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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Megalameg · 08/11/2021 12:47

@ChargingBuck
Since I don’t know anything else about her no, her husband being angry she is quitting her job with him without prior warning and is planning to leave him doesn’t seem so unreasonable. I’m not saying she shouldn’t leave but why would he be supportive and encouraging of her divorcing him and leaving his business? Even if it were just the job it should at least be mentioned beforehand.

Btw, comments you don’t agree with aren’t “contrarian statements” they are simply differing opinions. Try not to let different opinions upset you so much, you can’t control what other people think even if you’d like too.

PRsecrets · 08/11/2021 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirensofTitan · 08/11/2021 12:51

He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him

Do not fall for that, I've had jobs in the past that needed trust and confidentially and there's no shortage of people who have those qualities. He is talking crap to manipulate you

Day5DayandNight5 · 08/11/2021 12:52

Take the job, take the job, take the job

Stop looking for any emotional support from your H
He is an exH

If you have savings, move them into another bank account

RantyAunty · 08/11/2021 12:54

Please take the job!!

This is your time to shine!

Day5DayandNight5 · 08/11/2021 12:58

You have no children

You have nothing to keep you in your old life

Now is the time to start your new, happier life

Megalameg · 08/11/2021 13:00

@PRsecrets

If my boss was my husband and I was about to quit working for him and had been applying for jobs then yes I’d tell him. Would you not? If all else is well that seems pretty damn rude and I wouldn’t want to be married to someone like that.

I understand OP’s situation is different but in a happy marriage it would be bizzarely inconsiderate behaviour not to tell him. If I worked with my husband and he dropped it out of the blue he had a new job and had been looking for one for some time I’d be upset and angry if I had no clue it was coming and he hadn’t bothered to tell me he was thinking of it. Don’t act like most people wouldn’t be we both know it’s not the truth.

Original poster
SecretJob · 08/11/2021 13:00

@HarrisonStickle

No OP!!!!! Take the job and get out.

You have posted before. What happened to the accommodation you could move into in September?

It's still there, it needed some work doing to it and the moving date has been pushed back a few times. I looked at other places but this one was ideal and with the job taking a while to do the checks etc I decided to wait for it. It should be ready at the end of the month.
OP posts:
Nogoodusername · 08/11/2021 13:01

Please take the job. I remember your previous posts. He controls every aspect of your life - even including at what time you are allowed to have a Bath and wash your hair. You are not allowed to have friends, family, work from home where you feel safer etc. I’ve rarely been so upset by the examples of constant coercive control than you have given in your previous posts

Nogoodusername · 08/11/2021 13:04

He has made your world as small as it could possibly be (iirc you gave up studying, your previous job to work for him), please please take this job and make your world bigger - imagine a life where you can wake up at a time you want to and have a Bath and wash your hair at a time of your choosing if nothing else

DeathBy1000PipeCleaners · 08/11/2021 13:06

It's all lined up and fallen into place for you. This is your time. Please take the job and the accommodation. Do it for your future self: she will be so, so grateful to you.

2020nymph · 08/11/2021 13:08

@steppemum

Just seen your post about him wanting proof.

That's really controlling, and a massive red flag

Completely agree with this.

Please take the job.

idontlikealdi · 08/11/2021 13:09

You take the job. You have to take the job.

ShinyHappyPoster · 08/11/2021 13:10

You have to take the job. The fact you are frightened to tell him that you want to take the job proves there is an issue here.
Have you told the new job that you would need to work a notice period? If so, then tell your DH you will use that time to help him find someone else. Yy it's difficult for family businesses to shift their trust to 'staff'. My friend has a family business. I know how much they struggled with it.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't take your dream job.
Your post is full of what your DH wants. He cares about the salary but you knew about the salary difference. You still wanted this job so your decision motivators are not the same as his. They're not purely financial - and that's ok. You're allowed to have different priorities and thoughts.
If you can't speak to him about it write him a letter. It's valid for you to ask the question is his love only dependent on having you as staff.

pointythings · 08/11/2021 13:12

Megalameg you've probably gathered by now that there is a massive backstory of emotional abuse and coercive control, and indeed a link to previous thread would have been helpful. However, that's a lot to expect from an OP in extreme distress.

And to be honest, the husband's response to the change of job should ring alarm bells with anyone who isn't a total handmaiden, as should the fact that OP felt the need to apply secretly in the first place. Those things should tell anyone reading the post that this isn't a happy, functional relationship.

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark · 08/11/2021 13:13

I don’t know why I can’t give myself that final push

Because this man has been bullying and controlling you for years and it’s destroyed your self confidence.

You sound so ground down. It’s phenomenal that you managed to find and apply for this job, and get it, given how much he’s taken from you. But after the years with him you don’t believe you’re entitled to make this decision for yourself, to be happy like this.

He’s got you believing that wanting to be happy makes you a bad person. Can you see how twisted that is? He’s almost criminalising your absolutely normal, healthy behaviour, making you feel guilty for wanting to lead your life just like anyone else is entitled to. Just for being a regular human being.

You can make decisions when you’re away from me. You decided this was the job you wanted and you decided to apply for it. You decided you wanted to leave him. But when he’s there, the hold he has over you after all these years of control and bullying reasserts itself. You become diminished. It’s like you’re only there to make him happy, not there for yourself at all.

None of this is surprising or unusual in someone who’s been subjected to this behaviour from their partner for years, as you have. This is how it works, how people like your H manage to do it and keep up the control. You’ve been brainwashed in a way to think you owe your loyalty to him ahead of to yourself - and that’s simply not true. No one, in any relationship, owes their partner that. No one.

Try reversing it. Does he sacrifice his own happiness for your benefit? Does he put you and your needs first, ahead of his own?

Of course he doesn’t. He won’t even look for someone else to do his accounts so you can do a job you love instead of being his serf.

Can you see how uneven it is?

Mix56 · 08/11/2021 13:19

When he is there, with his intense bullying it turns your brain to soup.
That is why you can't stand up for yourself.
But this Once, it only takes Once, Stand your ground.
Tell him actually No, this is my dream job, you are right, I am unhappy about not being able to have children, so I want to find another outlet, & this is it.
What can he possibly do other than throw a strop ?
If he gets too angry you can go to a hotel temporarily.
You can do this

JacquelineCarlyle · 08/11/2021 13:20

Please take the job and get yourself free Op. Good luck!

diddl · 08/11/2021 13:22

It's not understandable that he was angry about the job imo.

When it comes to his business you don't owe him any more loyalty than you would to any other job.

If he needed to, would he think twice about sacking you?

The same with if he wanted out of the marriage-he'd just go ahead and do it I should imagine.

bofski14 · 08/11/2021 13:25

Take the job or forever wish you had. Life is short. Grab it by the balls and live it. YOUR way.

Bumpsadaisie · 08/11/2021 13:29

I think, in his mind, you having a job of your own DOES equal a betrayal. It is as if you had been with another man.

Emotionally and psychologically he is at the toddler stage he thinks his beloved person (mother/you) should have no relationships or life that does not revolve around him.

He simply cannot conceive of the idea that you might be your own person with a life of her own.

He sounds very undeveloped - and will not get better without a shed load of intense therapy.

Sidehustle99 · 08/11/2021 13:34

What are the issues that are making you want to leave? You say your work for DH but does he pay you? Does he expect you to work unreasonable hours? Is he using this working relationship to keep a tight reign on you?

You had plans to take the new job but got found out. What were the reasons to drop it. Was it his anger? What are his reasons for wanting to keep you employed/busy/under his control?

LannieDuck · 08/11/2021 13:35

I described it to my counsellor as my realistic dream job.

Keep this in mind, OP. You're allowed to do whatever you want with your life.

He has his own life - he's choosing what to do with it. He doesn't get to choose what you do with yours as well.

Doomscrolling · 08/11/2021 13:39

I feel for you, OP, iut's very scary to changer your life. But what a fantastic new life you could have, away from someone who controls and emotionally abuses you.

Take heart. You can do this.

DogsWithJobs · 08/11/2021 13:39

OP he is your jailer and you are his prisoner. You should read up on Stockholm syndrome. I remember your previous threads. You keep unlocking the door to your cell but then retreating back to what's familiar. You are so conditioned by this man that he's become your keeper. It really is quite chilling. He has no right to stop you taking this job, he has no right to demand proof of you turning it down.

Theres no easy answer to this, but the right answer is to get away from this controlling monster.