekend night?

Forthright conversation time. Make clear you are a) not out on the pull and b) unimpressed that he seems to think you are.

@exexpat

The more you write, the less it sounds like you are at all compatible in terms of life stages, lifestyles and attitudes.

He is a mid-40s single parent (divorced? widowed?), rather set in his ways and with a very conservative attitude to social life; you are a 30-something single woman (no children?) with a wide circle of friends and interests and an active social life. He thinks you should spend every evening with him, or him plus his teenage children. Is that really what you want out of life? It sounds stifling and claustrophobic to me.

His children are rarely in, and Im not getting offered to spend every night with him/at his house (I think if I asked he'd certainly be willing but i don't want to get into that situation); he just seems to be extremely uncomfortable with me socialising separately in night time, bar type scenarios.

He keeps saying he wouldn't, ive said I would get care if he did, he's free to; then he just looks nonplussed/uncomfortable. He wouldn't have anyone to go out with. Maybe his relative but he (see above about the community thing) doesnt really go out at night. He could go on his own, men have tht privilege, esp in small bars in amall towns like his; but i don't think think that appeals to him.

I only have a circle of acquaintances to socialise with regularly now because I joined a hobby and met some through it. Before that j was stuck in once or twuce a year land with acquaintances who don't don't near me anymore.

@VelvetRope212

Oh and on the subject of house parties, (which by your late 30s in my social group generally consist of couples drinking wine etc) he commented; "everyone knows what house parties are like - drinking and copping off and going to bedrooms etc".

Maybe when you a teenager/twenty something .

Your boyfriend seems to confusing house parties which in my experience involve nothing more than drinking, possibly a little low-key dancing, occasional coke, and the smokers camping out in the garden with swingers' parties.

Yes, the last time I was at a house party that involved people vanishing into bedrooms I was an undergraduate. These days people vanish into bedrooms at parties to check their baby is still asleep when the music volume goes up.

(Don't live near me anymore)

My first boyfriend was like this - the reason he's an ex!!

Just to add, he appears to see my behaviour as a lack of commitment; that cropped up during our "discussions"

OP I know you are attributing a lot of this to the Craggy Island vibe - but he is a grown man with access to modern information & a whole world of people he could explore. He chooses not to. So he's never going to break out of that mindset, is he?

Don't make the age-old mistake of "I'll change him".
You won't.
He will change you.
The power dynamic, if you want to be with him, is against you - social, familial, all those Handmaidens following the rules & disapproving of you for being different.

Evidently plenty of you guys and your partners do not see it that way.

Of course we don't, because we are not bigots who think disgustingly misogynistic thoughts about women not being "allowed" independence.

He genuinely seems to see it as is acting like a single girl and therefore not being committed.

He's either irrevocably brainwashed, or a bit thick then.
Do either of those options appeal OP?
Are you with him because he's the best fish this very small pool can offer you?
I'd rather have no man than wrong man That doesn't need to be your choice - but please keep your guard up, because the slow death by 1000 cuts this dynamic sets you up for is almost impossible to protect oneself from, no matter how strong & smart you are.

Whenever he says "well I wouldn't" just say "I know" and change the subject. Just don't engage.

I genuinely believe he thinks hes being mistreated.

Of course he does.
He has a very narrow way of viewing the world. He, & people like him, are the only arbiters of acceptable social behaviour. Any departure from what he & his community deem acceptable is a personal affront.

As PP have pointed out - he is already escalating the severity of how he expresses his disapproval. Soon, he will start actively punishing you for your wilful disobedience. Guaranteed. Be careful OP.

Run and run fast

All abusers hold beliefs that justify their behaviour to themselves.

That doesn't make being coercive and controlling any less abusive.

Rapists believe they are entitled to rape. It's still rape.

The point is not whether other people might happily make a free choice to live a certain way, it's that you don't and instead of respecting that his reaction is to become increasingly coercive and controlling to try and bring you in line.

That's abusive and unacceptable.

You can't build a healthy relationship from there.

Does he not trust you? That would be my question.

& it's a good question @SpinsForGin - but I suspect he would find it irrelevant, because for him it's not about trusting your g/f - it's about owning her, so that he never has to consider the trust issue.

He absolutely believes that when a woman stops being single, she signs herself over as a chattel & is not longer Allowed Out.

Some men would rather control a woman that trust her. There are the men who believe that "their" woman is a possession, which they must jealously guard against the predations of other men.

DH and I only really go out without each other, but we have 2 young kids and no family childcare so rely on each other to stay at home with the kids,

but, actually, even before kids, we would go out mostly without the other.

I wonder if I'm being selfish/headstrong/unreasonable

Have you ever heard a man described as 'headstrong'? Thought not. If just doesn't happen, because it is a word used to suggest that women are somehow wrong to want a say in their own existence.

My parents, born 1920's, would recognise his traditions as you describe them.

It would not work for me. It's important to me to be financially and socially independent, to be an equal partner and to have a say in how things work.

it feels controlling and stifling

If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck ...

I think it sounds more worrying and controlling with every post OP. He's already making an issue about you going out. In time you'll just stop doing it because you don't want to rock the boat.

Its just mad to think that you'll be shagging people if you go round to their house. In what world does that happen anyway? Like a PP says, you're attributing this to the Craggy Island vibe, when really you should be attributing it to the Controlling Man vibe.

I not only regularly go out without my partner, I also go abroad a couple of times a year totally on my own. He also goes out without me. We are both in our early 50s and far too old to go in for juvenile controlling games with the other.

Someone who is determined to cheat will do so - I should know, I cheated on my last husband. My now partner still trusts me and I him.