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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ChristmasPlanning · 26/11/2021 18:54

Great ideas from the PP to say you are having a charity clear out. That way your have an excuse to move clothes etc out

50ShadesOfCatholic · 26/11/2021 20:21

@ChristmasPlanning

Great ideas from the PP to say you are having a charity clear out. That way your have an excuse to move clothes etc out
Honestly I wouldn't, he is already paranoid. He'll probably insist on driving her to the charity shop.

OP knows how to handle it, little by little.

Thinking of you today OP, you've got this x

TheresACrackInEverything · 26/11/2021 22:21

I have been reading this and really rooting for you, OP. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to add my support and hope you can get out of this terrible situation.

Weenurse · 26/11/2021 22:37

Congratulations on the job and good luck with the move. 💐

bewilderedhedgehog · 27/11/2021 11:29

OP, hope you got the keys yesterday. Another step forwards. I want to wish you the very very best of luck for your move and for your new life

Duvetflower · 27/11/2021 11:57

Do you have somewhere safe you can keep a spare key?

rainbowstardrops · 27/11/2021 12:22

Good luck OP! Thanks

Nove · 27/11/2021 14:49

Do you have somewhere safe you can keep a spare key?

This is a good point, you don't want him finding your keys. I found a great hiding place when I was having to live with my XH while we sold the house. You can slide small flat things like keys, credit cards, SIM card or even bank notes into an unopened sanitary towel and then stash it back in the middle of the pack. I would very much doubt a man would think to check a pack of towels (or as my XH would say - women's stuff!).

Original poster
SecretJob · 27/11/2021 21:10

I got the keys. And that's actually a really good idea about hiding a spare key, I'll do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretJob · 27/11/2021 21:12

@Nove

Do you have somewhere safe you can keep a spare key?

This is a good point, you don't want him finding your keys. I found a great hiding place when I was having to live with my XH while we sold the house. You can slide small flat things like keys, credit cards, SIM card or even bank notes into an unopened sanitary towel and then stash it back in the middle of the pack. I would very much doubt a man would think to check a pack of towels (or as my XH would say - women's stuff!).

I'm equally impressed at your ingenuity and saddened that that was something you had to do.
OP posts:
Momijin · 27/11/2021 21:18

That's wonderful op. Made up for you xx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2021 21:20

I am willing you on SO much OP. I can't tell you how excited I am for your new life. Keep going, you're doing so good well! Thanks

Yuledo · 27/11/2021 21:40

Just don’t let your guard down for the next two weeks. All the luck in the world, op. You deserve it,

AcrossthePond55 · 27/11/2021 23:30

Marvelous! Those keys are your talisman, proof that you are getting out. Before you know it, you will be gone and free!

The sanitary towel idea is brilliant! I remember a MNer who hid her 'fuck you fund' cash in a box of tampons because she knew her H would never look there.

ChaToilLeam · 28/11/2021 08:36

OP, reading your update and feeling very hopeful for you. You can do it!

TellMeItsPossible · 28/11/2021 16:07

So, so pleased for you.

One thing that I would do, if I were in your position, is to have a plan B. Like, what if I had to leave immediately? Would I be OK? Would I have enough to love comfortably? Are my precious things safe, or are they possibly replaceable? Could I go, and never return, with only a few minutes notice? That would help me feel safe.

HoseMeDownWithHolyWater · 28/11/2021 16:16

Oh my gosh, OP.

I've been following your posts for ages. I will cry when you finally escape.

overthethamesfromyou · 28/11/2021 19:14

And as you go back and forth to drop stuff off, please turn off your phone location services or leave it somewhere else. I know you know that, but I don't want him chancing on the address.

3luckystars · 28/11/2021 19:56

You don’t need to ‘end’ anything, you just need to walk and keep walking.

Imagine you were getting into your car, and some nutter walking past just shouted abuse at you. You have a choice, shout back and draw him on you or ignore and he will just go away, leaving you to get on with your day.

I would pick ignoring and walking away, you could waste the rest of your life reasoning why they did it, or worse, get injured by confronting them. It’s not worth it. Turn completely away and put it behind you. Don’t stop, don’t reason, don’t try to talk, just get yourself away from it.

You know that you know that you KNOW that this is not love. Deep down you know you have to get away.

No body can promise you a wonderful life but we can all promise you a much better life than the one you have now.

The very best of luck. Don’t post here anymore if it is risky.

Soon you will be able to post to your hearts content. Soon you will be free.

Good luck.

ChargingBuck · 28/11/2021 20:26

Such excellent advice from the PP responding to Secret's latest update.

Fantastic news & relief about your key, Secret, & I love Pond's notion of a talisman.

Hang on in there you are brave & resourceful.
Steady & calm *, easy does it, no boat rocking ... Flowers

I know*. But this is a 'fake it til you make it' situation xx

Original poster
SecretJob · 28/11/2021 23:12

It's been a difficult day today, i know I'm going soon but it has really gotten me down.

I made a mistake at work which limited how much work he could do today by about a third. I forgot to renew a subscription, it will be fixed tomorrow but he uses it on a Sunday. I apologised, i know it was my fault. I would expect, in a normal job, that my boss would have a word about it. But it's so awful coming from your husband.

He gave me such a telling off and said he needs me to "start putting us first" and he said I make his life hard. I don't know how he can say that to me - my entire existence up until now has been about making his life easy. All he has to do is go to work. I just sat holding the dog and apologising and wanting to disappear. He's kept making digs at me all night.

I hate who I've become, I've said it before but I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be, I don't have a personality or opinions or anything. Do you think after I've left I will ever be able to get my old self back, is that even possible or am I too far gone?

OP posts:
SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 28/11/2021 23:16

I hate who I've become, I've said it before but I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be, I don't have a personality or opinions or anything. Do you think after I've left I will ever be able to get my old self back, is that even possible or am I too far gone?

I remember asking myself this exact same question when I finally plucked up the courage to get away from my ex. That was 10 years ago and I am like a completely different person now. If anything I'd say I probably am more opinionated that an average person, and certainly very vocal about it 😆

It takes some time to shake off your old ways of thinking but you will get there. I personally have never tried the freedom programme but a lot of people on here recommend it as a good way to recover.

Dery · 28/11/2021 23:20

You will be able to get your old self back. It will take time - maybe even a few years to feel completely yourself again - but there are women who've been where you are, escaped and in the long run made much happier lives for themselves. A poster on a thread once described leaving an abusive relationship as being like fleeing from a burning building. You will probably get a bit burnt on the way out - perhaps inhale some smoke, perhaps break an ankle leaping from the burning building - but you will get to safety and be able to start a new life.

It will probably take several months - perhaps longer - before you stop hearing his voice in your head and thinking the thoughts that he has planted there (if you read "In The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head", it explains this all really well). However, with time and once you're in your own environment and able to please yourself, you will start to hear your own voice more and more strongly. After all - it's hearing your voice and listening to your needs that has got you to the position of finding a new job and finding somewhere else to live. I think you will find it to be a really exciting and life-enhancing voyage of discovery to find your way back to yourself.

Hoppyhops · 28/11/2021 23:21

OP I have just caught up with your story and I think you are so brave and you are doing brilliantly. He is just continuing the pattern of coercion and abuse he has always done- eroding your self confidence to make him feel powerful.

Keep playing along with it, safe in the knowledge that you are nearly free. It will take time to feel like ‘you’ again but you will get there- the first step is leaving him and this life behind. Keep seeing your counsellor and working through it. You will start to find yourself again, I promise. Take care of yourself. I can’t wait to see you post that you are out of there for good.

BonnesVacances · 28/11/2021 23:26

One plus from your update OP is that he obviously hasn't cottoned on to the fact that you're leaving, otherwise he'd be on his best behaviour. Use these times to strengthen your resolve.