DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP, I also think it would be a good idea to leave your mobile when you leave.
I say this because he may have a 'find my phone' app or similar on it so that he knows exactly where you are.

Get yourself a cheap new mobile with a new number so you can give your new job and trusted friends the new number. (Don't give your DM the new number. You can call her when and if you're up to it later)

If you leave your phone, he can't phone/text you, so you won't need to 'avoid' calls or dwell over texts etc.

You won't be constantly worrying about whether he will call or text either.

It takes away his power to continually bombard you with love bombing or threats. It takes away his power because ALL his 'power' is 100% dependent on him being able to contact you in one way or another, either in person physically, verbally over the phone or by a written message. To make you feel 'guilty' , 'ashamed' , 'weak' , 'dependent', 'sorry for him' etc etc. ALL are designed to force you to do what he wants, by whatever means he can think of.

Trust me, you will feel a LOT better when he cannot contact you.

And as far as his business is concerned, there's nothing preventing him from sorting that himself ! He doesn't 'need' you for the business, it simply suited him to use you for that because he could control you much easier when you couldn't be 'influenced' by 'outsiders'

So, leave your phone, buy a new one.

Also, if you have a car, consider either buying a new registration number, leaving the car or parking a few streets away from your new house/ work, because if he sees your car either at home or at work, he'll be able to find you.

@updownroundandround

Great advice.

You could decide you will only be contacting him via email too.

Most location services can be turned off. Of course that doesn't do anything about spyware or key loggers.

You can do a hard factory reset to remove all personal data and this will 'wipe' your phone clean. This is what is done to ready phones for resale so the previous owners info isn't passed on to a new owner. Do this before you leave your phone behind or dispose of it another way.

I don't know if I'd leave it behind. If it was a valuable phone, I think I'd be more inclined to wipe it and leave it with a trusted friend, with the battery wholly discharged. At some point you may be able to have it 'made safe' at a good phone shop (or Apple Store if it's an iPhone).

But getting a new phone and phone number is a good idea to get started in your new life. I'd do it early enough so that you can manually transfer your contacts and download new apps, then store it somewhere out of the house or business.

I’m a little worried that the OP has stopped posting. Hope her H hasn’t found this thread!

How're you doing OP? We're all thinking of you and hoping for the best.

I'm worried this will go the way of her last thread when she had a place lined up for a couple of weeks time and then stopped posting...

@FrazzledCareerWoman

I agree, I really hope she hasn't told him anything and that the job is still on She is so close to being free

She said she was only coming back occasionally to make sure he remains oblivious

I'm still here, still reading. Thank you for all the advice. I'm not getting much time to come online at the minute, I feel like he's keeping a close eye on me and every time I pick up my phone when he's in the room he asks what I'm doing. I'm also so worried I will make a silly mistake and leave myself logged in to something, or he will check my history, or I'll forget to delete the app. I checked the history on my home computer and he had logged into my emails in the middle of the night a few days after it all happened and he will sometimes go into my phone randomly anyway, so I've been finding it easier to just not do anything that I might make a mistake with or that might trigger his suspicion.

He's not very technically minded so I don't think he would have put anything on my phone, but I am going to change my number. I have been carrying all my important documents on me for a while now just in case, and I have spoken to a removals company to arrange taking my stuff, it's helping me to get some logistical stuff planned. I'm pretty much at a point now with his work stuff where I can leave, I know a lot of you have said not to worry about it but I know if I didn't sort them out it would make me feel even worse and be another stick for him to beat me with, if I can have everything to a certain point I can feel okay about myself with it, if that makes sense.

I feel a lot stronger this time than last time. I had a zoom meeting with my new manager and she seemed really nice, and I've had some paperwork back and forth and the job has just sounded better and better. I'm excited. I'm hopeful for my future, and I haven't felt like this for a long time. Even with the teacher training that I arranged, I think I always knew that would come tumbling down. I actually think this job is a better fit for me than that was, I feel more confident in this decision and I'm worried about what's to come and what I'm going to have to get through in these next few months but I am also feeling so positive.

Stay strong, OP. Your husband is horrible, but you are so close to being free. Don’t let any sense of guilt or obligation hold you back.

You are sounding stronger.

Stay safe.

Keep trucking - stay strong

You sound like you have a much clearer picture of where you want to be and how to get there. We are all cheering you on! What you are doing is awesome! It makes my day every time I log on and see your progress. You are bloody marvellous.

He logs into your emails? He checks your phone?
Can you not change your passwords? Tell him you had a security alert and were told to?
Stay strong, you are nearly free!

Take the job. It might be hard now to get through this bit, but you need to hang on to the reason why you applied for it in the first place. Just take it. And leave. Don't let yourself be manipulated.

I'm excited. I'm hopeful for my future, and I haven't felt like this for a long time

Excited for you too, OP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brilliant work!! Keep it up!!!!!

I agree keep your head diwn, dont alert him with changing passwords. Only another few days... & he will never check your private mails/ phone ever again.
Remember to get the log book for your car if you have one.
Is there really no one/where you can leave your important paper work with.
He might go through your bag

Oh @SecretJob, I'm so happy for you! You sound so positive, and the new job & boss sound wonderful. Will keep you in my thoughts, wishing you nothing but the very best for the future.
Also, please do confide in someone about everything that you've lived with - you need someone to talk to when you leave, and your mother is not that person.

Aww just noticed your update. So pleased for you op. Keep strong. To the future 🥂

thats a positive update. I really wish you the best this week

Thank you for your update OP & how lovely to read of your increasing excitement & confidence.

Just one point - be another stick for him to beat me with - I know this is hard to get your head round, while you're still living with the situation, but once you leave - he has NO sticks left to beat you with.

He wants to pick up a stick & wave it at you? - he can piss off & tell his solicitor to tell your solicitor.

He wants to talk to you? - he can piss off & talk to his solicitor.

Ditto manipulation, bullying, crying, pleading, promising to change, insulting you ... he can tell it all to his solicitor, because you are no longer interested.
Or contactable :)

I am so happy for you OP, & pleased about how careful you are being with comms. The sneaky bastard will definitely try to Hoover you once you have left - if he does not have your address, & you block him on all electronics, you will be thwarting that -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Glad youre feeling positive op hang in there

Oh OP I am hoping and praying hard for you!!!!! You deserve the best. Please do keep us posted if you can. Did you say you get the keys to the new place on the 26th? Stay safe xxx

You're so close. You have done so well. You've got this! You can do it.

You are doing brilliantly.

I'm guessing he senses he no longer has full control over you and has tipped into paranoia territory. So relieved to hear you are being so careful though it's terrible that you need to be. No-one should be living like this 😔

Do you hide/delete your browser history?