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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 08/11/2021 11:47

I think he will ask me to see proof
Your DH and your relationship sounds horrible in every way, but this jumped out for me.
I cannot imagine my DP asking for 'proof' of anything I'd done.
Please take the job and continue planning to leave. Do you have RL friends/family/support? If so, use it. You do not deserve to be with a bully.

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 11:48

@kelseypops

You sound exactly like me op.

Thinking all day about leaving, making plans, going on Rightmove etc. But when the time comes, for some reason you can't do it. It makes absolutely no sense.

I've gone a step further than you are. I've moved to my mums. Last night, we could of split up. It was there, we practically had done it....but then I let him carry on speaking and he's coming for tea tonight.

I have no idea what's going on. I want it to end, there's nothing left in me to carry on but I can't seem to end it.

Probably because 'new' is scary. And I also hate hurting people.

Oh Kelsey ... don't blame yourself, Read Lundy Bancroft, it can take up to 7 attempts for a woman to finally leave an abusive relationship. www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Can you text him to cancel tea tonight, with an excuse?
Will your mum back you up, & turn him away if he rocks up anyway?

@SecretJob, PP upthread mentioned you might have had somewhere you could move out to in September, &/or your dad suspects that your DH is a dick & has offered to put you up if you need him ...?

Can you tell us more about that?
Could that be a place you escape to, so that the "Little Voice" another PP spoke about so beautifully has a chance to live & breathe?

Whenever you are apart from this man, you start thinking for yourself again. Do you have enough cash to book into a cheap Travelodge or similar? Could you do that today? - just for the time leading up to your job start date. Imagine the peace, & having full control over your own mind & wishes. It would give you enough strength to work out proper alternative accommodation in the meantime ... & enough space to be sure of yourself while you escape this immensely controlling man.

xx

Grimsknee · 08/11/2021 11:50

I've seen your other threads - you're not wasting anyone's time! Keep posting and reading the advice here. For the record my advice is talk to your counsellor about this. Your husband is not the authority on your life.

PicsInRed · 08/11/2021 11:52

No kids? Right then, call some people round to safeguard you whilst you pack some suitcases, then drive clean away.

Today.

Evelyn52 · 08/11/2021 11:52

Please take the job, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Just tell him no, you don't have to tell him you plan on leaving if you've not decided but if you want to work elsewhere that's your choice x

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 08/11/2021 11:53

What strikes me about your latest post is that he appears to have trained you to believe him, fear him, and consider yourself incapable of coping without him. What sounds like a 'good deal' for you on paper (what you can earn in the business etc) is choking you from the inside, because it means living as an adjunct to him. But you are your own sovereign person and the part of you that is looking for inspiration and practical ways to leave this relationship is you, the essence of you. You've been trained to squash it down and listen to it and you've been trained to fear what's beyond your current set-up but the voice of you is getting louder.

The job is your realistic dream job. What about the way you are living now have you dreamed of?

EvilPea · 08/11/2021 11:54

Your default is to appease him. You’ve been conditioned to do it. So going against that will feel wrong.
Just remember him keeping you boxed up working for him is wrong, not the other way round.

As for you being the only trustworthy person doing finance ..... a cashier ina shop is trusted to handle finances. Virtually Every business has an accountant, admin people etc. Yes there are some untrustworthy people. But you get my point. He’s talking bollocks

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 08/11/2021 11:54

*squash it down and not listen to it

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 08/11/2021 11:55

In a previous thread you said that he knew working for him made you unhappy. He is willing to keep you unhappy so that he can have his desires met. He's trying to get you to believe that he knows what's best for you, but he either doesn't, or does and doesn't care. He is only willing to make himself happy.

Helpsortmylife · 08/11/2021 11:55

If you are the pp I am thinking of, I remember you OP.

You know taking the job is the right thing to do.

You had to be secretive as you knew what his reaction would be about you wanting to take another job.

You must take the job. And leave him.

Gingernaut · 08/11/2021 11:57

You're his slave.

He doesn't pay you a wage and makes you feel grateful for the work you both put in.

He could cope without you, either by doing the admin and tax stuff he'd be doing anyway as he's self-employed, or by hiring someone else and losing some of the money he's currently enjoying off the back of your labours.

Take the job and run.

turbonerd · 08/11/2021 11:58

Take the job.
Pack a bag, go away, and take the job.
It is no way to live like you do now, and I know how you live because I lived like that for a long time.
Complete Brain-fog and confusion. No happiness.
Take the job.

rooarsome · 08/11/2021 12:05

Please please please take the job.

Goldbar · 08/11/2021 12:08

Take the job and move out.

OP, does your DH pay you a wage at present? It's not clear.

myhairygoat · 08/11/2021 12:09

I remember your previous threads. Please please take the job. We are all here to support you and hold your hand through this. You deserve so much more. Xx

Alcemeg · 08/11/2021 12:14

Sorry OP but I just also want to comment on this:

When I’m with him, everything he says makes sense.

Of course it does! But, let me guess: When you're with him, nothing you say makes sense, right?!

The only time you make sense at all, including to yourself, is when you're alone and the Little Voice can finally get a word in edgeways.

Being with someone like this literally destroys your identity, which is another way of saying it destroys your life.

I spent nearly two decades in a similar situation (not as extreme as yours, I must add) and know how difficult it is to find your strength to get out. But you can do it, I promise you.

You're not even really helping him by staying. You're only masking his spiritual sickness. It's not doing either of you any good.

I thought I'd never remarry, but after many years and plenty of trial and error I did find a lovely man who I now share my life with. He's never angry with me. The whole idea of me crying and begging forgiveness, which was once my routine normality, is now totally bizarre. I can't imagine doing it, or how I did it for so long, or how I wasted so much of my life not realising it's not normal.

Chocaholic9 · 08/11/2021 12:18

You only get one life.

Please take the job and leave. This is your chance. I remember your other thread.

aLittleL1fe · 08/11/2021 12:22

Your partner's actions are controlling and abusive. I've been there. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 08/11/2021 12:22

Take that job! So what if he asks for proof? I'd be having 'the talk' sooner rather than later and let him know that you're taking the job and leaving him. Put a contingency plan in place - can you leave to stay with family/friends for a bit or get w cheap b&b?

ursuslemonade · 08/11/2021 12:27

Op if you're the poster who had threads about her controlling monster of a husband than you need to take the leap. He has fucked with your head long enough.
You can take the job.
You are your own person.
You can leave him and be happy on your own.
Your life sounds like living hell to me.
You don't need to show him proof that you've rejected the job.
Please get out, you only live once.

Do you have a friend, trusted family member who can help with you mentally/emotionally/practically to leave this POS?

SpringCrocus · 08/11/2021 12:29

Please, please take the job, and get away from your vile, abusive husband

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/11/2021 12:31

@TatianaBis

.He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him.

No he can just get an accountant.

This! Please take the job, you said you really wanted it. This would be a chance to see how you feel about doing things for yourself.
Chloemol · 08/11/2021 12:35

Take the job

Carry on with your plans to leave, he’s a controlling bully as evidenced by his reaction

2bazookas · 08/11/2021 12:39

Pack a bag and go and stay with a friend /relative.

Take the job.

Stop letting him control you. Your new free independent life is going to be SO MUCH BETTER>

DeathBy1000PipeCleaners · 08/11/2021 12:41

TAKE THE JOB. This is your key to a happy future. Don't let him take it from you. Take it. Say yes.