DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

I don't feel like I deserve how kind everyone has been to me.

You absolutely do deserve kindness. Your shift in thinking will carry you through this last bit and show your growing strength. You were beaten down but are rising up. It is inspirational. Keep going.

Keep strong OP, not long now!

Your life will be full of wonderful possibilities & decisions! You will have agency over your own life

I can understand your fear, like being let out of a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit, & overwhelmed by the big new world & its possibilities Everyday will be full of options,
You can eat, sleep, stop for a coffee, speak to strangers, be early, be late, spend your day in pyjamas.
Its a wonderful world, you are clearly more than capable if surviving in it, you run the admin for a company, & probably a household, you were accepted for college, you have landed a job ahead of many others, you have sought out & been accepted for a flat.
Take one day at a time.

Don't just change your number, do a factory reset on the phone. In fact, wipe it, sell it and buy a new one that he never gets near.
I'm rooting for you so hard!!

...worried about the uncertainty of my future - how I'll manage the practicalities of living on my own...
Keep Strong!! You're doing so well
And if you do have any questions or uncertainty about living in your own, just come here for advice!

As I'm sure you know by now, MN is full of advice

Just checking in to say hi and hoping you get to Friday without drama 💐

Your future is certain to be miserable with your DH, if you don't leave. We know that. If you leave... Who knows? Nobody really knows, but I'd be willing to put big money on your future without DH looking bloody fantastic in comparison.

Good luck!

Do a mental inventory OP, just to 'check off' everything you need to take with you tomorrow when you leave.(Remember to take all 'sentimental' items and anything you'd need to replace if you left it e.g laptop etc)

Keep being super careful about being online etc

Only 1 more day to go until you can finally breathe a sigh of relief, and fully relax in your own place.

Don't worry at all about being able to 'cope' alone, because you've been doing that your entire marriage. All he did was make sure you used your coping 'abilities' to make his life easier ! You've always been able to 'cope'.

Is anyone helping you move your stuff tomorrow ? If so, you might think about whether you'd like them to stay/come back in the evening for a takeaway or something ? It may help you to get 'comfortable' being in your new home and also help prevent you from 'obsessing' about what you H is doing/thinking etc

I'd wish you strength, but you have tons of it !
I'd wish you luck, but you don't need it !
I'd wish you happiness, but you've already found the path to it !
I'd wish you peace, but you'll have it soon because you changed things for yourself !

So I'll simply wish you joy, in all you do, in all you have and will have and in all who believe in you ! (And that's a lot of people btw ! )

Thinking of you OP, and so excited for you! You'll probably find, like I did, that actually coping with everything (although daunting at the beginning) was actually a hundred times easier without him around.

Try and set yourself up some future support - you could do the Freedom Programme in person or online, maybe arrange some extra counselling for the next month or two to give you that extra support you might need and to help you make sense of all the changes happening in your life, think about a new hobby or class you could do perhaps. You've spent so much of your time (as I did!) on him, that you might find you now have more hours in the day than you know what to do with!

I've been lurking on many of your threads and have always hoped you'd get free one day. Thinking of you today, you're far stronger than you think you are and you will cope and be happy on your own.

When I left my controlling XH (who was nowhere near as controlling as yours), this song really resonated with me and I used to listen to it on repeat. I heard it again on the radio the other day and thought of you. In case the link doesn't work it's Right to be Wrong by Joss Stone.

Keep strong SecretJob, you need to do this. The light at the end of the tunnel is so, so close.

Hi OP - I have been following your thread. I am rooting for you, I am glad you took the job and I have my fingers crossed for the flat. I remember previous posts about having to sit up at the table all night and him sabotaging the office space that you could get some privacy in, and I am so pleased that you have found this strength to get free of him.

I just wanted to add that even if he is not technologically minded, turn off the GPS in your phone/iPad/devices before you leave the house. Check your apps and make sure there is nothing you don't recognise/use, and that there is definitely no sort of "find my friends" app on there.

Even better, buy yourself a cheap PAYG phone or buy a new phone with a cheap contract as soon as you have proof of residence at the new address.

If he bought any of the devices, or is named on the subscription/bills, he may be able to access Find My Phone or use his Google account to track "his" devices. Also check your location settings (www.wikihow.com/Hide-Your-Location-on-Facebook-Messenger) in any apps like Facebook and Instagram (I once sent a message via Messenger that helpfully informed my parents that I was not in the country.)

Snap chat and some other apps have a map on them too. Good luck for tomorrow OP

Just here to wave some Pom poms, hold your hand and bang your drum, as pp have said turn everything off, if you can afford a burner phone get one better safe than found. You have absolutely got this, you won't just be free to live you life you will thrive xx

You’re almost there. Let our best wishes light your way. 💕

I'm getting the keys tomorrow but I'm not moving for another two weeks. I had to book a movers company to help me move the spare bed etc and they were pretty busy. He's got a busy day booked at work that day and I've got an excuse to work at home that day so it should give me all day.

I'm going to spend the time before moving some smaller things over, important documents, clothes that won't be missed, stock up with some food like others have suggested.

A bit less than ideal but I'll be in before I start my new job which is the main thing I wanted.

I think prepping quietly in the background isn't a bad thing, and moving in when you already have some things in, some food, some furniture will make it all easier.

Your tenacity and patience are amazing.

Good luck I have read so many of your posts and your future will be so awesome without him xx

That's great OP. It will give you a chance to get all of your sentimental items out. You could do a pre Christmas clear out for charity (wink) and move some bigger stuff. Don't forget to take your favourite Christmas decs and all of that stuff. At least you will have a good excuse for poking about in the loft etc. Rooting for you every day

OMG that's brilliant! Keep going. Keep strong. Get yourself some treats for when you move in. You have GOT THIS.

Oh OP I am rooting for you so hard!!! Best of luck. I've been counting down for you in my head :) you've done amazingly well to get this far and should be incredibly proud of yourself. Lots of positive vibes xxxxxx

Brilliant news OP. Fingers crossed that you manage to get yourself organised and everything runs smoothly on moving day. I'm sure you've already thought of these but remember to get things like cleaning materials, etc at the flat and do lists of everything you need to take with you (obviously somewhere he can't access) if you only have a day you want to be able to know precisely what you're taking.

Good luck OP... please keep us posted we're all routing for you. Sending lots of strength and positivity... you got this xxx

Following from your previous threads.

Stay safe, stay strong and run for your life from this man.

Awesome recall @MsDogLady was far worse than I remembered.