OP, I know this is scary and difficult, but you DO have agency and you CAN follow through to freedom and empowerment.
I recall several of your threads, and yours is the most extreme case of coercive control I have ever encountered. You’ve previously commented that to cope you ‘forget’ or minimize your H’s behavior, and then your eyes open again when elaborating in your threads. Be aware that your H is manipulating you again. You and he are repeating the pattern.
Some of your H’s controlling behavior:
*He dominates and expects compliance. You are only allowed to bathe at 7:36 p.m. Sometimes he will try to persuade you to wait until the next day. When you insisted earlier this year, he intentionally sabotaged you by defecating in your bathroom (there are 2) right before 7:36.
*When he spends evening hours (sometimes until midnight) and weekends doing paperwork at the dining room table, you must sit there with him. You are not allowed to say you are uncomfortable or bored. He has rules about what you can and can’t do while there. You can bring him food and do a craft. You can open your iPad but aren’t allowed to wear headphones to watch Netflix. You must tell him what website you are on, and you cannot read or smile/laugh at what you see because you must always be available to chat. You must also inform him about any texts or alerts you receive on your phone. If you go to the bathroom or walk the dogs and he thinks you are taking too long, you must explain why.
*You have a box room office, which gives you a respite from his constant demands, but he will sabotage your going in there by removing your office chair.
*He hates for you to socialize. You have distanced yourself from friends. When you looked forward to attending a friend’s child’s 1st birthday party, he methodically broke you down (as usual). You were initially determined to not give in, but he got angry and taunted you, even saying you’d make a fool of yourself there, and you didn’t go. Now your friend isn’t speaking to you.
*You asked a month in advance to be off on your birthday, as a friend wanted to treat you to a picnic. He reluctantly allowed you 1/2 day off, but you couldn’t enjoy the outing due to your anxiety about being off and worrying that he would start calling you. You don’t think you were good company to your kind friend.
*He is hostile to and about your family. Therefore, you have backed off from interacting with them. He refused to allow you to take a day trip with them. He won’t attend their gatherings and kicks off if you want to go, accusing you of not loving him if you’d leave him alone to attend. He is compelled to tell people they are wrong about things and has no filter, so he has no friends and is on the outs with his family.
*He humiliates you. One morning in March he asked you to ‘help him’ declutter his messy van, as he was picking up someone. When you went out in your pyjamas and coat, he was dumping his van’s trash and clutter on the pavement and you crouched down to start gathering it. He suddenly said he was leaving and you asked him to not move the van yet, as you’d be in clear view of traffic and neighbors. He sped away anyway and you felt mortified. You asked posters if his actions were acceptable.
*He doesn’t care if you are physically uncomfortable. He insists on your accompanying him on his miles and miles of walks, even when you are ill or injured. You enjoy walking a reasonable distance, but he always adds extra miles than agreed on, or goes into rougher terrain. On trips he refuses taxis or public transport, so it’s walk, walk, walk, and you invariably end up in pain and limping for days. He doesn’t care, and if you balk he gets angry, sulks and keeps walking. On a trip to NYC, you had to walk 18+ miles a day, and when you were crying in pain and couldn’t walk the route to dinner, he was furious and refused to get a taxi, bring in take-away, or order room service. You suspect all the hard walking has contributed to your knee and foot injury. At home he insists that you wait on him hand and foot even if you are ill or in pain. When you once burned your hand, he didn’t even comment.
*He has hundreds of rules about everything. This includes home routines, food, and how you spend your money. For example, you are allowed to spend money on your hair but not your nails because he doesn’t like the nail technician. Certain statements and products cannot be mentioned or liked. He decides how much sleep you get, and causes you sleep deprivation.
*No peace or privacy. Whenever you are apart, he bombards you with calls checking up on you, so you are constantly on edge and have developed a stutter. If you cut a call short, he will get back at you for it. He relentlessly checks your phone. One day when you were out and he thought you were in class so didn’t call, you felt utter bliss and peace…
The list goes on and on. You’ve called your life a prison and yourself a shell. You’ve trained yourself to stay in line.
OP, please do not allow this Abuser to sabotage this opportunity for you. You have every right to take this job, and your H doesn’t have to understand or approve. You’ve said that after feeling useless for so long, the interviews gave you hope because they saw your potential. You need to grab that and follow through now.
Take the job and move to your studio apartment when it is ready. Continue counseling for support. You’ve already taken the first step and you can take another. 