DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

I would just say you could move in (and therefore start paying rent!) as soon as it's ready...I probably wouldn't go into the detail, at least for now, in case it causes them any concern. Not long now lovely.

@Peach2021

I would just say you could move in (and therefore start paying rent!) as soon as it's ready...I probably wouldn't go into the detail, at least for now, in case it causes them any concern. Not long now lovely.

This is really sound advice - absolutely this

OP I remember some of your other threads and have thought about you on occasion, wondering how you are. I wanted to add to the chorus of encouragement and loveliness and wish you the absolute best in taking these final few steps to a better life.

I can't imagine what you're going through, as although I have experience of abusive and unhealthy relationships, they weren't a patch on what you've survived so far. And I mean survived. You are still here, he CANNOT control what you think and feel, your mind is your own. Call him a fucking prick in your head while you sit at that fucking table. Tell yourself that you are worth more than this existence. Because you are. You sound like a wonderful person and I am honestly waiting to hear that you're out and you're OK (and for fuck's sake don't give anyone your new address or job info, even your family in the short term if they're not being supportive). You need safe spaces where you can sleep / breathe / relax / do what the fuck you want.

Hi - I just wanted to come on to say well done for accepting the job. The start of a whole new phase for you. Congrats!

Well done OP. I would second a shelter if you can't get into your flat and need to leave; it's never ideal but so much better than staying there. I see a lady where I work who has recently moved into a shelter and she's so much better without her DP - she says that the constant pit in her stomach has just disappeared. You could also DM any of us who have offered help if we're near you (I'm north Cambs) xx

In tears after reading the summary from @MsDogLady. I've read most of your previous threads, but seeing it like laid out bare like that hit me hard.

Your new life is within reach, OP. Do not let it slip away.

You've all of us rooting for you.

Fantastic news Re passing all the checks OP
👏👏👏👏👏👏
Well done 😊

So relieved & happy for you about the job OP, well done!

Hang on in there, as 'normal' & bland as you can be for a fortnight ...
& then all the joy of your flat to retreat to xx

Well done!
I'd ask about moving in asap otherwise keep your head down for two weeks and just ignore it all.
Will you risk giving him notice? I wouldn't!
I'd just pack up while he's out at work, and leave. You owe him nothing

Congratulations on the job! I also have read your previous threads, and am so glad to see you back with such great news. Step by step, freedom is within reach now.

Thank you everyone

@SpringCrocus

Well done! I'd ask about moving in asap otherwise keep your head down for two weeks and just ignore it all. Will you risk giving him notice? I wouldn't! I'd just pack up while he's out at work, and leave. You owe him nothing

I wasn't going to give him notice as such, no. I'll help him find someone else and I'll do a handover or whatever, but someone upthread suggested telling him I'd do it from home which I think is a good idea. I've already started preparing everything. Once I'm in the new place, I think I'll have some time between then and starting the new job, im just waiting to be given a start date and I'll do what I can, I don't want to drop him in it as much as possible but I don't feel like I can tell him I'm taking the job while I'm still here.

OP - do you have a separate bank account? You'll need one for new job wages & you need to separate your finances as much as possible before leaving if you can.

If it helps you at all you can set up a Monzo account just by sending them a video of yourself asking for one along with photographs of your drivers license/passport etc.

You could set one up to your new address a few days before you move and the card would come there and he wouldn't know anything about it.

I too remember your threads and am very pleased to hear you have accepted the job and plan to move out as soon as it's ready. In the meantime could you look at weekly lets on an air B and B or similar?

I don't want to drop him in it

You won't be "dropping him in it" - all you are doing is no longer accepting that you are his indentured slave.

You are so kind & ethical. Please remember that HE IS NOT, & that you do NOT owe him anything, least of all finding him a new employee.

All it will do is extend the contact with him & give him more opportunity to bully & gaslight you. Remember - you are not his "employee", you are the person he refused to allow to sleep, force-marched while you were in agony, & coerced into sitting in attendance to him, not allowed to do anything except his bidding for hours on end.

You need to be looking after YOU now, not worrying about his needs & wishes. Hard habit to break I know ... but you are on your way. Hold tight.

This is such great news, OP. Well done for staying strong; I know you’re really having to dig deep but you’re doing brilliantly and you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your future happiness.

One thing that occurred to me: if he’s seen the job offer, does he know the name and address of the company you’re going to work for? Sorry if this has been addressed upthread and I’ve missed it. Just thought it was worth mentioning.

Please keep updating so we know you’re safe.

Honestly I know it seems scary but it's best to just cut contact completely as soon as you are out. You don't want to give him the opportunity to manipulate you back in.

Under normal circumstances it would be reasonable to do a handover but these are not normal circumstances. There is nothing you can do to mitigate his attitude when he finds out you have gone or make him understand your point of view. Focus on building your new life.

I remember the bath thread. I didn't realise this was you OP. I really hope you get away from this very damaged man.

Other people will know the answer to this, but would it help protect future partners if OP reports his behaviour to the police? So it goes on record? I realise this isn't OP's primary concern at the moment, but he's clearly going to treat other women like this too.

So happy for you OP! You're doing fantastically!

Agree with others, don't help him out, don't say anything to him, just get yourself out and safe while he's gone one day and don't look back. I made the mistake of wanting to help my ex when we split up, and he just used that to abuse me more, dragging it all on and making life hell for me. Wish I'd made a clean break for myself. He also escalated in a lot of ways during that time, so don't put your safety at risk, even if you think he wouldn't.

@irishoak

So happy for you OP! You're doing fantastically!

Agree with others, don't help him out, don't say anything to him, just get yourself out and safe while he's gone one day and don't look back. I made the mistake of wanting to help my ex when we split up, and he just used that to abuse me more, dragging it all on and making life hell for me. Wish I'd made a clean break for myself. He also escalated in a lot of ways during that time, so don't put your safety at risk, even if you think he wouldn't.

100 percent agree with this.

Once you are out & safe. Do not hesitate to find a SHL & get every pennies worth in your divorce.
You are married, so for starters you are entitled to half the marital assets, his business, & the house/s
Plus I'm not sure if he has not allowed you access to your salary. ?
He should be charged with domestic abuse. Let this be your Joker card.
Its your turn to live now

@SecretJob, just came back to this thread to see what you decided... I am so over the moon that you are doing what YOU want to do, stick with it, all this horrible stress will be over soon, and you can BREATHE xxxxxxx

Am also a complete stranger proud of you! Please don't worry about dropping him in it. He is going to bad mouth you to everyone (including your mum) no matter how nice you are. He doesn't deserve kindness from you. Move out start new job.

I hope you are doing ok OP