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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 30/11/2021 03:41

Sorry have only just seen you have left, well done.

Joystir59 · 30/11/2021 07:29

Good luck op, you are amazing

PerseverancePays · 30/11/2021 07:42

Such a great update, we are all cheering you on. Sending hugs 🤗

SpookyScarySkeletons · 30/11/2021 07:53

@SecretJob

Thanks again for your kind words, I was just having a moment last night I think and I'm okay.

I called into my new house (!!!) this morning on my way to work (I work for him but he doesnt work in the office with me and he leaves a good hour before I do) and it just felt amazing, honestly. It's the first time I'd been in for a while, i didn't have time to go when I collected the keys, it's tiny but it looked like the best thing in the world and I had a moment of just imagining myself there, in the summer, on my own, with the rest of my life open in front of me... i can't wait.

Aw I am so so happy for you!! I have been thinking of you since you first posted and I'm so happy to see you are getting out!!

Definitely will need a virtual housewarming!!

tallduckandhandsome · 30/11/2021 07:59

Great news! When do you move in?

Monkeybumbum7 · 30/11/2021 08:01

We are all rooting for you OP! Your new happier life is starting!

Tomeeornottomee · 30/11/2021 08:24

Best of luck in your new home, your new job and your new life 💐

LadyDanburysHat · 30/11/2021 08:31

I've been following your thread for a while. I'm so happy that the end is in sight for you.

Finals1234 · 30/11/2021 09:14

You are AMAZING! I can't wait to hear your update once you are in your house.

I went through this process of leaving 7 years ago, and like you it was all through a dawning realisation on MN. I live a brand new life now and am a brand new person, I don't recognise the worn out shell I was during my marriage. This will be you soon, too.

Massive kudos to you. This is hard, and you are doing it. It will be SO worth it when you get to the other side x

Finals1234 · 30/11/2021 09:17

I keep thinking I should just tell him straight away I'm leaving, and just do whatever I need to to get through the next two weeks, but whenever I try to talk to him about it, i can't. I have no idea how to end a relationship

Please do not tell him you are planning to end the relationship. Tell him after you have gone, that it is over. And even then, keep your conversations with him to an absolute minimum. DOn't allow him to guilt-trip his way back into your life, and never, ever tell him where you are living.

Have you thought about getting your post redirected from now? Just so it is done, and you know it is all working before you leave. You don't want that to be an excuse for him to get back in touch with you.

TheresACrackInEverything · 30/11/2021 09:43

Won't Royal Mail send a letter to OPs current address if she does a redirect? Better to inform the important ones directly.

TatianaBis · 30/11/2021 10:00

I hate who I've become, I've said it before but I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be, I don't have a personality or opinions or anything. Do you think after I've left I will ever be able to get my old self back, is that even possible or am I too far gone?

I know a lady who has just got out of an abusive relationship in her 60s. She’s blooming. The core of who you are never dies. You’ve had to pull yourself in tight, once you let that go you can come back into yourself.

That’s not to say that some counselling might be helpful. Just see how you go.

TatianaBis · 30/11/2021 10:02

Please do not tell him you are planning to end the relationship. Tell him after you have gone, that it is over. And even then, keep your conversations with him to an absolute minimum. DOn't allow him to guilt-trip his way back into your life, and never, ever tell him where you are living.

Absolutely right.

Do not tell him until you’ve gone.

blusteredbirds · 30/11/2021 10:05

I know a lady who has just got out of an abusive relationship in her 60s. She’s blooming. The core of who you are never dies. You’ve had to pull yourself in tight, once you let that go you can come back into yourself

Such a brilliant way to put it!

So pleased for you OP! Your own life and your own self back! So happy for you!

And I second what TatianaBis said, once your out, keep him out for good. Its your life, your way now. Brilliant!

Peach2021 · 30/11/2021 10:20

Oh @SecretJob it is so lovely to imagine you in your new place...

babybunny123 · 30/11/2021 10:24

Wishing you all the luck in the world, well done you !!!

Sidehustle99 · 30/11/2021 10:26

If you are redirecting post through Royal Mail do not fill in the online form. It does send a letter to the house. There is a special team that deal with DA cases abs make sure the letter is not sent. You must ask them to do the redirect for you.

CaveMum · 30/11/2021 10:32

So glad you’ve got the keys a d can make a start on moving things across.

Agree with the others that you should turn off your phone/turn off location services when you are moving stuff, better to be safe than sorry.

steppemum · 30/11/2021 10:38

just seen this thread appear in active, and I am so pleased to see the updates.
Well done OP, hang on in there, just a few more days.

You are doing so well.

I loved that picture of you standing in your little flat, and the word I think of is you are surrounded by peace x x

ChinstrapBobblehat · 30/11/2021 10:46

Such a lovely, optimistic update about visiting your new home, @SecretJob. Hold onto that feeling and don’t let him grind you down any more. Only 10 days to go, just think of it as the best advent calendar ever as you count down the days. We’re all counting with you x

pointythings · 30/11/2021 10:53

What a lovely update! And soon you will have your first Christmas in your new home and your new life.

SpottyBumPony · 30/11/2021 11:21

You sound so positive OP, you have the world behind you x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/11/2021 11:34

Wishing you all the very best. A long road, but you've got there.

Yuledo · 30/11/2021 11:47

It may take a while but yes, you’ll get your old self back. It’ll be strange at first, making your own decisions and choices but the important thing is that they will be yours! The freedom that will bring will be amazing!
Anyway if you make his life hard, you’ll be doing him a favour 😀

meadowbleu · 30/11/2021 11:52

@Sidehustle99

If you are redirecting post through Royal Mail do not fill in the online form. It does send a letter to the house. There is a special team that deal with DA cases abs make sure the letter is not sent. You must ask them to do the redirect for you.
Quoting to make sure @SecretJob and anyone else who needs this info, Doesn’t overlook it.
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