Telling a woman about her husband’s gay affairs...

[saturnaliand]

First off, I don’t actually intend on telling her anything, although I could.

I guess I’d be interested in knowing if you’d want to know if this were your man?

The man I’m referring to is middle-aged and was upfront with his wife from the beginning that he’d had gay relationships and she was ok with this in a kind of ‘as long as you tell me and do not lie’ kind of way. That’s easy to agree to when you’re young, in love (with a woman you want to marry) and not intending on doing anything with anyone else, male or female.

It’s harder when you’re older, children almost grown up, sex life with the wife non-existent and you were gay to begin with. This isn’t some new thing he’s been experimenting with, he’s always been gay but he wanted the normality (apologies for the word) of being in a heterosexual relationship as he disliked the gay lifestyle and was regularly cheated on by the boyfriends he’d had when single.

Marrying a woman who was a lot less likely to cheat and he could have a family with seemed the better option.

He’s had some flings over the last few years or so and has recently started a new one as the last one was cut short because of the lockdowns and pandemic. Rather than go back to the previous boyfriend (if that’s the right term), he joined one of the popular hookup sites (Fabguys.com I think) and has met someone from there.

They meet regularly under the guise of going to the gym and often book hotels for the other workouts they enjoy. They go for meals, to the theatre and it’s a real ‘bromance’. The new boyfriend is also married to a woman and has a family.

To the outside world, this man is just a respectable married man with a family, but he has a controlling personality that he seems to reserve for his boyfriends. One of his ex-boyfriends that he’s had during his marriage needed therapy to get over his possessiveness, his jealousy, his moodiness and his constant need for attention as well as the cruel way the boyfriend was dumped and replaced with another.

Some of his behaviour to his boyfriends is borderline ‘gas-lighting’ behaviour.

His wife sees a totally different side, the nice side, as do his children and, so far, the new boyfriend.

This man hasn’t no intention of leaving his wife or nice lifestyle and presumably no intention of confirming her suspicions that’s he has a new boyfriend. She’s not known about any of them, just has suspicions.

He doesn’t see he’s doing anything wrong as he’s not getting sex at home, his wife knows he’s gay and has a new best friend. She just doesn’t know for certain that her husband and his new mate are lovers.

If you were his wife, would you want to know?

I wouldn’t say anything. The wife probably knows and she doesn’t need some stranger (you) bursting into her life to tell her.

@sybillalle

All your information is third hand. You have no idea what he has told his wife about being bisexual, her reaction, whether or not they have sex and so on. Friend could be making things up, married man could be lying to friend. So it's weird that you're talking so confidently about these things.

Having said that, personally, I would want to know if my DH had had sexual relations with any other person, as that would be a violation of our vows and would not be acceptable to me, and I would wish to end the marriage.

I understand what you mean, but I’ve seen texts between the ex-boyfriend and the husband and the ex-boyfriend has been a good friend of mine for years, so I’m as sure as I can be that this is pretty much as I’ve written it.

Yes, it’s mainly from one side and you’re right I’ve no idea what the wife is like or what she thinks or feels, but I'm pretty sure she doesn’t know for certain, but a man who’s suddenly started socialising on a regular basis with one particular male friend is a red flag, especially considering what she does know, surely?

Whether she’d want to know, I’ve no idea so her finding out from me or my friend is unlikely, but I was keen to get a perspective from other wives, some of whom might have experienced similar.

“ I’ve seen texts from my friend to the husband where the question has been asked, although the man obviously lies on a regular basis so it can’t be said for certain that the husband and wife aren’t having sex any longer, but part of the justification by the husband for the gay affairs was that he was not getting sex at home.”

And the justification for your mate hopping into bed with a married man?
And now he, and apparently you, are under the impression that’s he is the wronged party? What a strange way of looking at things.

I agree that it's the oldest script in the book and that it's probably true most of the time. The other thing to consider - and this happened to me - is where the partner seems to change in their sexual behaviour. In my case, became less loving, more 'porn'-like and (sorry TMI) wanted things up his bum. This wasn't really doing it for me and I came to find him unattractive because of it, and we had sex a lot less as a result.

Why are you so emotionally invested? This situation has nothing to do with you. Keep out of it.

@HollowTalk

I think he's the guy who needed therapy, otherwise how would he know about it?

this for sure

As you're completely anonymous and we only have your word for it, I'm afraid I don't believe your cover story. You've been hurt by a man you knew was married and went along with things while it suited you, but when he decided he'd had enough and met another man, you couldn't handle it and now you're furious with him and contemplating revenge. Under the circumstances, you would be completely out of order to potentially devastate his wife and kids. It would show complete weakness of character, not to mention cowardice.

That's my opinion, take it or leave it.

My ex husband did this. I couldn't deal with it so ended our marriage. I didn't need someone to tell me. I found emails and dating profiles. He then did the same to his next female long-term partner. Heartbreaking.

OP the reason everyone's picking at things you're saying that don't add up is a very clear signal that you haven't got the full picture here.

It strikes me that you're trying to get posters here to say that the wife should know and that you should tell her. But it sounds like she already does know. At least she knows the layout of the land if not the nitty-gritty detail. For all your protestations, you don't know the precise agreements that this couple may or may not have within their marriage.

Look, every relationship has elements that are inscrutable to anyone who isn't in it. Couples do seemingly odd things, or have unique set-ups, all the time. For example, I would argue that it was foolish for this woman to marry a man she knew to be gay. But that's just an outsider perspective. Who knows how it works in practice?

You barrelling in and foghorning about this man's sex life might be just like chucking a grenade into a vat of confetti: explosive, pointless and unwelcome.

OP I am convinced you are posting about yourself

Oh god what a mess.
TBH I think the husband is a massive player, he sounds very unpleasant. In that case, in common with many cheating men, his wife probably knows nothing about it at all and thinks they are happily married. In some ways having affairs with men is probably easier for him because 1) his wife is likely to be less suspicious of male friends, especially if he hasn't actually told her he's attracted to men and 2) it's a great cover for the men he likes "we don't have sex, marriage of convenience, because I'm gay"
Personally I think you should tell her, anonymously, because she deserves to know her husbands a massive cheat. I'd just send an anonymous note with what you know about his past and current boyfriend - no identifying details of your friend as that's betraying his confidence.

But it might make things worse for you/your friend because he'll probably come slithering back looking for support.

That poor woman

If i was the wife, I would want to know

How you do that, I'm not sure

Just leave them alone .
How can you even be bothered to stick your nose in to a situation that you've heard about second hand and does not concern you in the least ?
Other people's lives aren't your soap opera.

MYOB and back off.

It's their private business.

OP if you are a man, and are (or have previously been) involved with a closeted man, and are struggling to process the fallout of that, you might find it helpful to talk to a group of other gay men who may have had relatable experiences and can give advice based on first-hand knowledge.

There's a reddit board called r/askgaybrosover30 -- you could try asking on there. (It's basically an advice forum for gay guys who are aged over 30.) If you go with an honest take on your situation you'll (for the most part) get a mature and compassionate take, and hopefully some practical advice. You won't necessarily get an easy ride or sugarcoated views. But you might come out of it with a better perspective on how to deal with any emotional fallout yourself.

The wife might be going through sheer hell knowing something's wrong but not knowing exactly what. It's a cliche but the truth really does set people free. I would feel much more at peace knowing my husband had cheated due to his needs regarding his sexuality. I would never have agreed to marrying a bisexual or gay man purely for the reason that sexuality is a powerful need, and I am wondering if the wife in this scenario didn't know either, when she married him.

Those saying he is bi are guessing.
Plenty of older gay men did do this. It does not make them bi, they are still gay.
I know an older gay man married to a woman and with kids. He is not bi.

“We haven’t had sex in years” is nearly as common a line as “Asking for a friend”.

They’re usually both bollocks.

Just move on. You had an affair, it ended. There’s no moral high ground in suddenly wanting to tell his wife cos you’ve been jilted.

Taking the OP at face value... I am not sure what you think your end game would be in telling the wife.

I agree with PP that she almost certainly does know what's going on. It might or might not be a formalised arrangement. It might be unspoken. She might not "officially" know because she might prefer to ignore it. But it sounds like a status quo that she's happy with as much as her husband. She also gets a nice lifestyle and a nuclear family. She gets his nice side. Of course, we don't know whether she's in bits over her sexless marriage, or whether she also has her own arrangements.

However it seems like the people being treated the worst are this man's boyfriends. I'm unclear how telling his wife (and exploding something she may be happy to let lie) will solve that. If she really doesn't know, she'll seek to preserve herself, probably through divorce, and he will still treat his boyfriends badly. If she does know, she's not going to care how he treats his boyfriends.

It's a lesson learned for your friend I'm afraid. I also know gay men who've had flings with straight-identifying men and what they've all said is that you can never let feelings get involved in those situations because it never ends well.

@baroqueandblue

As you're completely anonymous and we only have your word for it, I'm afraid I don't believe your cover story. You've been hurt by a man you knew was married and went along with things while it suited you, but when he decided he'd had enough and met another man, you couldn't handle it and now you're furious with him and contemplating revenge. Under the circumstances, you would be completely out of order to potentially devastate his wife and kids. It would show complete weakness of character, not to mention cowardice.

That's my opinion, take it or leave it.

Thanks for your input and it makes no odds really whether you think I’m a friend of the ex-boyfriend or the ex-boyfriend as he will read the replies and knew of the intention to post here.

I’m just after opinions on the situation itself which is written as I know it to be.

The responses from everyone are appreciated.

I’m sure she knows, from what you’ve described. I’d keep out if I were you, absolutely. You don’t know her personally (I think you say you are an ex of one of his boyfriends .

She married a man who was open about having numerous relationships with men. I think she almost certainly knows he’s still seeing other men and it’s either fully condoned or she turns a blind eye / DADT. If they’re from an older generation I suspect she’d also be pretty embarrassed to know that their arrangement was being openly discussed and critiques and equally embarrassed to be contacted by somebody who knew about it and making it obvious this was the case.

Tell your friend to move on from his ex and find something else to occupy himself with, it isn’t healthy to be stewing so much over an ex boyfriend and the intricacies of his life; especially since your friend seemed happy enough to believe the husband’s version of everything whilst they were shagging.

You should accept, that the lifstyles of other people, are of no concern to you,,, unless it affects you personally.

My question is why do you want to out him and what do you get out of it?

Well, he’s not had sex with his wife for many years and doesn’t cheat on her with other women, so I guess he’s on the gay side of bisexual whilst maybe not being 100% gay. How do you know? Most people who have affairs say they aren't having sex with their spouse. Nearly all of them are not only still having sex, but having more sex due to having a higher sex drive.