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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretJob · 17/11/2021 22:17

@SpottyBumPony

I hope you are doing ok OP
I'm okay thanks. Just trying to get through the days. He's trying to be really nice to me, but today has been a good reinforcement because work was awful and I had some bits through that got me excited about the new job this week.

I keep thinking I should just tell him straight away I'm leaving, and just do whatever I need to to get through the next two weeks, but whenever I try to talk to him about it, i can't. I have no idea how to end a relationship.

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 17/11/2021 22:25

No doubt an opportunity will present its self over the next couple of weeks. It sounds like he has been consistently unkind in the past. He wont be able to keep up the nice guy act for long.

Do don't need to tell him straight away when you have your keys. You could take a week or so to organise yourself and get everything out you want to keep.

You are almost there now Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/11/2021 22:37

I wouldn't tell him you're leaving until you're out to be honest. And I would get advice from womens aid and the police before doing so, to get the most advice you possibly can on how to do it as safely as possible.

Don't give him warning. He will either talk you round and convince you to stay or escalate his abuse.

Read back @MsDogLady's reminder of things he's done to you if you find yourself feeling guilty about not giving him a heads up or about leaving in general.

You gave this man years of your life. You do not owe him one more thing.

Play this smart. Get everything ready before you go so that you can leave without pre-warning him.

If when the time comes, you didn't that replaceable belongings are causing you to delay leaving then write them off. Nothing is more important than your new life.

I'm a stranger but I'm so proud of you and rooting for you Thanks

ChristmasPlanning · 17/11/2021 22:39

Why does she buy you things? Is she trying to buy your affections?

ChristmasPlanning · 17/11/2021 22:39

@ChristmasPlanning

Why does she buy you things? Is she trying to buy your affections?
Sorry! Wring thread Blush
ButWeWereOnaBreak · 17/11/2021 22:55

OP please speak to WA. I don't think it's a good idea to give him any inkling as to your plans. Just leave and let him sort himself out. I know it goes against your kind and considerate nature, but it's probably the safest way for you to do this. I'm so expert but please do speak to WA or police and don't just tell him. He WILL stop you either by persuasion or force.

RandomMess · 17/11/2021 23:01

Honestly please speak to WA and see if you can go there for a few weeks. He could get very nasty and violent when you follow through with your new job.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2021 23:53

No, say nothing. He already proven 1000 times over that he does NOT have your interests at heart in any possible way.

There is nothing that needs to be said that cannot be said from a distance once you are out and free.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 18/11/2021 04:59

Don't say a word until you have the keys to your new place. You need to carefully plan how you do it, but the main priority here is your safety. Him being updated is always secondary to that.

MyOtherProfile · 18/11/2021 05:31

I agree. Contact WA. You can do this, OP.

Sweetener12 · 18/11/2021 06:10

take the job! he sounds like a massive bully.

QwertyGurty · 18/11/2021 06:15

OP I have just read this thread and agree with all previous posters. One more week until the 26th! Just 8 more sleeps!! Keep your head, contact Women's Aid for additional support, perhaps you could rent an air bnb for a week without eating into too much of your savings? Don't let on what your plans are, he will try to keep you there one way or another. I know i'm just repeating what others have said...but...you can do this. You are so close to getting your life back and away from a life of abuse. Don't look back. Well done on the job front. Fantastic news. Take care.

updownroundandround · 18/11/2021 07:05

Op, tell him nothing !!!!

Do not hand him a bloody gift wrapped, hand delivered opportunity to

  1. Make your life Hell for daring to go 'against him'.
  2. Try to be super super super nice, and try to get you to 'change your mind' by being the 'old' 'him' that you fell in love with (which was always only an act !)
  3. The chance to do exhaustive snooping or following you to find out about the new job (which he would then 'sabotage') or your new address (which he would start appearing at repeatedly in an effort to either get you back or get at you, making you not feel safe)

Keep you secrets until you are OUT !!!!

You only feel you 'owe him' any consideration at all because he made you put HIM first for years !!!!
Now is when you NEED to put you first !!

SpottyBumPony · 18/11/2021 07:09

Well done OP, you're doing great.

Echo the other posters that say don't tell him anything until you are safely in your new place

oatmilk4breakfast · 18/11/2021 07:14

Keep going. Don’t let on. Don’t give him any reason to think you’re going. You need to mentally prepare for the fact that some things will feel hard, maybe even harder when you leave because you’ll be doing something new. That’s when you’re going to be vulnerable to him talking you back. Or threatening (do it or I’ll hurt you/be angry/tell your new job about x y z something you’re insecure about) or blackmailing (I’ll tell everyone that/…) or guilt tripping (I’m so lonely/broken/left in the lurch). Or telling you you won’t be able to do it. Don’t fall for any of it. They are control tactics. Re-read the post that laid out how awful he is to you. Realise this is not a normal relationship. It’s an abusives one. The way you end this abusive relationship is to pack up while he is at work and be gone when he gets back. Leave handover notes in s drawer if you want but contact has to end at least for a while and he can’t know where you’ve gone. There will be no normal employee repercussions. You won’t be doing anything wrong. You don’t owe him anything. Good luck.

FrazzledCareerWoman · 18/11/2021 07:17

DO NOT tell him op he could get really nasty or even violent. I would move out , then send a simple message that you quit working for him are leaving him and aren't coming back, then simply block him on everything . File for divorce and do everything via solicitors

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 18/11/2021 07:41

Do not tell him in advance that you are leaving. You tell him after you have left. The most dangerous time is when an abuser realises they are losing control of you. You need to keep yourself safe. He may have never been violent before but that doe not mean he wouldn't resort to it now.

Stay safe above all else.

ivykaty44 · 18/11/2021 07:49

Take the job

Lalliella · 18/11/2021 08:08

Good luck OP. Sending you strength to get through the next 8 days. Not long now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/11/2021 08:23

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

Do not tell him in advance that you are leaving. You tell him after you have left. The most dangerous time is when an abuser realises they are losing control of you. You need to keep yourself safe. He may have never been violent before but that doe not mean he wouldn't resort to it now.

Stay safe above all else.

This. Totally this. You owe him nothing. Not long now. You are being so brave and we are rooting for you. Flowers
inigomontoyahwillcox · 18/11/2021 08:48

Absolutely do not tell him you are leaving until you are leaving. He will do one or a combination of 3 things:

  • Lovebomb you and make you feel guilty for even considering leaving
  • Get VERY nasty
  • Sabotage your departure/new job

You are doing such an incredible thing, and I am absolutely rooting for you.

Mix56 · 18/11/2021 08:56

Do not tell him, take your important possessions out of the house gradually.
If you can ask someone who will not go straight to him.
Try & get copies of his accounts, tax return, bank account, life insurance, pension. He will try & hide the truth, to cheat you out of a fait split in divorce.
Leave when he is out.
Leave a note. "i resign, I am leaving. Divorce Papers will follow."
Once you are out, block him. do not answer calls, read mails. You are free. You are not obliged to interacr
Get yourself a bulldog SHL..
Be happy

Justilou1 · 18/11/2021 09:10

Honey when you have moved out and feel confident with new job please contact your old friends and tell them about him. I bet they know. They will understand.

Poppinjay · 18/11/2021 09:14

It's brilliant that you're ploughing on with your plan. I read through this thread worried that he would find a way to persuade you to stay with him.

Once he realises that you still intend to take the job and you're leaving him, his behaviour will escalate. You're likely to be promised everything you could possibly wish for and, if that doesn't work, be told that you will be destroying him or threatened that he will harm you (physically or by reputation) or himself. It may be a mixture of the two. This is normal in an abusive relationship. Make sure he doesn't have your new address. Also Google the grey rock technique and use it.

Think about letting your new boss know that you are leaving an abusive relationship in case he decides to contact them to sabotage it.

He has bullied you and isolated you from your support networks. He is a coercive controller and you owe him nothing. Once you have left, you are likely to look back on his behaviour towards you and wonder why on earth you allowed him to do those things to you.

If your mum will pressurise you to stay, keep away from her until you are settled and secure in your new place and job. She probably just doesn't understand coercive control. Pressure to give in to him at the wrong time will be dangerous to you.

This is not your fault and you do not deserve what he is doing to you. Keep going, OP and enjoy your new life x

Kuachui · 18/11/2021 09:16

I wrote a letter, i was still there but it was easier writing it out on paper.