DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

@SecretJob I do feel like he has a right to be angry. I knew he would be. His business is everything to him. He said it was the same as me basically cheating on him, it was that big of a betrayal. He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him.

The vast majority of self employed/small business owners manage perfectly well without their spouse working for them. They either do the bank/admin themselves or they employ someone to do it for them. It's NOT a reason to stay in the marriage or continue to work for him. He'll simply have to make alternative arrangements.

Take the job. Whether or not you stay with your DH this job is something YOU want. Don't be bullied into staying because it's what your DH wants.
It sounds like you have already checked out of this relationship anyway. Your future plans are elsewhere.

Can you call your counsellor, OP? He's doing your head in, and your counsellor might be able to give you the final push you need.

I agree with the others, too. You need to leave today. Now that he knows you are making plans, I expect his abuse will escalate.

@timeisnotaline

Take the job. Tell him you rejected it. Follow through with leaving. You can do it!!

This

Even if you do reject the job you love he’s not going move on from this (and you 100% should keep it)

He will ramp up the not been able to do or go anywhere the double checking the digs and how bad you made him feel. You have to constantly be making up your “bad behaviour” he never trust you again and probable accuse you of all sorts or make you have even less control over your life.

op i remember you please take the job alot of people apply for jobs and dont say anything till theyve got it because whats tghe point

you havent betrayed him-hes using he trust line to control you into never leaving

How am I to know the history of her marriage? I’m basing my reply off her post. Don’t throw around insults just because you can’t emotionally handle an opinion you don’t agree with.

OP, your updates are making me feel sick with anxiety for you. It’s clear that every impulse you have is to leave this man and this situation, and every time you’re given breathing space away from him, that’s where your thoughts immediately lead you.

Don’t let his presence and his dominance muddy the waters and dissuade you from doing the thing your gut and your subconscious is screaming at you to do - which is get out.

Take your dream job and find your new home. Can you imagine yourself there? How will you feel being able to close the door and do as you please on your own terms? How relieved will you be not to have to accommodate his demands and anxieties? To be free to make your own decisions?

Stop crying and begging forgiveness. Be strong. Take the job

Just to add my voice to the crowd - TAKE THE JOB!

Take control of your own life, don't let him guilt you into staying under his control. Did you talk to your counsellor about this?

@Viviennemary

I think thats a bit sneaky doing things behind his back. Still its done now so what is the point of turning the job down. I would take the job.

Women in abusive & controlling relationships frequently need to resort to being sneaky @Viviennemary, so do sod off with the Head Girl Giving Out Black Marks act.

You too @Megalameg - up to your standard victim blaming antics.

He sounds very very manipulative and you're falling for it. Take the fucking job OP!! He's managed to convince you that you need to be with him, meeting his wants and needs. You're unhappy, you know you are otherwise you wouldn't be planning an escape route. Do you really want to give up your dream job because he's cross? The anger and the shouting is strategic...to keep you where he wants you. Its an act of aggression. Please take the job. Please leave. If you were looking at your situation with a year of space between you and him, you'd be kicking yourself that you stayed so long.

Well done for getting the job. Honestly, congratulations. It’s hard when you’ve been worn down to recognise your self worth.
Well done.

It’s all about him isn’t it? How it affects him.
Not how this is your dream job. How it will make you happy and be good for you.
That’s not what a normal loving relationship looks like. But you know that.
Your just panicking as he found out. Deep breath. Nothings changed. Take the job. Embrace freedom. I promise you it’s glorious. You can Potter round a shop, stay for that cheeky Costa without it being questioned. No longer fear someone going through your messages - even though there’s nothing there, what is there remains yours.

Freedoms glorious. It’s a scary jump. But worth it xxx

You sound exactly like me op.

Thinking all day about leaving, making plans, going on Rightmove etc. But when the time comes, for some reason you can't do it. It makes absolutely no sense.

I've gone a step further than you are. I've moved to my mums. Last night, we could of split up. It was there, we practically had done it....but then I let him carry on speaking and he's coming for tea tonight.

I have no idea what's going on. I want it to end, there's nothing left in me to carry on but I can't seem to end it.

Probably because 'new' is scary. And I also hate hurting people.

If he was a nice person, a supportive and understand partner.....

You'd not be planning to leave him
You'd have told him about the job and he'd have supported you

I've read your previous threads and him being nice his him hoovering you back in, even without the job, his new 'nice' behaviour is only because he senses something is amis, once you're back in your place he'll revert to his usual type.

Don't reject the job, strike whilst the iron is hot, leave him and have a wonderful life and dream job

@kelseypops you can send a message now and say he is not to come round, that you do not wish to speak to him and block him, if he comes round do not engage, if he won’t leave call the police.
You have done the hardest part getting out, you can do this!

@Megalameg

How am I to know the history of her marriage? I’m basing my reply off her post. Don’t throw around insults just because you can’t emotionally handle an opinion you don’t agree with.

Nobody needs to know the history of the marriage in order to recognise that being punished for getting a dream job, ordered to turn it down, & being threatened by an angry man is fucking outrageous.

But you like popping up on threads to make contrarian statements to women going through hell, don't you Megalameg, so I'll simply advise OP to skate on past your posts, & leave you to your fun.

OP - get your ducks in a row and take the job.

OP, I'm worried for you.
This will escalate, starting right now.
You need to get out, today.
And take the job (congratulations)
It's worth a drop in pay for freedom and happiness. You can't buy them.
And he does not have trust issues, he has bullying issues.

It's your dream job, take it! Even discounting the other issues in your relationship by the sounds of it, you don't have to spend your career working towards his dreams.

Don't let the thing about being upset and wanting to cuddle him make you think you're right to stay.

I told my ExH i wanted to leave him on a Friday Night.
We spent the weekend cuddling like i'd said nothing, then i left on the monday morning and didn't look back for a moment.

Its NORMAL to want to seek comfort from him when you're upset, its your default/what you're used to, and leaving IS scary, but its also the right thing to do.

Keep the job, leave him, be happy.

@Megalameg

How am I to know the history of her marriage? I’m basing my reply off her post. Don’t throw around insults just because you can’t emotionally handle an opinion you don’t agree with.

I think you just can't have experienced anything like this kind of relationship, or it would all be clear as day. It's not your fault you don't recognise it, but it's a shame you came down hard on OP when it's the last thing she needs. I've never read any of her previous posts or threads, but I do have my own experience of leaving a marriage that was similar in many important ways.

OP: "I do feel like he has a right to be angry."
Of course you do! You tiptoeing around his right to be angry has more or less dictated your life for as long as you can remember.

What rights of yours does he respect?
The right to have your feelings understood and treated with tenderness?
The right to personal autonomy (what PPs say about your previous threads is pretty horrific)?
The right to have your own hopes and dreams, instead of being permanently in service to his neurotic insecurities?

If your dad is still alive and living on this planet, based on PP comments, please get in touch with him as a matter of urgency.

I think thats a bit sneaky doing things behind his back
This is the most idiotic sentence I've seen for a while on MN.
Is the context of the OP situation lost on you.
The job is a gateway to OP gaining her freedom and independence back.

I, like everyone else here hopes the OP takes it.

Good luck @kelseypops

As @Ihaveroyallyscrewedup says, you can still take charge of the situation. The trouble is that you, like him, just want everything to be nice and normal again. It won't be for some time, unfortunately, and in the process you will have to somehow learn to tolerate upsetting him. I know it's the hardest thing imaginable, but just remind yourself that he has no problem with upsetting you.

@SecretJob it all seems too big doesn't it, too scary and you don't trust that what you've been feeling can be right...

I've just got myself out of an abusive relationship, less than two weeks ago...and I can't tell you how much better I feel already; there is still a lot to be sorted out and that'll take time, but I am out, and it feels good.

You can do it too, just one step at a time. we'll help you.

Take the job, use it as that first step and everything else will follow

Oh OP, I think I remember you too, this is such a sad thread, please TAKE THE JOB!!

If leaving him feels too much just now, please just take the job anyway and then you have options.