Telling a woman about her husband’s gay affairs...

[saturnaliand]

First off, I don’t actually intend on telling her anything, although I could.

I guess I’d be interested in knowing if you’d want to know if this were your man?

The man I’m referring to is middle-aged and was upfront with his wife from the beginning that he’d had gay relationships and she was ok with this in a kind of ‘as long as you tell me and do not lie’ kind of way. That’s easy to agree to when you’re young, in love (with a woman you want to marry) and not intending on doing anything with anyone else, male or female.

It’s harder when you’re older, children almost grown up, sex life with the wife non-existent and you were gay to begin with. This isn’t some new thing he’s been experimenting with, he’s always been gay but he wanted the normality (apologies for the word) of being in a heterosexual relationship as he disliked the gay lifestyle and was regularly cheated on by the boyfriends he’d had when single.

Marrying a woman who was a lot less likely to cheat and he could have a family with seemed the better option.

He’s had some flings over the last few years or so and has recently started a new one as the last one was cut short because of the lockdowns and pandemic. Rather than go back to the previous boyfriend (if that’s the right term), he joined one of the popular hookup sites (Fabguys.com I think) and has met someone from there.

They meet regularly under the guise of going to the gym and often book hotels for the other workouts they enjoy. They go for meals, to the theatre and it’s a real ‘bromance’. The new boyfriend is also married to a woman and has a family.

To the outside world, this man is just a respectable married man with a family, but he has a controlling personality that he seems to reserve for his boyfriends. One of his ex-boyfriends that he’s had during his marriage needed therapy to get over his possessiveness, his jealousy, his moodiness and his constant need for attention as well as the cruel way the boyfriend was dumped and replaced with another.

Some of his behaviour to his boyfriends is borderline ‘gas-lighting’ behaviour.

His wife sees a totally different side, the nice side, as do his children and, so far, the new boyfriend.

This man hasn’t no intention of leaving his wife or nice lifestyle and presumably no intention of confirming her suspicions that’s he has a new boyfriend. She’s not known about any of them, just has suspicions.

He doesn’t see he’s doing anything wrong as he’s not getting sex at home, his wife knows he’s gay and has a new best friend. She just doesn’t know for certain that her husband and his new mate are lovers.

If you were his wife, would you want to know?

If I was his wife, I wouldn’t have married him in the first place.
She seems to know. I’m all for telling the wife, but wouldn’t in this case

This really reads like it has been written by the OM (other man) to me.

It's a hard one. I disagree with other previous posters saying she definitely already knows. I have a couple of friends whose mothers were completely taken by surprise at their husbands' gay affairs.

All I would say is, examine your motivations for telling her. If it is genuinely in her best interests then do it, but I do get the impression from reading this that it is coming from the perspective of a scorned lover...

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I have a feeling op expected a green light from mn.

No, not at all.

This is just to seek opinions from wives / girlfriends of men who may have done / be doing similar as well as the opinions of people in general on here.

No one assumed anything.

@bookworm100

This really reads like it has been written by the OM (other man) to me.

It's a hard one. I disagree with other previous posters saying she definitely already knows. I have a couple of friends whose mothers were completely taken by surprise at their husbands' gay affairs.

All I would say is, examine your motivations for telling her. If it is genuinely in her best interests then do it, but I do get the impression from reading this that it is coming from the perspective of a scorned lover...

I don’t understand why who wrote this is such an issue.

Whether it was me or my friend, what’s the difference?

You’re only being asked to comment on what’s on the screen.

In terms of what the wife does or doesn’t know, we only have the husband’s version of events and I agree that revenge isn’t the best motivation at all in terms of telling the wife.

Telling her is unlikely, but considering it in all its different forms, reading through the replies on here (the only sounding board) is helping him as me just telling him not to do it, it will all end in tears isn’t enough.

Yes, he shouldn’t have got involved with a married guy but some bisexual / gay men prefer married men as it’s more discreet and there’s certainly no shortage of bisexual ones about.

Hang on, at first your ‘friend’ didn’t want to tell the poor wife;
“ Also, it’s my friend (who’s an ex-boyfriend of the husband) who’d probably have to do the telling and he doesn’t want to, but I’ve seen how broken he was left by this man”

Now: “ eading through the replies on here (the only sounding board) is helping him as me just telling him not to do it, it will all end in tears isn’t enough.”

Well, that scorned spiteful side piece sure has had a turnaround hasn’t he? Why don’t the pair of you go and destroy this woman and her children’s lives, it’s pretty obvious that you are absolutely desperate to.
But apparently you want a pat on the back from Mumsnet for it as well 🤢.

@beefcurtains79

That was worded badly by me, sorry, there’s no intention currently to tell her.

All I meant was that just me telling him to leave well alone isn’t really enough as apart from anything else I can understand the basic desire for revenge.

Reading the thoughts of objective third parties, who are mainly against her finding out from him, is helping.

That was what I meant.

Moral of the story.
Stop sleeping with married people.

@mpz731play

Also, how does the OP know that the wife knows the husband is gay?

Only on the basis that the husband claims he told the wife early on in their relationship, before they got married.

Come on OP - of course it matters is you are a scorned ex or asking “for a friend”…
You previously denied that revenge was a motive now you are giving a nod to it as a basic human desire and say you are trying to hold your friend back from seeking revenge- so you know that revenge is the primary motive.
Let me guess again (as I said above) - you/your friend wants to know whether the married man is gay )hence didn’t lie to you) or bisexual (and did lie to you). Because if he’s gay but stuck in a marriage that he is remaining in for some unknown reason and isn’t having sex with his wife… the affair made sense and was more “romantic “..? Right?
But if the married man is in fact bisexual and only likes men on the side (perhaps is more romantically involved with women than men but likes sex with both) then he’s lied and misled you/your friend who believed he was having a relationship (albeit illicit) with a gay man, not a bisexual man.
Am I right?

Part of me thinks I'd like to be told in case I didn't know, but then the likelihood for me to believe someone I don't personally know is a bit slim, particularly after a childhood friend of his tried to accuse both of us of shite to others out of maliciousness.

Oh, and I knew my spouse was bisexual before we started dating, just as he knew about my bisexuality and what would now be called polyamory (that wasn't the language I would have used back then). We've actually lived as monogamous since we moved in together, but we've an arrangement for otherwise if it were to come up for either of us.

You say 'easy to agree with when you're young and in love' but in actuality it's easier to live with it after years of 'investment' in the marriage and your children.

^This. I see it all the time in polyam circles - people married 10+ years who suddenly are into polyamory having never been into it before getting married. I mean, yeah it can happen, but a large part of much of it is people who are comfortable in their marriages who think they've found an easy, ethical way to sleep around. It's a red flag for me as they're rarely good with respecting boundaries or having realistic expectations for others, they tend to be more focused on sex, and I think the OP/their friend has been bitten by someone similar.

more to somehow force the husband into making some proper choices and maybe even giving the wife the chance to find someone for herself.

You can't decide what is a 'proper choice' here. You've only got a parts of a warped picture and your friend and even if you had a clearer picture, you only know what you think they should do. That doesn't mean that's their cup of tea. I mean, it's not many people's cup of tea to shag married men, not what they'd call a proper choice, so stones and all that.

Like yeah, from the ex's perspective, the married guy is a asshole and it's quite likely he's lying about some of this. Tell or don't, but the idea it's going to save the woman from anything is bullshit to placate guilt and/or vengence on the man. She's obviously been an afterthought in this, neither you nor the friend can really say you care about her and her chances.

I think everything the husband has said sould at least be taken with a pinch of salt, but probably better just to tar it all with the bullshit brush.
He lies to get what he wants, which in this case is sex with other people who are not his wife.

Firstly, he says she knows he's gay and was very accepting. Alot of people on this thread are taking this as fact and assuming she either knows or is purposely burying her head in the sand because she doesn't want to know. But I bet he's never had any such conversation with her and if/when it comes out she'll be shocked. In this scenario people find out later and are too invested or too busy thinking of the kids, most young people wouldn't choose a life with a partner who isn't securely attracted to them and can never truly love them anymore than a friend.

Secondly, he says they never have sex anymore. Absolutely in the cheaters script of what to say so the OM/OW thinks they're special, it's different, they're not doing anything wrong. Etc. Also probably bullshit.

Thirdly, the wife (again, even if all the above is true, and she knows he's gay and they definitely don't have sex anymore, unlikely) said the rule was he was always honest with her and didn't lie. Which if she's okay with him shagging other people, why doesn't she know? Why the sneaking around, the secret meetings? Because all the above is just bullshit.

His actions don't match his story at all. So chances are she doesn't know he's gay, is still sleeping with him and he's just a serial cheat that your friend was happy to believe all the bullshit and have an affair with.
Your friend should move on and get over it. His moral compass clearly wasn't working when he was shagging a married man and quick to believe his lies in order to lessen his own guilt, but now the husband has moved on suddenly he's also a victim and the wife should know. It reeks of revenge.

But all that aside, as a wife I would want to know. Because if the wife (very likely) doesn't know any of the above then she's being lied to every single day, her sexual health is being put at risk and her husband is making a mockery of both her and their marriage.

@TheWitchersWife

Thank you for your detailed and measured response.

Obviously my friend only has the husband’s version of events, but they’ve known each other a number of years and so he’s either just a good liar in terms of remembering what he’s said or he’s honest in terms of things like not getting any sex at home.

I’m inclined to believe him when he says the wife knew about his sexuality early on as that’s how he justifies seeing men on the side, although she obviously doesn’t know the extent of how many, when etc.

In terms of them having sex, well only the husband and wife know for sure but he’s always maintained to my friend it’s been sexless for years.

I think she’d want to know this is going on in the here and now, although I’m not saying who should tell her.

Yes, my friend has days when he wants to and has days when he doesn’t as do I, but that doesn’t mean I’d actually suggest it happens.

I think she’d want to know this is going on in the here and now

And how often did you/your friend think that and feel inclined to dish the dirt when everything was honey with Mr Wrong?

Yep, thought not

How hard is it to remember your “line” if we don’t have sex at home???
And you’d believe the husband- though you haven’t met him?
Sure - anything that justifies that affair then

Obviously my friend only has the husband’s version of events, but they’ve known each other a number of years and so he’s either just a good liar in terms of remembering what he’s said or he’s honest in terms of things like not getting any sex at home.
I think there is a sizeable minority of married men who say they aren't getting any sex at home when they mean their wife isn't prioritising their sexual wants any more I.e. the frequency and variety isn't what they want. It's a bollocks justification in the mind of cheating men.

Your friend would do well to read up on chump lady or similar, as I think he's been had. If the husband is abusive, a narcissist or similar, your friend has had a lucky escape because those kinds of people lie as easily as breathing. It's hard to imagine if you are fundamentally a decent person.

He might also do well to look into trauma bonds.

@baroqueandblue

I think she’d want to know this is going on in the here and now

And how often did you/your friend think that and feel inclined to dish the dirt when everything was honey with Mr Wrong?

Yep, thought not

It’s difficult to argue with that and I’m sure the new boyfriend (who also has a wife and kids) has his own reasons for keeping things on the QT.

How do you know the new boyfriend keeps things hidden?

Your mate is a spiteful loser who has been demoted for another bloke, and is now sat at home alone, saturating in his own bitter jealousy.
The married man is well rid.

Yes, the reason they want to keep it quiet is so that they can continue to get ALL of their desires met. Wife, kids family life, check. Shag on the side, check. But the wives (if they're not in the know and seeing as you aren't sure either way) are completely choiceless. Even you are making decisions about their lives. The blowing up of their life has already happened, they just aren't aware of it. I would want to know and to have autonomy. Being/feeling powerless is so shit.

It’s difficult to argue with that and I’m sure the new boyfriend (who also has a wife and kids) has his own reasons for keeping things on the QT

Yes, go on, deflect to the 'new man', anything to stop you really looking at your friend's behaviour /yourself.

How do you think I got this wise about the stuff you're telling us? You need to work on yourself, and I say that with compassion.

@AdamRyan

Obviously my friend only has the husband’s version of events, but they’ve known each other a number of years and so he’s either just a good liar in terms of remembering what he’s said or he’s honest in terms of things like not getting any sex at home. I think there is a sizeable minority of married men who say they aren't getting any sex at home when they mean their wife isn't prioritising their sexual wants any more I.e. the frequency and variety isn't what they want. It's a bollocks justification in the mind of cheating men.

Your friend would do well to read up on chump lady or similar, as I think he's been had. If the husband is abusive, a narcissist or similar, your friend has had a lucky escape because those kinds of people lie as easily as breathing. It's hard to imagine if you are fundamentally a decent person.

He might also do well to look into trauma bonds.

Thanks for the suggestions and I’ve had a quick look and they look useful.

I’ll definitely pass them on.

I agree that my friend has had a lucky escape and it’s a shame it’s taken so long to get to this point.

@baroqueandblue

It’s difficult to argue with that and I’m sure the new boyfriend (who also has a wife and kids) has his own reasons for keeping things on the QT

Yes, go on, deflect to the 'new man', anything to stop you really looking at your friend's behaviour /yourself.

How do you think I got this wise about the stuff you're telling us? You need to work on yourself, and I say that with compassion.

I don’t try and excuse the fact that my friend knowingly slept with a married man as is the new boyfriend who’s also married himself!

That’s not me trying to deflect anything, that’s the truth as I know it.

I’m just trying to be a good friend and my priority is my friend, not the husband, not the new boyfriend and not the wives and not the children.

They are the priorities of the husbands. Or should be.

That’s not me saying by the way that I’m advocating telling the wife of the husband in question.

These aren’t subjects easily talked about with friends you know in real life, hence the post on here and I do appreciate the brutally honest feedback from people who take the trouble to respond.

Again I repeat
People need to stop shagging married people

Obviously my friend only has the husband’s version of events, but they’ve known each other a number of years and so he’s either just a good liar in terms of remembering what he’s said or he’s honest in terms of things like not getting any sex at home

It's not hard to remember 'I told her years ago Im gay and now we don't have sex anymore' is it?! Hardly a complex narrative. Couldn't be more embarrassingly textbook if it tried!

@Lampzade

Again I repeat People need to stop shagging married people

Or married people need to stop shagging people they’re not married to 🤷🏼‍♀️