DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

Keep going OP

Don't tell him until you have left.

whenever I try to talk to him about it, i can't. I have no idea how to end a relationship.

That's because this is not a relationship, in the normal sense of the word! He is your captor. The last thing you should do is hint that you have an escape plan. Your gut knows that. Follow it, and the excellent advice above.

Good luck OP, best of luck! You're nearly there! You CAN do this! (...and I promise you, in a proper relationship you would have no problem at all sharing your ideas and feelings, even the negative ones. It's not you at fault here.)

I would also add to all the PP's advice, do not tell him that you are leaving,
I also think that as your Mother thinks you should stay with him I wouldn't let her know your new address initially, as he may be able to convince her of his heartbreak so she gives him details of where you are living.

Wow this is astonishingly bad controlling behaviour.

OP I know you said you have no friends, but the post giving background also mentions a friend at the park or someone wanting to do something on your birthday? To me that says there are people around who will help you stand up to this bully. Consider confiding in them once the coast is clear.

I agree with the others that you don't need to tell him you are ending the relationship. Just leave. How will that practically work? Do you have a car? Can you start sneaking some things out to a safe place?

Hi OP.

Do NOT tell him before you leave.

His level of manipulation and control is almost to the point of hypnosis - when he's with you, he has some mesmeric control over you, because you are so conditioned to do what he says and keep him happy.

As soon as you are on your own, that mesmeric influence lifts and you start to realise that you have to leave, be on your own, live your life.

It is "comfortable" to stay in the locked cage in which he keeps you, because you are USED to it. But it's not right. The reason you find it difficult to make the decision is fear - not necessarily OF him but of the change, and whether or not you can cope without him.

The answer is YES YOU CAN.

But - he is not a safe human. He has shown you no respect, not really. Any niceness now is because he feels you growing stronger and fears you leaving - he will be lovely to you until you give in and stay, and THEN he will double down and reduce your tiny freedoms even further.

He is despicable - no one should treat another human being the way he treats you, it's dehumanising.

So keep quiet until you're out the door.
DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU'VE GONE. Do NOT let him visit at all.
And never mind "helping" him with finding a replacement for the business - his whole "I couldn't trust anyone but you" shtick is just another way to keep you under his eye. He just means that you're the only one he can fully control and he knows he can't do that with anyone else. Do not go back to the house alone once you've left.

I wish you great joy in your new job and new home - but keep both under wraps until you're OUT.

please dont tell him before youve left op-people like him dont take these things well

@HazelBite

I would also add to all the PP's advice, do not tell him that you are leaving, I also think that as your Mother thinks you should stay with him I wouldn't let her know your new address initially, as he may be able to convince her of his heartbreak so she gives him details of where you are living.

Good point.

Do not tell him, don't let on anything. After you've left, don't talk to him. He will try every trick in the book to make you stay. Look at what he's done to you and your life - he doesn't need your help, he'll be just fine on his own, as he's clearly shown you he's perfectly capable of manipulating every situation to suit him.

Yes, do not give him your new address, hopefully he doesn't know where your job is ? If he does, you will have to watch out he doesn't stalk you, or try to get into the building.
Do not inform your mother.
Before leaving you could make sure his utilities have his name, address & contact info if you think he will need to contact you for this info

Alcemeg has it OP - He is your captor.

You don't tell your jailer that you are planning a jailbreak.
Please heed PP's who are urging you to move your important items & documents out quietly, before you get the keys.

When you get the keys, do NOT tell him until you are safe in your new place.
Once you are there - in your safe space, where he does not know your address & cannot get at you - you can send him a text.
Don't tell your mother either, for a while - she sounds like she might have misguided notions about 'saving' your marriage.

From then on, NO communication with your Ex.
Anything that needs doing or saying gets done or said by your solicitor - not you.
You can then stay totally No Contact with this man ... & there's only a week to go :)

Please keep your head down, & leave secretly OP. It's exactly what Womens Aid would advise. Thinking of you xx

@SecretJob - lots of good advice from @ChargingBuck above.
Best of luck

If he was a decent person it would be the right thing to do to give notice, to give him some warning. Given how controlling he is and how he punishes you for the tiniest 'infraction' of his rules, telling him before you move is absolutely not an option. Your safety is the biggest concern here. You don't owe this man one iota of consideration. Getting yourself out safely is the priority here, the next priority is to get out what important papers and keepsakes you can safely. You are important, not him, you are deserving of support and compassion, not him, you are deserving of consideration and happiness, not him.

My OP, did you take the job???? Please take the job!!!

@PeeAche

My OP, did you take the job???? Please take the job!!!

Did you read the thread? Please read the thread!

A jailbreak is a useful way to think of it - you don't tell prison authorities where you are going, nor would you tell anyone likely to tell them (your mother)
You wouldn't leave any trail at all.

He's incredibly sinister so you need to remember that often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are leaving. So even if you think he wouldn't get violent/stalk you, plan your moves as if he could be capable of that. Plan as if you are going on the run.
When you get settled on the other side, when he's shown you his reaction to you leaving then you can reassess it and see if it's wise to drop your guard a little, but don't do it until you are safe and well away.

Lean on those friends who tried to give you little bursts of kindness if they can be trusted to not fall for your husbands fake tears.

You don't leave a man like this you escape you truly do. All bets are off the usual rules don't apply here. It is also the most dangerous time leaving an abuser please don't tell him anything and make arrangements to sign your lease and start by getting your mail redirected don't give him your new address and get a ring doorbell when you do.

Find all your important documents and get them out of the house. You also need a go bag packed and ready out of the house you may find you need to just go

You can't mitigate the danger you're in because you can't perceive it.

Please don't tell him you are leaving, either the job or him!
Wait until you are out, safe in your new home, then text him.

"I resign. I have left you. I will contact you about divorce."

And don't tell him, or your Mother, where you are living. (Your Mum, until you are sure she is trustworthy, him, never)

Remember when you started your Uni course, how he kept calling and texting, interrupted your online sessions, kept finding jobs you "had" to do that meant you couldn't do the induction?

So you gave in and stopped the Uni course that you had worked so hard to get onto and that was the access to your lifelong dream of training as a teacher. He did that last time, because he knew your plans.

Don't give him ANY chance to do that, again. Please. Because he will, if he knows.

Women are at the highest risk of violence from their male partner during the process of leaving and in the immediate weeks and months after they have left.

I don't want to alarm you but, according the The Femicide Census 10 Year Report (2009-2018), 89% of women who had separated or were in the process of separating from their partner were killed within 1 year of leaving, 38% of those within the first month. This should not put you off leaving him but it should inform you to keep yourself safe.

Perhaps consider contacting the local police in the area you are moving to to ask them to put a flag on your new address so that if they receive a call from you they can respond accordingly.

You may have prepared this already, but make sure you take copies of documents relating to the business accounts and household accounts with you - they will be invaluable when you file for divorce. If you feel up to it think about contacting a few local solicitors for a free chat about your options in that regard.

Good luck, we're all behind you willing you on.

Agree with above.

He is a dangerous man.

Do not tell him anything until you are gone.

Don't tell him or your mother your address.

I strongly recommend you contact the police.

Give them your mobile number.
Your new address.

A marker on your house, so if you call, they will prioritise you.

Your husbands name and address.

Tell them clearly you have finally escaped an abusive relationship.

Men like him go to the police pretending that women like you have mental health problems and they are so worried about you.
They try and use the police.

Have the police informed that he is a very abusive man and you do not want him knowing where you are.

You have to protect yourself.

Yes, if not he will tell the police you have fisappeared & get them to trace your phone.
You need to tell them you are fleeing domestic abuse, he knows you have left him, you are fine.
I would get him prosecuted for his domestic abuse

@Mix56 makes a very good point. Coercive Control is now classified as a crime and your relationship is classic CC. If you feel up to it you should look at the DASH checklist, complete it and then take it to your local police. If nothing else it might help you get a restraining order to stop him from trying to contact you and it will also help build your case in the divorce.

More info on DASH here: www.dashriskchecklist.co.uk/

You can download the DASH checklist here: www.dashriskchecklist.co.uk/v-dash/

Please don't tell him

What @billy1966 said. Brilliant advice.

@billy1966

Agree with above.

He is a dangerous man.

Do not tell him anything until you are gone.

Don't tell him or your mother your address.

I strongly recommend you contact the police.

Give them your mobile number.
Your new address.

A marker on your house, so if you call, they will prioritise you.

Your husbands name and address.

Tell them clearly you have finally escaped an abusive relationship.

Men like him go to the police pretending that women like you have mental health problems and they are so worried about you.
They try and use the police.

Have the police informed that he is a very abusive man and you do not want him knowing where you are.

You have to protect yourself.

This with freaking bells on!!