DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

Just remember how brave toy are being and that soon you will be away from him. You are human! I've made lots of work mistakes and none of them have really mattered. He is enjoying that he can use this against you & affect your confidence. But it's you that is the good person

Oh please, please keep strong! You are so nearly free!

If that subscription was so very important, he should also have been aware of it coming up and have a note to check it in the calendar. It's not all on you. Hang in there - almost there.

You are doing soooooooo well @SecretJob. Hang on in there. You’ve seen the light, you’re able to detach and see how dysfunctional your relationship is, and you’re on your way.

As others have said, he’d be all sweetness and light if he had an inkling of what you’re doing, so maybe take his continuous abuse as confirmation that he’s none the wiser.

As for finding the real ‘you’ again? Don’t worry. It’s in your DNA. It’ll come back. I promise.

Be strong OP you are going to be fine. Let his behaviour galvanise your resolve. In less than 2 weeks you will be free.

Yes you will become completely yourself again and you will stop checking in on him mentally but it will take time. Thoughts
like 'he wouldn't like that' will go away.

You will start living, dressing, eating for you. Everything you do will be new and exciting. Imagine watching what ever you want on TV. Imagine being able to read uninterrupted for hours if you want. Imagine planting flowers in your garden you have chosen. Decorating in your own style.

Those who have been where you are now know it is the small everyday things that make such a huge difference. You will become yourself again and the beauty of it is that you will be allowed to make mistakes.

You've got this OP. You have managed to sort a new job, housing and are so strong. It's normal to have doubts. If you need to feel strong just imagine how he would be if you were ill and needed help for 3 or 4 weeks. Would he be there for you or would it all be about how you are letting him down? How the business is suffering? Imagine being old and vulnerable with him.

Not long now OP. You are almost there. You have hundreds of us behind you. I will be having a glass of wine or two to celebrate your liberation with you

Oh that sounds miserable, I'm so sorry to hear that. But please don't let it knock you off track, instead use it as a reminder of why you must leave (I know you don't need one).

I understand what you're saying about becoming a shell and empty of opinions. You are not empty though, you are squashed, and with time and space, you will begin to rise again.

And you don't have to do it alone. You have become so isolated that you have no one to help you through these awful days but once you're out, you can call on anyone you like, at any time.

You are so close to the life you deserve. Kia kaha/stay strong

Your breathing will expand slowly but surely.

After a while you will find yourself filling your lungs to capacity and your will be filled with such a profound sence of peace, relief, calm, pride at what you have survived.

You will survive and you will thrive.

Just keep your wits about you and get away safely.

You are doing great.

You will get yourself back. It will take time, but it will come. Your new job will have a proper separation of work and home, so if you do make a mistake - because you're human - it won't follow you home.

Let this be a reminder of why you're leaving.

Keep on keeping on. You will have a great Christmas to look forward to. Decorate to your taste, or not at all. Cook yourself a feast and dress up FOR YOU. Or spend the day in pjs eating sausage rolls. It will be YOUR choice and you will love it.

@BonnesVacances

One plus from your update OP is that he obviously hasn't cottoned on to the fact that you're leaving, otherwise he'd be on his best behaviour. Use these times to strengthen your resolve.

Yes this!

You'll find yourself again, and given time she'll be stronger than before. Less than two weeks to go

I'm so glad to read that you are almost out of there. Keep going, honestly your life is going to be so much better. You will find you again

@SecretJob

It's been a difficult day today, i know I'm going soon but it has really gotten me down.

I made a mistake at work which limited how much work he could do today by about a third. I forgot to renew a subscription, it will be fixed tomorrow but he uses it on a Sunday. I apologised, i know it was my fault. I would expect, in a normal job, that my boss would have a word about it. But it's so awful coming from your husband.

He gave me such a telling off and said he needs me to "start putting us first" and he said I make his life hard. I don't know how he can say that to me - my entire existence up until now has been about making his life easy. All he has to do is go to work. I just sat holding the dog and apologising and wanting to disappear. He's kept making digs at me all night.

I hate who I've become, I've said it before but I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be, I don't have a personality or opinions or anything. Do you think after I've left I will ever be able to get my old self back, is that even possible or am I too far gone?

You absolutely will. You are doing a tremendously brave thing, look how far you've come! You have keys! That's amazing! You are going to be safe and independent, making your own choices, and living your life! You'll be happy again You will need some coping mechanisms but you'll absolutely get there.

I remember how that felt, to sit there apologising over and over while he berated me. No apology or agreement ever good enough, even the tone of voice I used wasn't right for him.

You can do it OP! It's hard but I'm finding myself again and you will too! You deserve a happy peaceful life.

When you finally get moved in , you need to give yourself the biggest pat on the back and realise just how strong you are.

You have come so far, so very far….you’re nearly there my lovely…deep breath, you can totally do this….we are all behind you xx

@SimpsonsXmasBoogie

I hate who I've become, I've said it before but I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be, I don't have a personality or opinions or anything. Do you think after I've left I will ever be able to get my old self back, is that even possible or am I too far gone?

I remember asking myself this exact same question when I finally plucked up the courage to get away from my ex. That was 10 years ago and I am like a completely different person now. If anything I'd say I probably am more opinionated that an average person, and certainly very vocal about it 😆

It takes some time to shake off your old ways of thinking but you will get there. I personally have never tried the freedom programme but a lot of people on here recommend it as a good way to recover.

Secret, as wise PP have said, you WILL come back to yourself.

When you do, the marvel of it is how you eventually "come back stronger". By that, I don't mean a person who now needs strength, endurance, resilience, bravery, etc.
I mean a woman in her own right, who has earned her qualities, & has them embedded so far into her lovely soul & psyche that they are a resource she can now eternally call upon.

Initially, those resources are for yourself.
You will not be alone, because you know how welcomed & supported you are e.g. here .. there are also more formal, learned resources, for you to dip in & out of when you choose. Women's Aid, for example, offer a lot of online courses for victims & survivors, so take heart, & if this question bothers you again, have a noodle around their website.

Not suggesting you do this now, or feel it is yet another thing on an endless "to do" list! - but for future reference, you might find a great deal of comfort here, & this is good page to start with - www.welshwomensaid.org.uk/what-we-do/survivor-engagement/

Once you are out, please send a message to "Picnic" friend, (& any others that you have been obliged to discard). Tell her you are sorry, you understand your behaviour was flakey, but you have now fled your domestic abuse situation, & if she can forgive you, you would love to meet up there is so much to explain.
Pick up your old friendships. May be do some volunteering? join a club ?
Slowly you will rebuild your network of friends.
Already you will have new work colleagues, so possibly you will strike up new friendships there.
Just be wary not to fall into the arms for normal kindness as potential new man material, you are really too vulnerable at the moment.

Mix's point about "normal kindness" is a good one.
I can remember the feeling of bewildered astonishment, post-survival, when Normally Kind male friends offered small helpful acts - it was hard not to break down in tears.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. One step at a time!
Also - Secret, you don't need to be thinking in terms of "sorry" or "flakey" about your good self.

WHEN you are ready, the terms "regrettable withdrawal from good people", "self-preservation against Ex's disapproval of my socialising" & "now free to pick up my life & good pals" are going to be much more beneficial AND TRUTHFUL.

xx

There's no problem saying "sorry" she let this friend down, & it was "flakey" from the friend's POV.
No harm in being humble & apologising.

The friend doesn't know why, Yet.

@50ShadesOfCatholic You are so close to the life you deserve. Kia kaha/stay strong

It means so much to me that you said that. I lived in NZ for a year and loved it, it was the last time I really felt like "me". Kia ora.

You’ve got this: you’re doing so well!

Just seen you took the job and have the keys, YES OP!!!!!!!!!!! you can do this!!! Keep going xx

Thanks again for your kind words, I was just having a moment last night I think and I'm okay.

I called into my new house (!!!) this morning on my way to work (I work for him but he doesnt work in the office with me and he leaves a good hour before I do) and it just felt amazing, honestly. It's the first time I'd been in for a while, i didn't have time to go when I collected the keys, it's tiny but it looked like the best thing in the world and I had a moment of just imagining myself there, in the summer, on my own, with the rest of my life open in front of me... i can't wait.

That’s so lovely good luck

LOVELY update Secret, how marvellous for you to have had that moment of clear space in a safe home where you can breathe freely.

:)