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Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 08/11/2021 13:41

Hold on...

You've got a flat you can move into
You've got a job

You've DONE the leg work! Now you just have to walk out that door. That's it. Pack your bag and walk out that door.

Sidehustle99 · 08/11/2021 13:42

You describe the business as his but it sounds very much like a team effort. It does sound like there's a lot of unbalance/control issues in this relationship. I don't think it's healthy for him to be giving you so much guilt about taking another job. I suspect of you stay you will end up doing both anyway.

girlmom21 · 08/11/2021 13:42

Is this the husband who wouldn't let you take annual leave? I might be linking you to the wrong thread.

He's controlled you for a long time.
He's now telling you that the reason you're unhappy is because you can't conceive, not the job. He doesn't see that the reason you're unhappy is him.

Don't withdraw from the job.

Go and be free and happy.

AuntEater · 08/11/2021 13:44

Another vote for take the job

R3ALLY · 08/11/2021 13:46

Are you the lovely woman who wanted to go back to college? And who was told when she could wash her hair? I think of you often. You are a brave person, you can do this. You don’t have children, just go. We are all rooting for you!

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 13:49

It's still there, it needed some work doing to it and the moving date has been pushed back a few times. I looked at other places but this one was ideal and with the job taking a while to do the checks etc I decided to wait for it. It should be ready at the end of the month.

This is encouraging news OP.
What is the proposed start date for the new job?

Bumpsadaisie · 08/11/2021 13:51

TAKE THE JOB!

You don't necessarily have to leave him and find a new house and everything all at the same time. That can follow.

but PLEASE PLEASE TAKE THE JOB!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/11/2021 13:51

TAKE THE JOB!!!!

irishoak · 08/11/2021 13:51

OP I also think I remember some of your previous posts, and they've stayed with me since. Your husband is a monster who treats you like a doll or a toy, not like a person. We're all in your corner and cheering you on - you're so close to your freedom now!

As for reducing his business because he can't trust anyone else - as if, there's no way he'll allow himself to suffer in any way.

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 13:53

I described it to my counsellor as my realistic dream job.

Have you had time to tell your counsellor about you winning the job yet?

If not, when are you able to do that, & what do you think s/he would be encouraging you to think & do about it?

JohnStonesMissus · 08/11/2021 13:56

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing not to take the job
He doesn't own you, you're a grown woman who can make her own choices about how you earn money, you NEED this job to get away from the controlling bastard....please take the job

Sidehustle99 · 08/11/2021 14:00

Please take the job. You can always decline it later if needs be. You don't need to provide evidence of any kind. No employer can hold an employee to ransoms like this. As PP has suggested def try to talk to your councillor and get some perspective on this Thanks

PRsecrets · 08/11/2021 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeggarsMeddle · 08/11/2021 14:06

PLEASE TAKE THE JOB. Take the first step to free yourself from this man. At present you are his hostage. He had made you into his hostage. Like many others I felt I recognised you immediately from your first post. We will all be here for you even if we can't be there for you in real life. Look how many people are rooting for you. So please be brave and take this first step to freedom.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/11/2021 14:07

Take the job.

That's it, just focus on one step and one day at a time.

You have got this, masses of support and advice here when you need it.

L0bstersLass · 08/11/2021 14:10

I think he will ask me to see proof. I don't think I can just say I rejected it.

Perfectly normal to reject a job over the phone so there won't be any evidence.
If that means that he would then want to see your mobile to see a record of a phone call say that they phoned your landline so there won't be a record.

Do not reject this job. His reaction sounds terrible. I totally understand why you want to leave.

GatoradeMeBitch · 08/11/2021 14:11

Can you move into a b & b until it's ready?

ButWeWereOnaBreak · 08/11/2021 14:16

OP it sounds like you've done the hard work- you have a flat (almost) and you have your dream job waiting. Please PLEASE call someone, Women's aid, whoever you like and get the hell out of there. Deal with everything else later. You've come so far and the longer you let him get into your head, the more you will doubt yourself and be less likely to finally leave. You deserve so much more and so much better, it's all waiting on the other side. Sending lots of positive vibes and luck your way xxxx

ItsNotNormalLove · 08/11/2021 14:27

OP You CAN do this. You can do anything you want to do.
You've been SO strong and brave applying for the accommodation and the dream job.
You can do it. We all believe in you.
I've just accepted a new job myself and my DH couldn't be happier or more supportive. Because that's how a DH SHOULD BE. Your DH is not that and he doesn't deserve you. He knows it, that's why he's making it hard for you to leave.
Again, you can do this.
We all believe in you.

mawkthestork · 08/11/2021 14:31

Op please take the job. If he cared about you in any way he would be telling you to take the job for you, he'd be encouraging you to give it a go and supporting you in your dream job and if it didn't work out then he should be welcoming you back with open arms. Not getting angry and controlling.
You need this and you can do it. Take the job.

irene9 · 08/11/2021 14:33

I don't see why you can't take the new job and also stay doing some part time work in your DH's business?
The issue is that you seem to be 'all or nothing' type of person.
You are only seeing two choices:

You either have to leave him, get a new job/rent a place to live.
Or you have to stay with him/stay working full time for him/etc.

That is the unrealistic part for me.
You have a 'secret inner life' that for some reason has to stay 'secret'

My advice is - explain to your DH that you need your own work. That you need and want that independence.

It's possible you could still do the banking for the business part-time... but then gradually hire someone to do the other financial admin?

Bring some of your plan into reality and take it out of the secrecy.
Take the job, then sort the rest out later.
Your DH may be nice but a part of him wants you to stay within his control too.
Even if you refuse this job, you should look for another job. I don't see why you had to keep that secret from your DH.
It's very reasonable for someone to just want their own 'thing' in life.

ImUninsultable · 08/11/2021 14:37

@irene9

Her husband is abusive. She got the flat and the job because she is trying to leave him. That's why she is doing it.
She wont be allowed to do it part time. She isnt even allowed any annual leave. No time off. She had to keep it secret because, as shown when he found out, she isnt allowed and he'll be more abusive towards her if she do what he says.

She had a plan to leave. He's trying to pull her back in and keep control. Do not give her advice to work part time for him or find a different job after discussing with him first. The only advice suitable here is "leave".

LAMPS1 · 08/11/2021 14:44

Please secure the accommodation and take the job.
You are almost there.
Listen to your own heart. Your own heart is correct.
Don’t let his words trick you any longer.
You must live your life for you !
Give yourself this chance OP.
We all know you deserve this chance …please don’t throw it away after all the work you have done to get this far. Don’t give up at the last hurdle. Good luck! You can do it.

Jacopo · 08/11/2021 14:46

Please speak to your counsellor again. And take the job. And leave him. You will be a thousand times happier, believe me,

JSL52 · 08/11/2021 14:50

I recognise you too. PLEASE take the job and the flat.
PLEASE