DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

I've been so hoping you'd get away from him, please take care, not long to go

You're doing amazing but stay vigilant like you are

Oh I’m so happy to hear you’re nearly free this time. The time when you gave up on the teacher training course because he found out at the last minute was one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. Your story has stayed with me ever since. I think that’s partly because he’s so awful and you’re clearly so lovely, but also because you’re a brilliant writer.

If you wanted to, you could write an incredibly moving and powerful book about your story, once you’re free of him and looking back.

Wishing you all the strength, love and solidarity in the world.

Have my fingers tightly crossed for you x

You've got this.
You can do it.
You will do it.
And we will all be here supporting you!

Another one cheerleading you for nearly being there, @SecretJob! Really excited for you that you're on the cusp of a new, free life where you get to have a bath when you want to, and you can live free of fear and eggshells.

Go you!

So happy to hear you're staying strong and determined

I can almost hear the MN crowd cheering for you !!

(And if I knew you in RL I'd be popping champagne with you on the 26th too ! )

You're doing 100% the right thing in maintaining your composure and being super careful with internet/ emails etc !

We're all with you 100,000,000% !

What a great update! Carry on keeping your head down and counting the days. Not long now!

You're doing great! Best of luck. You'll have a whole new life.

Also cheering you on!
I wish you the very best that life has to offer you x

I'm cheering for you! You've had fantastic advice on here so I won't add to it. Just be very careful when you actually leave. It s a worrying time for abuse.

The reasons for you wanting to leave are still there. Maybe this is the time for you to gather the strength and leave. No one should make your life a misery

Thinking of you OP

Roll on Friday!

Remember this week that every day is "the very last Monday, very last Tuesday" etc
Then on Saturday its the start of your new life; you decide all the small, medium and large things and do what makes YOU happy and content.

All the very best of luck in your new job and new life.

Oh wow, what a brilliant update. You sound very strong and together. You're going to be absolutely fine

Please take note of MrsTerry's advice for when you actually leave - you don't know what he might do. Prepare for the worst and keep yourself safe.

This is brilliant OP. This will sound patronising but I feel so proud of you. You have been navigating an incredibly difficult, scary and complex situation and you're doing it. Every time you have a set back, you get back up again. Well done!!!!

You do sound very strong and determined. I sure you have weak moments but you know you have to do this. I wish you the very best of luck.

@Triffid1 thank you, that's so lovely of you to say. I don't feel like I deserve how kind everyone has been to me.

@Yuledo I do, it is very hard. What I've realised though is, when I'm having doubts about if I'm doing the right thing, it's not really that I'm worried about not being with DH anymore, I'm more worried about the uncertainty of my future - how I'll manage the practicalities of living on my own, will I be alone forever, etc. Which is different to how I've felt other times I've wanted to leave.

You do deserve it!

Have a chunk of self belief

You've survived living with this abuser. You'll survive, cope and thrive living freely..

Keep going, @SecretJob. You’re doing brilliantly and we’re all here cheering you on. You’re within touching distance of a whole new life.

It may seem scary in some ways, but just focus on how amazing it will feel to be free - to say what you want, think what you want, do what you want, with no one policing and punishing you. You can even have a bath whenever you fucking want - imagine! Stay strong, you’re almost there

SecretJob the thing is that everyone's life and future is uncertain. And the only certainty you have if you stay is that your husband will continue to control you, bully, belittle you and abuse you. That's not a certainty worth hanging on to.

Whereas on the other side of the equation you have been able to arrange alternative accommodation, got your ducks in a row and got yourself a job. You've proved that you're completely capable of managing your own life. Step into it and make it happen - not long now!

You absolutely do deserve kindness! I think it's part of how he's beaten you down that you may think you don't.

I'm more worried about the uncertainty of my future - how I'll manage the practicalities of living on my own, will I be alone forever, etc.

As far as the future, just remember that right now you are miserable. And right now you know that your future will be miserable if you stay. So let the future take care of itself for right now. Just concentrate on getting out and getting free.

I don't feel like I deserve how kind everyone has been to me.

You DO deserve it. YOU DO!

In a year or so, you will look back at this period of you life & realise that you were a powerhouse of strength & stamina.

It's like the concept of bravery.
Brave isn't charging into battle because you have no fear.
Brave is feeling shit-scared, & fighting for your cause anyway.

Enduring sustained abuse (& yours has been extreme my dear) takes a phenomenal character. You are a bloody marvel. Keep your lovely marvellous head down, keep safe, & keep us posted when you can!
xx

it's not really that I'm worried about not being with DH anymore, I'm more worried about the uncertainty of my future - how I'll manage the practicalities of living on my own, will I be alone forever, etc.

I hope you take tremendous satisfaction in this shift in your thinking.
At last! - instead of every waking moment being about Mr Controller's wishes, you are thinking for YOU.

The future is always uncertain.
You will manage the practicalities, & there are plenty of PP to help, support, advise, once you are out.
As to being alone - there is NO loneliness like the loneliness of being trapped in an abusive relationship.
You have new colleagues, neighbours & friends to meet. You will feel FAR less alone than you did with your STBeX, who never allowed you to interact with other people anyway.

But enough about him - all the focus on YOU now please :)