Telling a woman about her husband’s gay affairs...

[saturnaliand]

First off, I don’t actually intend on telling her anything, although I could.

I guess I’d be interested in knowing if you’d want to know if this were your man?

The man I’m referring to is middle-aged and was upfront with his wife from the beginning that he’d had gay relationships and she was ok with this in a kind of ‘as long as you tell me and do not lie’ kind of way. That’s easy to agree to when you’re young, in love (with a woman you want to marry) and not intending on doing anything with anyone else, male or female.

It’s harder when you’re older, children almost grown up, sex life with the wife non-existent and you were gay to begin with. This isn’t some new thing he’s been experimenting with, he’s always been gay but he wanted the normality (apologies for the word) of being in a heterosexual relationship as he disliked the gay lifestyle and was regularly cheated on by the boyfriends he’d had when single.

Marrying a woman who was a lot less likely to cheat and he could have a family with seemed the better option.

He’s had some flings over the last few years or so and has recently started a new one as the last one was cut short because of the lockdowns and pandemic. Rather than go back to the previous boyfriend (if that’s the right term), he joined one of the popular hookup sites (Fabguys.com I think) and has met someone from there.

They meet regularly under the guise of going to the gym and often book hotels for the other workouts they enjoy. They go for meals, to the theatre and it’s a real ‘bromance’. The new boyfriend is also married to a woman and has a family.

To the outside world, this man is just a respectable married man with a family, but he has a controlling personality that he seems to reserve for his boyfriends. One of his ex-boyfriends that he’s had during his marriage needed therapy to get over his possessiveness, his jealousy, his moodiness and his constant need for attention as well as the cruel way the boyfriend was dumped and replaced with another.

Some of his behaviour to his boyfriends is borderline ‘gas-lighting’ behaviour.

His wife sees a totally different side, the nice side, as do his children and, so far, the new boyfriend.

This man hasn’t no intention of leaving his wife or nice lifestyle and presumably no intention of confirming her suspicions that’s he has a new boyfriend. She’s not known about any of them, just has suspicions.

He doesn’t see he’s doing anything wrong as he’s not getting sex at home, his wife knows he’s gay and has a new best friend. She just doesn’t know for certain that her husband and his new mate are lovers.

If you were his wife, would you want to know?

@Glassofshloer

Yes, it always takes two to tango.

The married guy in question was definitely very willing and made a lot of the running in the beginning and, apparently, had a few one-offs with random guys before finding someone a bit more regular after he ended it with my friend.

Why was your mate still talking to a married man who dumped him? He must have continued contact if he found out the married man was seeing someone else more regularly.

He's still in touch in messages and emails you say. He needs to grow up and cut contact. He's getting something out of the drama and / or hoping it will rekindle.

He isn't worried about the wife at all, he's pissed off he got dumped!

Yes, he shouldn’t have got involved with a married guy but some bisexual / gay men prefer married men as it’s more discreet

Well that's a new one to me, everyday is a school day on here. Why is anyone believing the word of (a) a serial cheat married with kids or (b) the sidepiece screwing him? Neither one is to be believed and their loyalty seems to extend to what they can get away with.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Why was your mate still talking to a married man who dumped him? He must have continued contact if he found out the married man was seeing someone else more regularly.

He's still in touch in messages and emails you say. He needs to grow up and cut contact. He's getting something out of the drama and / or hoping it will rekindle.

He isn't worried about the wife at all, he's pissed off he got dumped!

I’ve told him to stop contact with the husband completely, but he prefers to maintain a relationship on at least a friendship basis, although personally I think that’s a mistake as the husband is toxic in my view.

Yes, of course he’s worried about the wife, but what can be done?

Telling her would have obvious ramifications, but in some ways, assuming she has her hunches but just isn’t following them up, she’s clearly ok with the wife of the new boyfriend being treated in a similar manner to herself.

Right so now it’s husband’s wife who is behaving shitty - in your view - by not following her hunches….🙄.
My god you are spiteful aren’t you?
If husband’s wife had looked into his affairs you’d be saying she as a stalker is or something and wondering why she bothers if she doesn’t want sex anyway.
It’s not his wife’s duty to dig around to then ruin another woman’s life.

Tell you what you are OP - a misogynistic liar

@Dontbeme

Yes, he shouldn’t have got involved with a married guy but some bisexual / gay men prefer married men as it’s more discreet

Well that's a new one to me, everyday is a school day on here. Why is anyone believing the word of (a) a serial cheat married with kids or (b) the sidepiece screwing him? Neither one is to be believed and their loyalty seems to extend to what they can get away with.

All fair points, but what do I have to gain by lying on here?

I’m not posting to keep you and others entertained.

It’s the truth as I know it and what’s been told to me.

For what it’s worth, I believe my friend. He made a mistake getting involved with a married man, but that doesn’t make him bad or a liar.

Yes, men married to women are very well represented in the online gay / bisexual community and if that’s news to you, then that just means you’re lucky enough not to need to know.

@Blue4YOU

Right so now it’s husband’s wife who is behaving shitty - in your view - by not following her hunches….🙄. My god you are spiteful aren’t you? If husband’s wife had looked into his affairs you’d be saying she as a stalker is or something and wondering why she bothers if she doesn’t want sex anyway. It’s not his wife’s duty to dig around to then ruin another woman’s life.

Tell you what you are OP - a misogynistic liar

Some on here seem to want to weaponise every word I write!

I didn’t say the wife was shitty, I just said she is not following up on her hunches which could well mean she’s ok with another woman being cheated on and her husband being involved.

I don’t know her reasons, but the other family have probably crossed her mind.

Thinking that doesn’t make me a misogynistic liar, but if you prefer to think that then ok, that’s your right.

It's called SMS = Men having Sex with Men.

They don't come out as gay and pretend they're not, marrying and having children.

The wife catching Aids of course is a huge problem.

I think they are secretly bisexual....

Have loads of gay mates, so we talk about it. Also worked at an Aids charity.

in some ways, assuming she has her hunches but just isn’t following them up, she’s clearly ok with the wife of the new boyfriend being treated in a similar manner to herself.

What a load of utter nonsense. She knows nothing about the boyfriend's life. The only people at fault are the men involved, end of story.

I didn’t say the wife was shitty, I just said she is not following up on her hunches which could well mean she’s ok with another woman being cheated on and her husband being involved.

What an impressive reach to make a woman still partially responsible for a man's actions even if in the hypothetical situation she AND another woman are the only ones not doing any cheating.

I would suggest you reiterate your friend needs to get a grip, grow up and stop talking to this man.

And that you need to tell him you no longer want to hear about it as you're not going to enable him to keep obsessing over a married man he was shagging who dumped him.

As it stands it sounds like you're both getting something out of psychoanalysing and the drama.

Life is short. Do good stuff. Kind stuff. Fun stuff. Meaningful stuff.

Not shag married men, or gossip endlessly with someone else about them doing so.

It's all just a bit grim isn't it.

so I guess he’s on the gay side of bisexual whilst maybe not being 100% gay.

Does it really have to be a box of this or that sexuality?

The point is, he’s cheating on his wife, his marriage and his family. But OP you seem overly invested in all this and quite antagonistic towards both this man and his wife.

Back off. If you really cared for the wife in this situation and were a close loving friend, then maybe opening up the possibility of a supportive conversation might be a good thing. But you write as though you dislike and resent them both. Your comment about the wife “taking” his house and pension is just nasty.

Some on here seem to want to weaponise every word I write!

Shock horror! Women have opinions and sometimes disagree with men !

Some on here seem to want to weaponise every word I write!

Naive to think that wouldn't happen, given that you/your friend seem hypocritically hellbent on taking the moral highground!

Everything you say isn’t “weaponised” but if you fail to even thinly disguise your disregard and disrespect for the women in this scenario what do you expect comments to look like?
Oh poor ex boyfriend- he must have been so misled by this man. A man who was wonderful and said he loved him but how on earth would ex boyfriend ever imagine that he would be pushed aside and replaced? You know- the treatment of his wife might have been a clue? Or does your “friend” think she deserves what she gets because she doesn’t have The Almighty Penis which makes all the difference to Mr Husband’s sincerity?
Tell your friend to get therapy for his nasty, self-obsessed bitchy ways.

I'm sure the wife is well aware, even if it hasn't been explicitly detailed to her. She knows he's into men and has special male 'friends' that come and go. These types of set ups have always existed. Sometimes between two gay people (male and female) or simply one has no sex drive and is happy for the other to seek that elsewhere.

If you get into a relationship with someone who is married you can realistically expect to be gaslighted, lied to and generally treated as a lower priority. That's the nature of what you are signing up for. Its called cheating, even if the spouse turns a blind eye, it is what it is. And unless you didn't know they were married, you simply do not have basis to complain - as that is indeed what you are doing to a complete stranger (the spouse). For the best he is now with another married man, at least they both know where they stand.

Husband is not nice to wife. It's important for him not to be cheated on by wife, while he was planning cheating from the start of the marriage. Still controlling behavior.

@PlanDeRaccordement

How do you even know he is gay? He sounds more bisexual to me than gay. And how do you know that his wife doesn’t know?

Just going on the basis that he doesn’t have sex with his wife anymore, or so he says, and only seems interested in men.

He’s never mentioned wanting to meet women for sex and he lays next to his wife in bed night after night and yet doesn’t seem to want to initiate anything.

Can’t disagree with your logic there.

@user367862167

Can’t disagree with your logic there.

@Blue4YOU

Everything you say isn’t “weaponised” but if you fail to even thinly disguise your disregard and disrespect for the women in this scenario what do you expect comments to look like? Oh poor ex boyfriend- he must have been so misled by this man. A man who was wonderful and said he loved him but how on earth would ex boyfriend ever imagine that he would be pushed aside and replaced? You know- the treatment of his wife might have been a clue? Or does your “friend” think she deserves what she gets because she doesn’t have The Almighty Penis which makes all the difference to Mr Husband’s sincerity? Tell your friend to get therapy for his nasty, self-obsessed bitchy ways.

Nasty, self-obsessed and bitchy?

Considering many of the posters on here are wives / partners and mothers, it’s a little surprising that there’s so much hostility.

If you had a child going through similar, would you want him to be called nasty, self-obsessed and bitchy by a stranger on the internet when they’re going through a tough time?

I agree that the ‘tough time’ is more than a bit self-inflicted,

Considering many of the posters on here are wives / partners and mothers, it’s a little surprising that there’s so much hostility.

You do know women are whole people, yes? And that we aren't required to adhere to a 'be kind, always, even when someone else is behaving poorly' jusy because we have a boyfriend, husband or children?

I have no idea why you expect women to behave differently on an anonymous forum based on their marital status or parental status.

It's another example of a strange view of women's roles and responsibilities from you on this thread.

As I said earlier, tell your mate he needs to grow up and stop talking to this guy. Tell him you don't want to hear any more about it as you don't want to enable him continuing the drama. And then stop continuing to enable the drama...

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Considering many of the posters on here are wives / partners and mothers, it’s a little surprising that there’s so much hostility.

You do know women are whole people, yes? And that we aren't required to adhere to a 'be kind, always, even when someone else is behaving poorly' jusy because we have a boyfriend, husband or children?

I have no idea why you expect women to behave differently on an anonymous forum based on their marital status or parental status.

It's another example of a strange view of women's roles and responsibilities from you on this thread.

As I said earlier, tell your mate he needs to grow up and stop talking to this guy. Tell him you don't want to hear any more about it as you don't want to enable him continuing the drama. And then stop continuing to enable the drama...

I appreciate everything you say and it’s not that I expected automatic sympathy from mothers, but the open hostility was a bit of a shock.

My friend won’t come on here as he’s worried about being eaten alive, but he’s read the responses.

My friend accepts he needs counselling, but the husband reacted badly saying it made him feel uncomfortable.

The continued contact isn’t because me or my friend ‘enjoy the drama’ as someone said, far from it, it’s just seems the best way to deal with it at the moment and the contact is minimal. They were never friends on Facebook or anything, it’s just been texts and emails. I think it’s unlikely the husband would phone again.

The continued contact isn’t because me or my friend ‘enjoy the drama’ as someone said, far from it, it’s just seems the best way to deal with it at the moment and the contact is minimal.

Why does he need contact at all though?! It's over. He's been dumped. There's no need to have contact.

They were never friends on Facebook or anything, it’s just been texts and emails. I think it’s unlikely the husband would phone again.

Again, why does it matter what form the contact takes? There's no need for any contact. Your friend is getting something out of this. If it isn't that he is enjoying the drama, it must be that he's hoping to rekindle. Otherwise there is literally no point in him being in touch with the guy.

There's no "open hostility" just women expressing their opinions. Why do you expect women to give sympathy automatically- because they're

So sexist.

@saturnalialand most people responding to your posts here can see that you're not listening, fundamentally. You won't budge from the denial you're in, so what's the point?! You've got the bit between your jealous teeth, or your 'friend' has, and you want people to tell you to do what you're itching to do.

So do it, and live with your choice. What more needs to be said?